1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A man wakes up hungover in an alley with his pants off, and notices two colored rings painted on this dick, one brown, one red
He freaks out and goes to see a doctor to find out what the rings are. The doctor examines them and says "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"
The man asks "What's the good news?"
Doctor "The red ring is lipstick. Just ordinary red lipstick."
Man "Oh that's great! But what's the bad news?"
Doctor "The bad news is the brown ring is tobacco chew spit..."
https://redd.it/1l56cyj
@r_jokes
Scientists took out the left half of a man’s brain
They asked him to count to 10 he goes “246 810“ so they put the left half back in and remove the right half. They ask him to count to 10 again he goes “37215. They put the right half back in and go ahead and remove both halves and ask him to count to 10 he goes “look I’m the best at counting and I have the best numbers no one has better numbers then me And my fourth grade math teacher and let me tell you she was the greatest math teacher at the time she said you have the best numbers ever so watch I’m going to count to 10“ on my phenomenal counter. I’m going to count them tremendously.
https://redd.it/1l55nxs
@r_jokes
Doctor’s advice for premature ejaculation didn’t go as planned
guy goes to the doctor and says:
“Doc, I’ve got a problem. I finish way too fast during sex. I can't enjoy it at all.”
The doctor nods and says,
“Okay… take this starter pistol.”
“A pistol?!”
“It's just a blank-firing gun. Every time you feel like you're about to finish, shoot it. The loud sound will startle you and delay the climax.”
“Worth a try,” the guy says and leaves.
The next day he comes back, limping and visibly upset.
The doctor asks, “So, how did it go?”
“Horrible!” he replies.
“Last night I was doing 69 with my girlfriend. Just when I was about to finish, I fired the gun.”
“And?”
“Well...
First, she shit herself from the shock.
Second, she bit me… hard.
And third… some dude jumped out of the closet with his hands in the air!”
https://redd.it/1l4v4lg
@r_jokes
Do the laundry
Once upon a time, there was a couple. They already had kids, so whenever they wanted to have sex, they used a codeword, "Laundry," to hide it from the kids.
During a long weekend, the couple had some fights, and they weren't talking to each other. The other night, the husband was horny, so he asked their son to tell the wife, "Dad thinks it's time to do the laundry tonight after we go to bed." However, the wife told the son to reply to his dad, "Mommy said the washing machine is broken." So, they didn't do the laundry that night.
Two days later, it was the wife's turn to be horny. She told the son to pass the message, "The washing machine is good now, we can do the laundry tonight." After a moment, the son came back to his mom and said, "Daddy said he hand-washed the clothes last night."
https://redd.it/1l4hvin
@r_jokes
Three men are in an airplane. One is the pilot, the other two are a hippie and the someone self described as the world's smartest man
Suddenly the plane's engines began failing, and the pilot says there isn't much time, and he'll keep the plane in the air as long as he can, and told his two passengers to take the only two parachutes on board and bail out. The world's smartest man immediately took a parachute and said "I'm the world's smartest man! The world needs me, so I can't die here!", and then jumped out of the plane.
The pilot tells the hippie to hurry up and take the other parachute, because there aren't any more. And the hippie says "Relax man. We'll be fine. The world's smartest man took my backpack."
https://redd.it/1l4a12d
@r_jokes
The secret to a conflictless marriage
A man having constant marital troubles consulted his friend who never seemed to have any argument with his wife. He advised, “The secret to my peaceful marriage is this golden arrangement- I let my wife decide in minor insignificant matters, and completely honor her decision without any question. And I get to have my say in important major issues, and she never challenges.”
“Give me some examples”, the troubled man asked inquisitively.
“Like, it was my wife’s decision that we move to this city and settle here. She chose the house we bought. She decided how many kids we would have, which school they go to, the parenting style we use, the healthy lifestyle we live, where and how often we go on vacation… you get the idea, don’t you?”
Perplexed, the man asked, “If these are the minor decisions that your wife makes, what are the major issues that you are incharge of?”
“I form my opinions in major matters like if we should send a manned mission to Mars and inhabit the planet, what the government’s policies should be to tackle climate change, which party should form the next government… and my wife never objects!”
https://redd.it/1l47s08
@r_jokes
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders
Accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racecourse to learn about thoroughbred racehorses.
In the course of the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher while the boys went with another.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn’t reach the urinal. Reluctantly the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary schoolchild.
“I guess you must be in the fifth?” she said.
“No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m in the seventh, riding Lucky Charm. Thanks for the lift anyway.”
https://redd.it/1l3tfi5
@r_jokes
My son walked in with a rock in his hand
He said, “I know it’s embarrassing, but I’ve been pretending this dumb old thing is my friend.”
I said to him, “that’s ok, lots of kids have imaginary friends.”
Then he yelled at me, “shut up dumbass, I’m talking to my rock!”
https://redd.it/1l3qvdf
@r_jokes
My friend got fired from her job for being a company Whistleblower
She was discovered by the CEO’s wife, Mrs. Whistle
https://redd.it/1l3lb0h
@r_jokes
Do you have an acronym for TESLA?
Add to the list of car names explained like the following examples:
ACURA: Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AUDI: Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW: Big Money Wasted
CHEVROLET: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT: Fix it again, Tony!
FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GMC: Garage Man's Companion
KIA: Kick It Again
https://redd.it/1l3dq28
@r_jokes
Knock knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Another mosquito.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Yeti
Yeti who?
Yet another mosquito.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Helen
Helen who?
Hell, another mosquito.
https://redd.it/1l34caa
@r_jokes
Why is a car ferry like a condom?
Roll-on, roll-off, full of seamen and if you get a hole in one, you're sunk.
https://redd.it/1l317je
@r_jokes
My Dad says he changes his Facebook password from time to time
I don't think he realises that they are the same words
https://redd.it/1l2q8u9
@r_jokes
A woman visits the doctor...
as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her, "Well, I hope you like changing diapers."
She replies, "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?!"
To which he responds, "No, you've got bowel cancer."
https://redd.it/1l2ds67
@r_jokes
From my 12 year old: To the guy who invented 'zero'...
Thanks for nothing.
https://redd.it/1l2ecef
@r_jokes
A widower goes to a psychic to contact his late wife. “Honey,” he says. “Are you happy?”
“Yes, my husband,” she says.
Relieved, the man asks, “Are you happier than when you were with me?”
“Yes, my husband,” she replies, “I’m much, much happier.”
The husband smiles. “Heaven must be an amazing place.”
“I wouldn’t know,” she says. “I’m not in heaven.”
https://redd.it/1l584c7
@r_jokes
In Russia, two guys are queuing to buy potatoes
Two guys are queuing in front of a grocery store to buy some potatoes.
It's been hours, queue's moving at a snails pace. One of them snaps out, "that's it, I've had enough, I'm going to buy a gun and shoot Putin", and he leaves.
One hour later, he returns and takes back his place in the queue, silently.
"Well ?" asks the other guy.
"Nevermind, queue's even longer"
https://redd.it/1l4wenw
@r_jokes
Guy goes to doctor about a sex addiction problem.
Doctor: " what seems to be the problem?"
Guy: "well, you see Doctor, I have an uncontrollable sex drive. I have to have sex with my wife 2-3 times a day "
Doctor: "well, that's unusually strong, but not a big concern"
Guy: "I also have to have sex with a coworker 2 or 3 times a day" .
Doctor:"hmmm, I starting to see the problem!"
Guy:" that's not all!. I have sex with my girlfriend 2.or 3 times a day!"
Doctor:" my goodness, man! You've got to get ahold of yourself!"
Guy:"I do...2 or 3 times a day!"
https://redd.it/1l4sozr
@r_jokes
The doctor says I have ADHD
He told me it stands Attention Deficit-something or other. I kinda drifted off when I saw on his diploma that his middle name was the same as a kid I knew in grade school that I used to play thundercats with. I was always Panthro, because Panthers are cool. Go Panthers! Second Stanley Cup win this year? That’d be cool. Remember the Stanley Cup trend at Target stores? It was a riot!
https://redd.it/1l42u3w
@r_jokes
There is something I don't understand about 69
How did the 6 manage to hook up with a 9?
https://redd.it/1l419z1
@r_jokes
A woman walks into a hospital wheeling her husband with her in a wheelbarrow
She stops at the front desk and talks to the admitting nurse. "Good day," she says. "Something is wrong with my husband. He was very difficult to wake up this morning, he barely touched his breakfast, and he hasn't done anything all day. Can you find out what's wrong?" She and her husband are whisked into a room. A couple of big, burly orderlies come in and lift her unresponsive husband onto the examination table.
A doctor walks into the room and begins examining her husband. He puts on a stethoscope, then gets out a sphygmomanometer and measures his blood pressure, nodding grimly as he takes the measurement. Then he uses this stethoscope to listen carefully to the husband's chest, then he gets out a tool and uses it to peer into the husband's eyes. Then he sighs, steps toward the woman and delivers his verdict.
"Madam, this man is dead. That will be fifty dollars, please."
"He's dead? Really? Are you sure?"
"Yes ma'am, he's definitely dead. Fifty dollars, please."
"But how can you be so sure? You haven't run any tests or anything."
The doctor sighs, goes to the back door of the room, and knocks on it twice. He opens the door, and a black Labrador retriever comes into the room and trots quickly up to the examination table.
The dog walks around the table, sniffing the husband thoroughly. He walks around the table twice, sniffing as he goes, and licks the man on his cheek. Then he looks down at the floor, gives off a soft, plaintive woof, and trots back through the door, which closes.
The doctor knocks on the door again, three times this time, and opens it. An orange-and-white cat comes in, walks to the table, and with a graceful leap lands on the husband.
The cat walks around on the husband's body, kneading and purring loudly. It walks up to the man's chest and flicks Its tongue out several times, lightly tasting the husband's neck. Then it lets out a sad meow and shakes its head slowly before jumping down and leaving the room. The doctor turns back to the woman.
"Yes, he's definitely dead. That will be $1,500, please.*
*$1,500?! I thought you said it was fifty bucks!"
"Yes, but that was before the Lab report and the cat scan. Those can be really expensive."
https://redd.it/1l46bsi
@r_jokes
A Tibetan man, an Indian man, a German man and a Maltese man die and go to purgatory
A Tibetan man, an Indian man, a German man and a Maltese man die and go to purgatory. And to pass the time, they begin discussing how they died.
The Tibetan man says "I was driving a truck in San Gwann, and as im driving I see a man just standing in the middle of the road, eating a box of chicken satay. And as a Tibetan I'm forbidden to kill any living creature, so I swerved into the other lane and a motorbike crashes into me. The bike gets stuck in my wheels so I can't turn. And I crash right into a petrol station, ignite a puddle of gasoline on the floor and the whole thing explodes."
The Indian guy says "Thats such a coincidence. I was in San Gwann, delivering chicken satay on Bolt Food. But when I got to the customer i realised my bag was unzipped and the chicken satay must have fallen somewhere in the road. As an Indian im very hard working so I drive back to find the chicken satay, and as im driving I see a man, standing in the middle of the road, eating the chicken satay. And im so distracted that i get hit by a truck, I get stuck under the wheels. The truck crashes into the petrol station, ignites a puddle of gasoline on the floor, and the whole thing explodes."
The German guy says "That's so crazy! I was in San Gwann at a petrol station. And there was a big puddle of gasoline on the floor. And as a German i cant stand a mess on the floor. So I get a towel to mop up the gasoline but I see a man, standing in the middle of the road, eating a box of chicken satay. And im so confused that i forget about the puddle. Suddenly this huge truck crashes into the petrol station, ignites the puddle of gasoline, and the whole thing explodes."
The Maltese guy has been very quiet, and doesnt seem to be listening to everyones stories. So they ask him, "how did you die?"
And the Maltese guy says "It was very strange. I was crossing the road in San Gwann, and I see a takeout box on the floor. And I open it, and its full of chicken satay. So I begin eating the chicken satay. And all of a sudden, a truck whizzes past me, hits a motorbike, the motorbike gets stuck in the wheels, the truck crashes into a petrol station, ignites a puddle of gasoline, and the whole thing explodes."
And the other guys ask "But then how did you die?"
And the Maltese guy says "Im allergic to peanuts"
https://redd.it/1l3zsa4
@r_jokes
A Scottish soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."
https://redd.it/1l3kgww
@r_jokes
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
https://redd.it/1l3msey
@r_jokes
The Garden
John is in prison and he gets a letter from his father, who is getting up in years. His father says he doesn't know how he's going to prepare the garden this year without his son's help.
John knows his mail is being monitored at the prison, so he writes back to his Dad and tells him, whatever you do, don't dig up the back yard.
The next day a bunch of cops show up and dig up the whole yard, looking for the missing money, but they never find a thing.
John then writes to his Dad and tells him to go ahead and plant the garden. "It's the best I could do under the circumstances."
https://redd.it/1l3d1xm
@r_jokes
"Mrs Green? It's the hospital. Your little boy has been hit by a bus, but don't worry"
"He had clean underwear on".
https://redd.it/1l2ydp5
@r_jokes
Pirate joke I thought of in the shower
"Why couldn't the Captain set sail with his lass on their Maiden voyage?"
>!\*He didn't have enough seamen\*!<
https://redd.it/1l2xp2w
@r_jokes
I used to date a woman who was a baroque music specialist. (true story)
She was a terrific singer, and also played the drum, lute, and traverso (a kind of baroque flute).
Often she would be called for sessions where she had to sing and record all three instruments together. These sessions were often very long and demanding, and she'd always come home exhausted and in a bad mood.
One night, she came home after one such session, obviously pissed off and tired. My friend, who was over with me gaming, asked, "Wow, what's up with Rachel?"
I said "She's fine. She just finished her minstrel cycle."
https://redd.it/1l2qa6p
@r_jokes
The pope is on an airplane working on a crossword puzzle.
He asks his neighbor: “What’s a 4 letter word for a woman that ends in UNT?”
“Well,” says the neighbor, “that would have to be AUNT.”
The pope then asks: “Do you have an eraser?”
https://redd.it/1l2i7ac
@r_jokes
A man rents a room.
He pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day.
So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal white bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.
When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.
The next day, she makes two sandwiches (turkey this time), and adds a container of salad, some crackers and peanut butter, and a slice of cake.
That night, he told her most apologetically that while the food was delicious, he found himself still hungry, and could she possibly put in a little more tomorrow?
The next day, she uses long slices of sourdough bread to construct a pair of huge sandwiches, and includes crackers, peanut butter, chips and dip, veggies and ranch dressing, and a whole 2-litre bottle of soda.
That night, he smiles very kindly, and tells her it was almost enough food.
The next day - throwing caution to the wind, and idly wondering if she's feeding his entire workplace - she cuts a loaf of bread in half and stuffs it with pounds of meat and cheese, an entire head of lettuce, tomatoes, onions, other vegetables, sauces: everything!
That night, he gives her a dry look and says, "So, I see we're back down to one sandwich?"
https://redd.it/1l296gv
@r_jokes