1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A deaf girl jerked me off once.
I don't know if I should consider it a handjob or a blowjob.
https://redd.it/1j4asqr
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My wife wants to leave me due to my star wars addiction.
I was like may divorce be with you 😅
https://redd.it/1j42q5u
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals
I M LIVID
https://redd.it/1j3wqix
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A woman says to her husband, "You know, I think I might be pregnant."
He says "Well, you'd better call the surgery and see what they say." So she goes and picks up the phone and talks for a while, then she comes back and says, "They made an appointment and said I should bring a specimen with me. I didn't like to say I don't know what they meant."
The husband says, "I don't know either, but Mrs Higgins has had five children, so she must know about that kind of thing," and off goes the wife. When she comes back she has scratches all over her face, a nosebleed and a fat lip, the beginnings of a tremendous black eye, and a handful of hair less than she started out with.
"Good God, woman, whatever have you been doing?" exclaims the husband.
"It wasn't my fault, as God's my judge," the wife replies. "I went and asked the Higgins woman, as nice as you like, 'Mrs Higgins, what do the surgery mean when they say to bring in a specimen?'. She said 'Piss in a bottle,' so I said, 'Oh well, in that case, shit in your handbag, Mrs Higgins!' and things went downhill from there."
https://redd.it/1j3i20j
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I met a Muslim man and i asked him what it's like to do Ramadan
he said: "I'm Sikh"
i said: "yeah I'd be sick too if i had to give up eating and drinking all day"
https://redd.it/1j3fa8y
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I bought my friend a massive elephant for his room.
He said, "Geez. Thanks man."
I said, "Don't mention it."
https://redd.it/1j38idi
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Why hasn't Jesus come back yet?
He's afraid he'll get... double crossed
https://redd.it/1j2s5fo
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A man is tanning at a nude beach.
In order to prevent sunburns in sensitive places, he takes his hat and puts it on his crotch.
As he lies there, a woman passes in front of him.
\- You know, - she says with a smirk. - if you were a true gentleman, you would have raised your hat.
The man smirks back:
\- Ma'am, if you were a true lady, the hat *would* have risen.
https://redd.it/1j2x84y
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Whats Jesus favorite sport?
CrossFit.
https://redd.it/1j2m61e
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I was enjoying a beer with a buddy and mentioned to him that my wife and I are now sleeping in separate bedrooms.
He said, "Interesting", took a few sips, and added, "so what do you do when you want to have sex?" I told him, "I whistle."
A few moments went by and he followed up with, "And what does your wife do when she wants to have sex?"
"She comes to my door and asks if I whistled."
https://redd.it/1j2ip4c
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Let's go fishing!
A husband and wife were watching TV when he blurted this out.
The wife rolled her eyes.. "fishing is sooo boring" she said.
"Come on! Me, you, the dog! it's a day out!" He replied.
"Ugh.. fine, but we'll go next week.. not this week" she said dismissively as she stared at the tv.
The next week rolled around and she thought he'd forgotten, but she woke up and saw him standing at the foot of her bed with fishing rod and bait-box.
She moaned dramatically - "Aww.. come on I can't be bothered with fishing, I'll do anything else you want, but no fishing pleeeease."
"Fine... I want anal then... Or a really good bj." He said as he slumped onto the bed; looking disappointed.
"Ugh! That's disgusting... anal?! No - come here I'll just suck it then..." She said.
Just as she was getting started; she muttered under her breath "gosh this dick tastes like shit.."
He paused and then replied "yeah... The dog didn't want to go fishing either..."
https://redd.it/1j20ssa
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Why do Russian Computers use Linux?
Because people keep crashing out of Windows.
https://redd.it/1j21ovw
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An Aeroplane is about to crash. A female passenger jumps up and shouts, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!".
With that she strips off her clothes and says, "Is there someone on this plane who's man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A male passenger shouts, "Yes, me!" He stands up, tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
https://redd.it/1j1wic8
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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.
"Mine bought a new kitchen for $40,000 and she cannot even cook!"
"Yeah, mine bought a car for $60,000 and she cannot drive!"
"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a 3 week business trip and she does not even have a penis!"
https://redd.it/1j1ov1d
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Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Banta pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Banta, along with his friend Santa, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Santa said to Banta, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."
Banta replied, "No, it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week."
https://redd.it/1j1i7md
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A lawyer was drinking with friends after winning a big case and says, "I'm probably going to Hell for the things I've done to win the case."
To which a friend replies, "don't be surprised when you get there and you're directed to the employee's entrance."
https://redd.it/1j40u19
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I wasted all my time and effort learning to cook to impress girls.
It turns out girls don’t want guys that cook. Girls want guys who eat out.
https://redd.it/1j3oewd
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Did you know cannabis overdose can lead to constipation?
Seriously, shit or get off the pot.
https://redd.it/1j3ledx
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Jesus and Moses were talking about the old days and decided to return to Earth for a vacation
.Upon arrival at the Sea of Galilee, Moses says, "Let's see if I can still do it" and steps to the shore and parts the sea then smiles at Jesus, "yup, I still got it.
Jesus says "watch this" steps into the sea and immediately sinks. He returns to the shore and tries again. Failure again. He spends time concentrating a bit before a third, failed attempt and while he's standing in water up to his waist, looks to Moses and says, "I just don't understand. You still have your powers and I'm Jesus I'm almighty. Why can't I walk on water?
Moses replies, "uh, maybe it's those holes in your feet."
https://redd.it/1j3amem
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An army colonel arrives at the new base he’s been assigned to manage
After settling in, he decides to take a tour and familiarize himself with his surroundings. He checks the barracks, kitchen, administration offices, training grounds, and the extensive unused land around the base.
While on patrol, he notices two soldiers in parade uniforms standing guard near a small bench.
He approaches them:
"Privates, report yourselves!"
"Sir, Private Rodriguez, sir!"
"Sir, Private Hughes, sir!"
"What are you doing here?"
"Sir, we were ordered to guard this bench, sir!"
"Who gave the order?"
"Sir, the last commander, sir! He made a permanent schedule to ensure there are always two men on guard. It’s unit tradition, sir!"
"Unit tradition, you say… Well then. Carry on, Privates."
"Sir, yes, sir!"
"Sir, yes, sir!"
The colonel returns to his quarters but remains puzzled by the strange tradition. Determined to get to the bottom of it, he starts digging into the history of the base. He calls the previous commander.
On the phone, he asks about the origin of the tradition, only to be told that the previous commander didn’t know either. When he took command, the bench was already being guarded, so he just continued the practice.
This pattern repeats as he contacts the second, third, and fourth former commanders. No one has any idea why the bench has been guarded all these years.
After several hours of investigation, the colonel finally gets a 103-year-old veteran on the phone.
"Good evening, sir. Is this Brigadier General Richards?"
A weak, elderly voice responds: "Yes?"
"Sorry to bother you, sir, but I’m trying to gather some information about a base you commanded between 1976 and 1982."
"Yes… I remember… How can I help?"
"It concerns a guard schedule that has been kept since your time in command. Two guards in parade uniforms are continuously stationed near a bench by the groundskeeping shed. Do you have any idea why?"
A brief silence follows. Then, in a frail voice, the general asks:
"Wh… What? … The paint is still wet??"
https://redd.it/1j39vxr
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You have to type Chuck Norris's name with proper capitalization.
Otherwise, chuck will find you and slam your head into your keyboavbhjlfvavffvdsbhfvdshhk fdvskhbhfdvajkhbfavdfddsrgjhfgcncf hthxrjgfcjcghSCsdsdCsdcDCsKJHdsc.kubAsckb.uS ahb.iz dh.biDs u.biDCs.kubCDsbi.uSCDui.bDsc.ubiSdc.ibuDvskb.uSDvi.hbDSvhib?dsvhbi.VSFhbi.DVSh.bkds bkh.FS.khbsf h.kb CShbk. Cs
https://redd.it/1j30nn2
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You know something? If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed...
... Oh, wait, he does.
https://redd.it/1j2wr15
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Why did the US shut down quantum computing research?
Because it was non-binary.
https://redd.it/1j2vdpp
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What's the difference between a hamster and a fleshlight?
If you need an answer to that, you should seek help
https://redd.it/1j2i4ep
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I used to date a woman that had a parrot
Fucking thing never shut up.
The parrot was cool though...
https://redd.it/1j2ezop
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"My wife said picking my nose is disgusting" a man told his buddy. "So what?" his friend asked.
"Now I have to do it myself"
https://redd.it/1j1w1oa
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What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
https://redd.it/1j1wzzw
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
https://redd.it/1j1mutt
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2 friends are on a fast moving train and pass a field with cows and one o of the guys says: that's 37 cows...
Then, further along they pass another field... The guy turns to his friend again and says: "43 cows".
He does it a few more times, until his friend can't hold the curiosity in and asks how he does it...
The guy replies: "it's easy, I count the legs and divide by 4!"
https://redd.it/1j1esha
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What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
https://redd.it/1j1e90y
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