1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I Asked My Dad His Opinion on Abortion
"Why don't you ask your sister" he replied.
"But I don't have a sis..."
https://redd.it/1l1v7vt
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My teacher told me that I’d be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia…
but so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase. So Fuck you Mr. Peterson.
https://redd.it/1l1xpch
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Our new neighbor Brian, kisses his wife Goodbye, everytime he leaves for work. My wife is pissed because i never do that.
So I kissed Brian's wife and my wife filed for a divorce out of nowhere.
https://redd.it/1l1otor
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As a woman was leaving the bank, she suddenly remembered she had forgotten the car keys inside.
She went back and asked everyone, but no one had seen the keys. She searched her purse again.
"Oh no! I left the keys in the car!"
She ran to the parking lot in a panic—only to find the car missing!
She called the police, reported the car stolen, gave them the license plate number, and admitted the keys were left inside.
Trying to calm down, she nervously made the hardest call of her life—to her husband. Stammering, she told him the car had been stolen.
He thundered back, "I dropped you at the bank—you didn’t take the car!"
She sighed in relief and thanked God, then asked him to come pick her up.
Her husband replied, "Sure I’ll come... just as soon as I convince the police I didn’t steal your car!"
https://redd.it/1l1g1ps
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A grieving man approaches a puzzle box maker and requests the man make a special casket for his wife, because they both loved puzzles.
Intrigued, the craftsman obliges, and sets to work making an exquisite puzzle box casket, which is buried the next day.
Some time passes, and the two men cross paths again one day. The woodworker flags the widower down and says to him, "How've you been holding up?"
The widower says, "Oh it's been terrible. I miss her cooking, her laugh, and most of all, I just want to have sex with her one more time!"
The woodworker frowns and says, "I'm so sorry."
And the man goes, "Don't be! I've been doing puzzle boxes for over twenty years and yours is the best I've ever tried!"
https://redd.it/1l19ovr
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What a coincidence
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said : "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman
"What a coincidence." said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynaecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilised eggs."
"This is amazing," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.
She smiled and said... "What a coincidence!"
https://redd.it/1l12e55
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Three cowboys, one campfire, and a whole lot of testosterone...
Three tough cowboys were sitting around the campfire one night, bragging about how fearless and rugged they are.
The first one says:
"Just yesterday, I was walking along Dead Man’s Trail when a 12-foot rattlesnake slithered out from under a rock. I grabbed it, bit its head off, and sucked out all the venom. And here I am, still kicking!"
The second cowboy scoffs:
"That’s nothing. Last week, I was passing by old Bill’s ranch. A 500-pound bull had escaped and killed Bill, his wife, and three passersby. I grabbed that bull by the horns, flipped it upside down, and hogtied it so it couldn’t hurt anyone else."
The third cowboy didn’t say a word—he just kept poking the fire with his penis.
https://redd.it/1l0q239
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My father always likes to say, "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey".
Wonderful man, terrible bus driver.
https://redd.it/1l0bxqx
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A girl took my bedside table after I slept with her.
It was my one night stand.
https://redd.it/1l09u1n
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A man walks into a barbershop and asks the barber - "What's the wait time?"
The barber says "Be about two and a half hours." The guy leaves.
A couple of days later, he shows up again with the same question. The barber says "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves again.
About a week later, the guy shows up once more - "How long for a cut?" The barber states "About two hours." The guy leaves again.
The barber tells his buddy Fred - "Follow this guy and see where he goes, he's come in three times, asks how long for a haircut, then leaves."
Fred comes back an few minutes later, and the barber asks "So, did you follow him?".
Fred said "I sure did!"
"So where the heck did he go?" asked the barber.
"Your house!" said Fred.
https://redd.it/1l06h3y
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Two babies are born in the same hospital, at the exact same time
Two babies are born in the same hospital, at the exact same time. Room 203, side by side in their little incubators. Nurses say it was adorable—both boys, blinking up at the fluorescent lights like they were already disappointed in the world.
One turns his head, sees the other, and gives the tiniest nod. The other blinks, unimpressed. From that moment on, it's like they silently agreed to keep tabs on each other.
They grow up in completely different cities, never meeting again. One becomes a history teacher with three ex-wives and a cat that hates him. The other ends up a jazz musician who always smelled faintly of whiskey and regret.
Eighty years pass. Life happens. Wars, marriages, mortgages, prostate exams—all the highlights.
Then, by some ridiculous twist of fate, they end up in the same hospital, in the same room, dying within hours of each other. The nurse says, “Wow, what a coincidence!” but neither of them is impressed. They’ve been through too much.
They look at each other across their beds—old, wrinkled, tubes in every orifice imaginable. One squints and says, “You look familiar.”
The other croaks out, “Room 203. 1945. Incubators.”
A beat. Then they both laugh, which quickly turns into coughing.
Finally, one says, “So… what’d you think?”
The other guy stares at the ceiling for a long moment and goes, “I just wish the boob-sucking part came at the end.”
https://redd.it/1l01xnn
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A newly married man goes to meet a priest at the local church.
He greets the priest and said, "Father, I need to talk to you."
"Is it a confession, my son?" asked the priest.
"No, Father." the man replied, "I need to clarify something."
The Priest takes the man to his private chamber.
"Tell me, my son. What is it?"
"Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it."
Smiling, the Priest replied, "My son, as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: the altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself: '*I'LL ALTER HIM.'"*
https://redd.it/1kzqwqf
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‘But why are you a lesbian?’ the person asked with curiosity.
I responded… ‘Because I’m allergic to nuts.’
https://redd.it/1kzb495
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What does Subway and a bad tinder date have in common?
You walk in with the promise 6 inches of hot beef. You end up with 3 limp inches of lukewarm mystery meat and you have to pay for your own drink.
https://redd.it/1kz6wy8
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I was in Germany walking my dog when all of a sudden the little shit jumped into the lake
My dog thought it was shallow water but it was actually very deep and started to drown. I called for help, for someone to save my dog. Then a German came and jumped into the lake saving my little poodle.
Once he climbed out of the lake he handed me my dog and said, "here is ze dog, keep hi, warm and dry him off and and he vill be fine".
Thanking the nice man, I ask him, "are you a vet".
To which he responded, "vet? ma'am I am fucking soaked"
https://redd.it/1l1vu88
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A bunch of redditors get together and purchase a ride on a submarine that will cruise the deep sea, searching for the mythical "girlfriend fish".
Legend has it, she laughs at all your jokes and loves you right, if you're funny.
They all want their shot, but its an hour long dive. To pass the time, they start telling each other jokes. In fact, because everything on the sub is coin operated, they make a game out of it.
For each good, original joke told, the teller gets a penny. For each bad or unoriginal joke, they lose a penny. The person with the most pennies at the end gets to catch the first girlfriend fish with the penny-operated net!
One man goes first, and tells a joke about potheads being ridiculous, but everyone thinks it's unrealistic, and so he gets no pennies.
Another goes, telling a pun laden joke about llamas. The other redditors think the pun is lazy, and so he gets no pennies.
This goes on for some time but in the end, no one has any pennies and they're all getting nasty toward each other.
Then, the captain of the sub calls out over the intercom that the girlfriend fish has been spotted! He rushes into the back, telling everyone to man their stations to catch her. As they do, a school of girlfriend fish - beautiful and free - swims past.
But there they go, swimming on by. The captain, confused, cries out, "Why did no one launch the nets? They only cost a penny! Don't you all want girlfriends that think you're funny?"
And the first man, head low, says, "Of course we do captain, but no one on this sub has any cents of humor."
https://redd.it/1l1mmgc
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A woman walks into a store and asks the clerk for four D-cell batteries.
The clerk waggled his finger and said, "Come this way." The lady replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D-cell batteries".
https://redd.it/1l1jt4q
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A little girl wanted to take her dog for a walk around the block...
...so she asked her mother.
Her mother said, "No, sweetie, she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the girl.
"Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?" her busy mother replied.
So the girl went to her father in the garage and asked him, "I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she's in heat and to ask you about it."
Her father took a clean rag, poured some 2-stroke lawnmower fuel on it, then gently rubbed the dog's tail and butt with it to disguise the scent.
"Now you can take her for a walk," he said, "Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine."
The little girl skipped happily away with Lulu trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returned with an empty leash, and no dog.
Concerned, her dad asked, "Where’s Lulu, sweetie?"
"She ran out of gas halfway around the block," his daughter told him, "So the neighbour's dog is giving her a push home."
https://redd.it/1l1d9jr
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Why does Batman wear such a dark suit?
Because he doesn't want to get shot.
Why does Robin wear such a colorful suit?
Because Batman doesn't want to get shot.
https://redd.it/1l10vm6
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What do you have if you have one large green ball in your left hand and one large green ball in your right hand?
The undivided attention of the Hulk.
https://redd.it/1l0mi3b
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One my 11 year old daughter made up - What kind of shoes do dogs wear?
Barkenstocks
https://redd.it/1l0m2tl
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My favorite Soviet era joke:
Three Russian men were sent by their company to attend a convention in Moscow. All 3 shared a hotel room. Two of them cracked open a bottle of vodka, but the third just wanted to sleep.
The two drinkers got louder and louder as the bottle emptied, telling each other political jokes. The third was kept awake, and got angry.
He went outside for a smoke. On his way back to his room, he stopped at the desk and said ***'Please send a pot of tea up to room 23.'***
The two drunks were still being loud. The third man went in, looked at them, then leaned over to the light socket ***'Comrade Major, please send some tea to my room.'***
The other men thought this was hilarious...until there was a knock on the door, and a waiter with a pot of tea.
They became completely silent, and the third man fell asleep.
When he woke up in the morning, he was alone. He went to the front desk, and asked where his roommates were.
***'Well, the KGB came this morning and took them away.'***
The man was horrified ***'Why did they spare me***?!?***'***
***"The comrade major thought the tea joke was very funny."***
https://redd.it/1l0imb0
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What does a pregnant teen and her fetus have in common?
They're both worried their mom will kill them
https://redd.it/1l0d95j
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Two men are sailing around the world, doing a ton of drugs, when a violent squall hits out of nowhere. In the chaos, they accidentally blow a seal in the engine and drift onto a deserted island.
They both survive, and the next day set out to explore the island. They see some seagulls, seals, coconuts, and also, rare psychoactive berries!
Being who they are, they both eat a handful.
Soon, they're high as balls, when they both hear singing. They jump up and rush toward the sound, thinking it's rescue, only to find a big busty mermaid coaxing them over to their boat!
Overcome by lust, they both end up having sex with the mermaid before passing out on the shore.
When they wake up, a coast guardsman is standing over them, glaring at them. He asks them, "What the hell happened here?"
"Well," says one man, "We washed ashore in a storm!"
The other, ashamed, adds, "And we did a bunch of drugs and blew a seal on our boat."
Pausing, the guardsman frowns and says, "You fucked it too."
https://redd.it/1l01cnv
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What's a question that applies to golfers and porn stars?
How many holes you doing today?
https://redd.it/1kzw2rt
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Three reporters from three different TV stations go to do a story on a taxidermist.
Taxidermist traps them all in a room, and reveals that he's an escaped murderer, and the reporters made him look bad in a previous story.
So the guy goes, "Ya'll made me look terrible, like a monster, and now you're gonna redeem yourselves. So tell me what you're gonna do, or die."
First reporter says, "We'll retract the story, and say it was someone else!"
Guy goes, "Great, great, that's what I wanna hear. Now you."
Second reporter goes, "We'll make sure to issue an apology, and we won't cover anymore mur-accidents..."
Guy goes, "Good. Good." He turns to the third reporter, "Now what about you?"
Reporter says, "Nothing."
"Nothing, whaddya mean nothing?"
"You kidding? We're live right now! This is gonna be my best story yet!"
https://redd.it/1kzkofs
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A guy sees a sign in a bar window looking for a piano player.
So he goes in and says he'd like to try out. The owner tells him, "There's the piano. Let's hear what you got."
The guy plays a haunting, soulful melody that is just beautiful.
The bar owner is impressed and asks the guy what song it was.
"It's my own composition. I call it 'Weasels Ate My Genitals.'"
Taken aback, the owner replies, "Um okay. Let's hear another one."
Again, the guy plays virtuoso piano but this time it's an upbeat jazzy number that had the owner dancing in his seat.
"That's great!", he said. "What's that song?"
"That's mine too. It's called 'Shit in My Mouth. I Love it."
The owner is shocked again but he has to have this guy in his place. He hires him but says he shouldn't tell people the names of his songs. The guy agrees.
When he starts playing at the bar, he's an instant hit. Everyone is digging his music and his tip jar is full. After a nice long set, he takes a quick bathroom break. As he's coming back, a lady stops him and says, "Do you know your zipper is open and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?", he replied."Hell lady, I *wrote* it!"
https://redd.it/1kzj0r9
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Asked my son what he learned at school today. He said, “Gay men like Sony, lesbians favor Yamaha, and transgender people prefer Bose.”
Kneeling down I put my hand on his shoulder and replied, “Son, those are just stereo types.”
https://redd.it/1kze624
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A man is at a bar, chatting with the bartender, when the topic of sex comes up.
This guy, drunk off his ass on Blue Moon beer, accidentally confesses that he is a pervert who likes to cum in other people's food without them knowing. He says he does it all the time.
The bartender must've heard worse because he seems absolutely unfazed, continuing to chat with the man as if he'd been talking about the weather.
Pretty soon, the man stands and says he's going to the bathroom, and will be right back. He's gone for a couple of minutes and when he returns, he takes a nice, deep swig of his beer.
Now, absolutely wasted, he asks the bartender, "So, do you ever jizz in anyone's food?"
And the bartender shrugs and says, "Oh, maybe once in a Blue Moon."
https://redd.it/1kz4w4o
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