1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
The only rule in Heaven:
So these three guys arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time, and St Peter says “Welcome! Please enjoy your stay. We only have one rule: don’t tread on any ducks. As long as you remember that you will be fine.”
Puzzled, the three guys walk away from the Gates and before they’ve gone five paces there is a loud *quack!* from underfoot, and moments later an angel arrives with a hideous woman in tow. He handcuffs the woman to the man who trod on the duck, and says “Sorry, but you were warned”.
They look around them and now see, on closer inspection, that the golden floor is littered with ducks, partly hidden by the rolling wreaths of cloud, so the remaining two take much more care and make it through twelve hours before there is another outraged *quack!* and once again an angel appears with a hideous woman and a pair of handcuffs.
The third and last man spends days checking the floor carefully before moving, and sliding his feet along barely off the ground, until one day an angel appears and carries him off. The angel sets him down next to the most gorgeous woman he has ever imagined and handcuffs them together, and then is gone without a word.
“Wow,” says the man, “whatever did I do to deserve this?”
“I don’t know about you,” replies the woman, “but I trod on a duck.”
https://redd.it/1j73k0n
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If I had to choose an organ to represent Facism, it'd be the intestines
After all, it takes a lot of guts to be that full of shit.
https://redd.it/1j6x4pc
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An island in the Mediterranean couldn't be the birthplace of Napoleon Bonaparte, could it?
Corsican
https://redd.it/1j6sdfq
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How much Cocaine did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill Two and a Half Men!
https://redd.it/1j6m48d
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When I was young and dumb, my first girlfriend told me she wanted something long, hard and full of cum for her birthday.
So I gave her one of my old socks from under my bed.
https://redd.it/1j6f8nx
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Cuckolding is 100% not for me
I couldn’t fuck someone else if my wife depended on it.
https://redd.it/1j69jey
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Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady:Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
https://redd.it/1j66ysl
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I'm not saying i'm attractive
But when i take my clothes off,i turn the shower on
https://redd.it/1j5vvvn
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A man waddles in to see the doctor, and says "Doctor, you've got to help me, I've just been fucked by an elephant!"
The man drops his trousers and bends over, revealing his arse, which can only be described as a huge, bloody cavernous wreck.
The Doctor, puzzled, scratches his head and says "That doesn't make any sense, an elephants phallus isn't nearly as wide and girthy as whatever has just evidently damaged you like this"
"You don't understand" weeped the man "It fingered me first!"
https://redd.it/1j5nybw
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A man was holding a sign that said "Free Hugs". I tried to hug him, but he punched me in the face.
Turns out, "Hugs" was his cousin who didnt make parole.
https://redd.it/1j5epts
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A man walks into a coffee shop, and asks for an Americano.
A man walks into a coffee shop, and asks for an Americano.
Barista: May I suggest a Canadiano instead?
Man: What's a Canadiano?
Barista: An Americano without the tariffs!
https://redd.it/1j5a8ff
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A guy walks into the doctor’s office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril. The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
https://redd.it/1j4yqr2
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The first time I met my girlfriend's family and we played footsie under the restaurant table, she went too far and I had a huge messy orgasm.
Turns out it was her grandmother. I got off on the wrong foot.
https://redd.it/1j4ts8s
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A Cowboy gets captured by a tribe of Indians.
The chief comes to the cowboy and says “We mean to kill you in three days, but you get one wish a day and if we can fulfill it we will, so go ahead and ask for your first wish.” The cowboy seems indifferent and grumbles “I wanna talk to my horse.” So they bring his horse to him and he whispers something in the horse’s ear. The horse runs off and an hour later comes back with a beautiful brunette on its back. She jumps into the tent with the cowboy and leaves come morning.
The next morning the chief asks him for his second wish, the cowboy again says “Let me talk to my horse.” They grant it and once he whispers in the horse’s ear it speeds off and comes back three hours later with a gorgeous blonde that jumps into the tent with the cowboy. Once again she’s gone by morning.
The next morning the chief says “Alright this is it Cowboy, what’s your final wish?” The cow boy is sweating and shaking at this point but once again asks to talk to his horse. This time the cowboy grabs his horse by the ears and looks it dead in its eyes and says loud and slow “ POSSE, P-O-S-S-E, BRING ME A POSSE.”
https://redd.it/1j4lqgh
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Experts now say that cheese should be stored on the counter rather than refrigerated
Experts also say woof woof.
https://redd.it/1j4igd0
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Man, the Internet is wild. I got a text from some random dude who wanted to meet in the woods at midnight to compare dick sizes.
Fucking weirdo didn't even turn up!
https://redd.it/1j6ma9t
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I organize a threesome last night
Few no shows but I still had fun
https://redd.it/1j6xziy
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A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were shipwrecked on a desert island.
They successfully salvaged a crate of canned beef stew from the ship before it sank, and once they'd got it ashore they debated how to open the cans.
"I'll see if I can find us some flint and knap us a stone knife," said the engineer. "That should go through the lid of a can."
"I don't think you'll be able to make something hard and sharp enough to cut through metal," said the physicist. "Why don't we put one of the cans on a fire? When the contents expand, they should split the can from inside."
"Too crude," sighed the mathematician. "First, let us assume the existence of a can opener..."
https://redd.it/1j6jfjc
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How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it isn't 6 because my basement is still dark.
https://redd.it/1j6hea1
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There was a Bavarian family that had finally been able to replace their coal furnace with gas. The father said to everyone, “Remember, when they come around with the coal delivery, don’t order any. We don’t need it.”
He comes home that evening, and the coal bunker in the basement is full. He calls his family into the living room and asks angrily, “Did one of you order coal?” They all shake their heads no. He asks again, shouting, “Well somebody must have said yes.” They deny it again, and he sends them out of the room.
He turns around and sees the family’s parrot on the stand. “Did *you* order the coal?” he asks. “No, I didn’t order it” squawks the parrot. “One more chance to admit it” says the father. “I didn’t order it” squawks the parrot. The father goes out, comes back with a hammer and a couple of nails, takes the parrot from the stand and nails him, wings spread, to the living room door, saying “I’ll be back and you’d better tell the truth” slamming the door closed behind him.
The parrot looks sadly around the room, wincing from the pain. He spies the family’s crucifix on the wall opposite, sees Jesus on the cross and asks, “So did you order coal too?”
First German joke I ever learned, from my uncle, in Swabian dialect.
https://redd.it/1j67coq
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To the guy who cut in front of me at the gang bang...
I'm coming after you.
https://redd.it/1j6511l
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I invested in a soy sauce company that promised me I would triple my money...
Turns out it was a ponzu scheme.
https://redd.it/1j5yogg
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I’ve told my friend that I’ve spent only $98 at IKEA
He complimented me for my great self-restraint.
To be honest, I couldn’t have eaten another hot dog.
https://redd.it/1j5sgli
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As I was walking home one night a man I passed asked me for a blow job
I was horrified and the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth
https://redd.it/1j5j4zm
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You would think a pirate's favorite letter is R, or maybe even the C
But it's actually P. Without it he becomes irate!
https://redd.it/1j50jro
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Lots of people know that Charles Babbage invented the computer...
But did you know that the cabbage was invented by a man called Charles Bomputer?
https://redd.it/1j54aam
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Brothels have been replacing their hookers with blow up dolls
I guess inflation finally hit the sex industry
https://redd.it/1j4vpk3
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Massages are a lot like fairy tales
They are better with a happy ending.
https://redd.it/1j4l388
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My doctor told me I was going deaf
And I admit I found that news hard to hear
https://redd.it/1j4fphz
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one: He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
https://redd.it/1j4aulw
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