1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A man was having a midlife crisis, so he bought a red sports car
As he's driving along a country road, with wind blowing through what's left of his hair, he hears a siren. He realizes he's been speeding the whole time, so he thinks "I have a sports car, I'll just outrun the cop!" and zooms off.
After a bit he thinks "What the hell am I doing?" and pulls over.
The cop gets out and walks to his window, and says "Look it's been a long day. It's Friday the 13th and a full moon at the same time. If you can tell me an excuse I haven't heard before, you're free to go."
The man thinks for a second and says "My wife left me for a police officer. I thought you were trying to give her back."
"Have a good day, sir."
https://redd.it/1krdre5
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A rich lawyer was driving along in his stretch limo
when he saw a humble man eating grass by the roadside.
Ordering his chauffeur to stop, he wound down the window and called to the man: “Why are you eating grass?”
“Because, sir,” he replied, “we don’t have enough money for proper food.”
“Come with me, then,” said the lawyer.
“But sir, I have a wife and seven children.”
“That’s okay. Bring them all along.”
The man and his family climbed gratefully into the limo.
“Sir, you are too kind. How can I ever thank you for taking all of us with you, offering a new home to total strangers?”
“No, you don’t understand,”
said the lawyer. “The grass at my mansion is two feet high.
https://redd.it/1kr2k1r
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My Asian sister just gave birth to a girl
She’s my japaniece
https://redd.it/1kr0l5y
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It turns out Americans do use the Metric system in school.
It's usually a 9mm.
https://redd.it/1kqtxc1
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These kids today! When I got back home from the CVS at the mall with my 4-year-old son, he pulls a candy bar out of his pocket. I hadn't bought him a candy bar, and I know he didn't buy one, so I put him in the car and we drove right back to the mall.
This time, we went to a jewelry store.
https://redd.it/1kqmegi
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I gave my new girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
https://redd.it/1kqcdv9
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What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Your wife is always willing to blow your bonus check.
https://redd.it/1kq5s5v
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Whose punch was the deadliest? Some say Ali, some say Frasier, some say Foreman.
Me? I'm going with Jim Jones.
https://redd.it/1kpyovx
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What do you call a one-legged ex-pornstar named Linda?
Linda.
https://redd.it/1kpppau
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My wife's contractions were getting closer so we dashed off to the hospital.
After getting checked in, the obstetrician came into the room, examined my wife, wrote "Annie" on her chart and left the room.
We were obviously confused and asked the nurse what it meant. She said "This means you can go home -- there won't be a baby today." Even more confused we asked how she was able to interpret that. She told us
"The doctor is a big fan of musicals. His note means 'The son will come out tomorrow'"
https://redd.it/1kplkxy
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A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table.
She opens it and reads:
*"My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."*
When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:
*"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of mathematics, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18..."*
https://redd.it/1kpepyi
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A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
https://redd.it/1kp7p20
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After a long night of partying, a man wakes up with a vivid memory of a golden toilet in one of the clubs he visited.
He goes around town, visiting every nightclub and checking every bathroom. Just as he's about to give up, he enters one last club — and the doorman immediately punches him, grabs him by the collar, and yells:
"Jimmy, here's the guy who took a shit in your saxophone!"
https://redd.it/1koue6y
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I was walking past a farm, and a sign said, “duck, eggs”! I thought, “that’s an unnecessary comma”
….and then it hit me!
https://redd.it/1kovi54
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A man from Bristol tattooed his girlfriends name on his penis
When they were traveling in Jamaica, he had to go pee, a large Jamaican man stood at the urinal next to him, and he couldn’t help him self, he snuck a peak because of all the rumours.
To his amazement he saw the same letters that were visible on his own penis, W N Y, and in his excitement he burst out “Oh my god you have Wendy tattooed on your penis, I have the same look!”
The man gives him a quizzical look, glances at his penis and sees yes, clear as day the letters W N Y on this strange white mans penis. He coughs and clears his throat and says:
“Oh no, the tattoo on my penis doesn’t say Wendy…”
“Well what does it say”
“Welcome to Jamaica, Have a Nice Day”
https://redd.it/1konxtl
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Drunk but Clever
A drunk gets home at four in the morning, looks at the clock, and says:
“Shiiit… my wife’s gonna kill me.”
Before heading to the bedroom, he sets the clock back to midnight. Drunk, but clever.
He walks into the bedroom, and his partner, who’s been waiting for him, says:
“And you?”
“And me what?”
“You’re drunk.”
“Yeah, so?”
“And what time do you think it is, huh?”
“Early! It’s midnight, look.”
He shows her the clock. She checks the time and says:
“Oh... you’re right.”
She goes back to bed.
And he, feeling proud and cozy, thinks to himself:
“Pulled it off. I’m safe.”
A little while later he wakes up and says:
“Babe...”
“What do you want?”
“Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“Okay…” she says, quietly resigned.
She gets up and heads to the kitchen. But when she sees the clock there, she realizes it’s actually four in the morning.
She storms back into the bedroom and says:
“Hey!”
“What?”
“It’s four in the freakin’ morning!”
And the drunk goes:
“What?! You’ve got no shame? Four damn hours just to get a glass of water?! Shit!”
https://redd.it/1kr75lh
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts! This is more than your average blowjob
https://redd.it/1kr1kw1
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A little boy went to his dad, who was working in the yard.
He asked him: "Daddy, what is sex?"
His father was surprised that he would ask such a question, but decided that if he is old enough to ask, then he is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell him all about the 'birds and the bees'.
When he finished explaining, his young son looked at him with his mouth hanging open.
"Why did you ask this question?" His father asked him.
The boy replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
https://redd.it/1kqvy0x
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This young guy goes to a whorehouse on his birthday.
He walks in and the madam asks him how old he is, and he replies that it's his 16th birthday. She tells him that he's not old enough and to come back when he's 18, and to start practicing by fucking squirrel holes. So, this guy starts banging squirrel holes all summer, all winter, and gets really good at it. He returns to the whorehouse on his 17th birthday, thinking she won't recognize him, or care, because he looks much older now. The madam asks him again how old he is, he replies 17. She told him not to come back until he's 18 and to keep fucking squirrel holes for practice. He puts his heart and soul into fucking squirrel holes for another year and returns to the whorehouse on his 18th birthday. The madam tells him to go upstairs to room 6, her name is Cindy. About three minutes later Cindy starts screaming for help. The madam runs upstairs and kicks the door in and sees the birthday boy with a broomstick in his hand. She asks him what the hell he's doing, and he says "I'm checking these damn holes for squirrels first"
https://redd.it/1kqkbek
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A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
https://redd.it/1kqczjk
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A politician has a rally in a small town...
He asks "What can the government do for you?"
A man says: "We basically have two problems.... The first one is... we have no doctor in town"
The politician immediately pulls out his iphone, dials a number and has a short conversation. He hangs up and says: "Settled, there will be a doctor here from tomorrow on... What's the second problem?"
"We don't have a mobile phone signal..."
https://redd.it/1kq73sk
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A woman was reading her favourite magazine when she sees an ad for an all-expenses-paid cruise for the low price of $1,000.
She excitedly goes to her husband, and shows him the ad.
"Look honey," she says, "It's in two days and only $1,000!"
"I'll be honest with you," said her husband, "I have too much work for a cruise. How about you go and have a good time?"
His wife is a bit disappointed but bounces back and decides she will have a good time anyway. The next day, the husband is in his office when his co-worker, who is also his mistress, comes to him excitedly.
"Hey babe," she says, "There's this cruise tomorrow that is on sale! Only $1,000!"
"I'm really not into cruises, to be honest," he replied, "Here's $1,000, why don't you go and have a good time?"
She agrees, and as it turns out, both his wife and his mistress ended up going on the same cruise. A few days later, his wife comes back from the cruise. As she tells her husband how much fun she had, she shows him photos she took.
While looking them over, he notices that his lover is in some of the photos in the background. He points to her and asks his wife: "Who's she?"
"Oh, her," sniffs his wife disdainfully, "I call her the cruise-slut because she slept with half of the men there."
The next day, the husband goes to the office and gets the same excited story accompanied by photos from his mistress. Once again, he sees a familiar face in some of the photos - his wife. He then points to his wife and asks: "Who is she?"
"Oh, her," his mistress replies, "She's such a nice woman, with all the men on board, she never left her husband's side for a second!"
https://redd.it/1kq45cg
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Why do men name their dicks?
Because they don’t want a stranger making 90% of their decisions.
https://redd.it/1kpyqg7
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My great grandfather who's a Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
A Holocaust survivor dies, goes to Heaven and meets God. He tells him a Holocaust joke. God says, "That's not funny."
The Holocaust survivor replies, "Well, I guess you had to be there."
https://redd.it/1kpsuyb
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What do you call a penis that can be shortened?
Richard.
https://redd.it/1kpgrj0
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The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
https://redd.it/1kpcupr
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Having too much sex can cause memory loss
Or so I've read, on page 37 of the new England journal of medicine on August 14th 2002, while eating bacon and eggs, which I overcooked slightly.
https://redd.it/1kp708o
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A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "This is the third time I've been in this bar."
"Really?" says the bartender.
"In 1982, I came in the day before my wedding. I was nervous. I was unsure. In retrospect, I was lacking confidence in myself, in my future."
"Fair enough," says the bartender.
"Over 40 years later, I came back... the day after my wife died. It's amazing how life can change. How every uncertainty can become the past. How the unknown can come to mean... everything."
The bartender doesn't know what to say.
But the man continues. "Those were the two most important days of my life," he says.
The two stand in silence for a moment.
"Well then," says the bartender, "what brings you here today?"
"As fate would have it," the man replies, "I forgot my umbrella."
https://redd.it/1kp1n84
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Nun comes back from gynecologist, found out she is pregnant
Furious, she summons all the male staff of the monastery and asks: "Ok... WHO JIZZED ON THE CANDLES!??"
https://redd.it/1kop22u
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A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did. His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning to the local butcher shop and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them into her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes. After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely.
“What happened?” his wife asked.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey - after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
https://redd.it/1kolca0
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