1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
An old lady went to visit her dentist.
When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.
https://redd.it/1kyhw5u
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A woman gets out of the shower and hears a knock at her door.
She wraps herself in a towel and goes to look through the peephole. At the door is Jake, a friend of her live-in boyfriend. She opens the door a crack and asks him what he needs.
Jake looks down at her towel, which barely covers her body, and his eyes go wide. "Damn, girl, you're looking good. I'll give you $500 if you drop that towel right now."
The woman is shocked, but she thinks it over and decides that $500 is $500, and her boyfriend doesn't need to know. She grins and drops the towel, giving him a long look before picking the towel back up to cover herself. Jake thanks her and pulls $500 in cash out of his pocket, hands it over to her, and leaves.
She goes back inside and finds her boyfriend watching TV in the den. "That was your friend Jake at the door," she says.
"Oh, really? Awesome!" he replies. "Did he give you the $500 he owes me?"
https://redd.it/1kynmm5
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A smoking hot woman walks into a bar
and orders a drink. While she's sitting there she notices a frog on a stool behind the bar. "What's up with that frog?" she asks the bartender. "Oh he eats pussy" the bartender replied. "Really? I've never heard of a frog that eats pussy" she said. Intrigued and after several drinks she finally says "Ok, I've got to know how good this frog is, can I take him home?" "Sure" the bartender says "And call me if there's any problems." So a little while later he gets an irate call from the woman saying " I'm laying here pants off and spread eagle and this frog is just sitting there not doing anything!" "Oh no, I'll be right over" says the bartender. He gets to her house and sure enough she's pants off and spread eagle and the frog is just sitting there. He picks up the frog and puts it to his ear and listens. "What!?" says the bartender. "Really!?" "FINE! But this is the last time I show you!"
https://redd.it/1kyfqv2
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My sex life with my ex was like the Mcdonalds Ice Cream Machine...
No matter how excited you were to get a treat, no matter how much he advertised...It was always out of order and never worked.
https://redd.it/1kyadk0
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A farmer's joke
A farmer walks into the local store and the shopkeeper greets him with "Hey Ed, why the sad look?"
Ed shakes his head and says, "Some things, you just can't explain. This morning I went out and was milking Betsy, and her left leg kept kicking the bucker over. So I got a piece of rope and tied her leg to the side of the stall, and got back to milking. But then her right leg kept knocking the bucket over, so I got some rope and tied that to the side of the stall. Sure 'nuf, about then she began swishing her tail and knocking the bucket over. Well, I was out of rope, so I took off my belt and used that to tie her tail to the stall. I was just getting back to milking when the missus popped in, and just as she came into the stall I stood up and my pants fell down. Some things, ya just can't explain."
https://redd.it/1ky0n54
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A scrawny little guy walks into the office of a lumber camp looking for a job.
Boss looks him over and says, "Get the hell out of here. Our axes weigh more than you do." The guy begs and pleads with the boss and says he can show him he's worth hiring. Both men go outside and the boss points to a little one foot around tree and says, "Alright. Lets see you chop that down." The little dude swings the axe twice and down the tree goes. Boss says, "That's ok. Now see that five foot diameter tree? Lets see if you can chop THAT one down. So the little guy picks up the axe and ten chops later the tree falls.
The Boss exclaims, "That's amazing!! Where did you learn to do that"? The little guy replies, "The Sahara Forest." Now the Boss was a bit confused and asked, "Don't you men the Sahara Desert?" Little guy shrugs his shoulders and said, "Sure. It is now".
https://redd.it/1kxwnyy
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The average woman spends over $33,000 at the salon across her lifetime
I don't know all the details, that's just the highlights
https://redd.it/1kxl988
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With tears in my eyes, I told my wife my dad had chosen me to gift his entire Encyclopedia Britannica audiobook collection.
She looked at me and said, ‘Wow… that really speaks volumes.
https://redd.it/1kxeh2e
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The worst part about Kissing a 10 is
The Cold feeling of the Mirror on my lips
https://redd.it/1kwzj1h
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I asked my hooker if it felt good.
She said “I’m just doing it for the money. It’s not that deep.”
https://redd.it/1ksmkzv
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It's so gross when dogs lick me on the lips, but I really like it at the same time.
I guess I'm just experiencing dognitive kissonance.
https://redd.it/1kseywp
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So, mom, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?", they ask.
"Pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
https://redd.it/1krwlhh
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Girlfriend left me because she said I'm a compulsive liar.
Jokes on her though, she's gonna miss my huge cock.
https://redd.it/1kry64u
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Before heading to war, the king locked his
beautiful wife in her room and handed the key to his trusted friend.
"If I don't return in four days, unlock the door—she'll be yours," the king declared.
The king rode off heroically... but just 30 minutes later, he heard frantic hoofbeats behind him. He turned to see his friend riding like the wind
The king stopped. "What happened?"
Catching his breath, the friend exclaimed, "You gave me the wrong key!"
https://redd.it/1krurfw
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A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference. For instance,
“Let’s eat, Frank.”
has a completely different meaning from
“Frank is in a coma.”
https://redd.it/1kr9z73
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A time traveller and his wife are having arguments lately, because he doesn't want kids and she does.
After a particularly rough argument, he get so mad that he jumps into his time machine and vanishes.
A day later, he shows back up. His wife confronts him, asking where he's been, and he tells her he jumped nine months into the future. He says, "You'll never believe it, but you're having a baby! And so is the neighbor, too."
Delighted, she asks, "Well what are their names?"
"The neighbor's kid is named Jacob," he says.
She chirps, "What a lovely name! What about our kid, what's his name?"
And he looks her in the eyes, hands her divorce papers, and says, "Jacob."
https://redd.it/1kylpye
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A small town doctor was renowned for his accuracy on predicting the sex of a child early in the pregnancy
When he was retiring, they asked him how he always got it right. He laughed and said, "I would tell the mother my prediction, and then immediately write down the opposite sex in my notes." "If I was correct, they would always tell me that I nailed it; if I was incorrect, they would chastise me, and I would then show them the note and say they were mistaken, see, it's here in my notes."
https://redd.it/1kyl4d2
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My girlfriend said I was a god in bed.
Because “I'm rarely there, and when I show up, it's usually a disappointment.”
https://redd.it/1kycx4z
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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money...
...said to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer, "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge!"
"I see, good to know," said his client. Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said his client.
"What?? You did?" asked the shocked lawyer.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said his lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
https://redd.it/1ky4xei
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I recently met a French woman called Jenna Sequar
I dunno… just had a certain something about her.
https://redd.it/1kxnflt
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So an engineer and an antivax want to cross a river full of crododiles
Fortunately there is a bridge. The antivax asks how safe is the bridge. The engineer answers "around 99.6 percent". The antivax says "ONLY !? NO WAY, I'M SWIMMING !!"
https://redd.it/1kxt9ye
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Blind man and blondes
(My son told me this joke. It’s a bit long)
A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. He and the bartender have a nice, but brief, conversation. Wanting to improve the mood, the blind man offers to share a joke.
Sure, says the female bartender.
So, it’s about this blonde chick, he begins.
Whoah there mister, she interrupts. Just so you know, I’m a blonde and I was a bouncer before taking over bartending.
Not only that, but to your left is another blonde. She’s a former Marine. And on your right, well, she’s blonde too and is an MMA fighter.
Behind you stand two more blondes. One was a boxer and the other a retired Army officer. So, see, you’re surrounded by five, tough, blonde females. Are you sure you want to tell this joke?
The man contemplates for a moment, then replies, no, I guess not. Not if I’m going to have to explain the joke five times.
https://redd.it/1kxh8xk
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My niece (8) was teaching my daughter (6) compound words
Niece: (after just seeing a cockroach) cockroach is a compound word. Cock, roach.
Daughter: what's cock?
Niece: it's what Dad uses.
Daughter: how?
Niece: he uses it to seal the holes ants come out of.
This was exactly the conversation I just witnessed. My wife and I were dying.
https://redd.it/1kxac7w
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My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
https://redd.it/1kx8fha
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A pervert exposes himself to three little old ladies sitting on a park bench
The first little old lady has a stroke. Then the second little old lady has a stroke. The third little old lady would have had a stroke, but she couldn't reach him from her end of the bench.
https://redd.it/1ksbywf
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I find myself being super attracted to homeless people.
I think I might be hobosexual.
https://redd.it/1ks1fxu
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I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes…
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
https://redd.it/1ks3hzr
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Someone once asked me if there’s sex after death
I replied “well that depends on the coroner”
https://redd.it/1krubzb
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I found my husband hanging from a rope in our bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "**I can't stand the critism anymore.**"
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and thank God he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
https://redd.it/1krrmqu
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I asked 100 women about the shampoo they use in the shower
The number one answer by far was, "who are you; get out of my bathroom"
https://redd.it/1krgmsz
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