1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
My family recently discovered our granddad has a Viagra addiction.
No one is taking it harder than grandma.
https://redd.it/1sqgbdm
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Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're next."
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
https://redd.it/1sqbrz0
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Still my favorite joke I ever came up with. :)
A monocle strolls into a bar. After a couple of drinks, he starts feeling pretty great (and a bit unsteady). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender cuts him off. "Sorry, pal, but city rules ban smoking inside. You'll have to go outside if you want to smoke."
So the monocle jumps down from the bar stool and picks up his cigarettes to head out. At the same time, a second monocle comes out of the bathroom. They collide as they pass each other and tumble to the ground, completely twisted together. They attempt to untangle themselves, but the harder they try, the more knotted they get.
The bartender stares down at the mess and shakes his head. "Hey, you two!" he yells. "Quit making spectacles of yourselves!"
https://redd.it/1sq6rzh
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A woman was getting her hair done at the salon for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
https://redd.it/1sq2f9s
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I just opened a store selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof!
https://redd.it/1sptosl
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Sam went away to school...
A month later, he mailed a letter to his mother:
Dear Mom,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I'm acing $pani$h and Economic$, and I $pend hour$ in the $ocial $cience$ department. $ociology i$ intere$ting!
Ju$t off I can't think of anything I wi$h for, but it would be $uper nice if you could ju$t $end me a card, a$ you know I would alway$ love to hear from you.
Love and ki$$e$,
your $on, $am
His mother wrote back:
Dear Sammy,
I kNOw ecoNOmics, astroNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are more than eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, your mom
https://redd.it/1spiwwa
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A rich donor is given a tour of the new hospital wing named after her...
The tour guide shows her all the wonderful people she's helped, the staff they hired, and the medical equipment her philanthropy helped fund. As they tour one of the bottom floors they come to a room where a man is furiously masturbating. The rich donor is appalled and wants to cut the tour short.
The tour guide says "Ma'am, you don't understand. This man has a very rare condition. If he doesn't ejaculate every hour or so poisons will accumulate in his blood and he'll die soon after."
Relieved by the explanation, the rich donor decides to continue the tour. She's shown the cancer ward, obstetrics, the highly advanced surgical ward, and finally the top floor that houses the sickest patients. As the tourists pass a room the donor notices a patient receiving a blowjob from a nurse. Again, she is appalled and wants to end the tour.
The tour guide says "remember down on the first floor with the guy masturbating?"
She replies "how could I forget?"
The tour guide says "well, this man has the same condition, only much better insurance."
https://redd.it/1spf9b7
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Hey, if anybody lost 15 $100 bills wrapped up in a green rubber band ...
I found your rubber band.
https://redd.it/1sp2k1c
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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus...
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's penis and began to work back.
'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?'
The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.
https://redd.it/1sovi35
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Little Wayne
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Wayne says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Wayne, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Wayne’s whore..."
https://redd.it/1solwxw
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A cruise ship sails past a small island in the ocean, where a bearded man is shouting something while frantically waving his arms.
"Who is that?", a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea. Every year, when we pass by here, he goes crazy in exactly the same way."
https://redd.it/1soaz59
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A man goes to the doctor...
The doctor asks the man, "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
The man says, "Well doc, this is gonna sound a little weird. I wasn't even sure if I should come to you about it, but you know what they say, better safe than sorry!"
The doctor says, "I've heard everything there is. Out with it man, what seems to be the problem?"
The man says, "Well doc, here's the thing. My shit doesn't stink anymore."
"Your shit doesn't stink anymore?" the doctor repeats back as a question.
"Yes sir. I noticed it a month ago in late April. I was sitting down for my regular morning shit. Everything went well, firm, good size, came right out nice and smooth and that's when I noticed. No smell! Not a damn thing! I've just been wondering if something might be wrong." the man explains.
The doctor furrows his brow, "That is indeed puzzling, sir. It says here you're not married. And you live alone?"
"Just me and my dog." the man replies.
The doctor scribbles two prescriptions and hands them to the man, "Take one of each, once a day for two weeks and come back to me."
The man comes back two weeks later. Now he's angry. His face is red as he grumpily explains, "Doc, I don't know what you gave me, but ooh boy does my shit stink! I think you might have made things worse! I'm gagging in the bathroom! I can barely stand to be in the room with my own stink now! What in the hell did you give me?" he demands.
The doctor replies, "Nasal decongestant and antihistamine."
https://redd.it/1so4elg
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My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads.
Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".
https://redd.it/1snvswd
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What do you call a hotel you'd only stay in if no others have rooms available?
Your last resort
https://redd.it/1sntvcy
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Kid went away to college...
...and grew a goatee, and was very proud of it.
He took a selfie and sent it to his dad with a note:
"This makes me look rather like a count, does it not?"
Dad turns to mom and says, "Kid's grown a beard, but still can't spell."
https://redd.it/1sn96b8
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John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...
...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."
https://redd.it/1sqmas1
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This one is a true story. O. Henry, the great short story writer, was dying in a hospital in 1910.
Back then they didn't have modern medical equipment and the people gathered around his bed didn't know if he was asleep or dead.
Someone said, "Feel his feet. No one ever died with warm feet."
O. Henry opened his eyes and said, "Joan of Arc did." Then immediately died. Those were his last words.
https://redd.it/1sqbivs
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Men will always be men!!
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to eat…
So, she says to her baby
"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there" and points at the man sitting across from her”
10 mins later "You have to eat, or I will give to that man!"
5 mins later "Come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or I’m giving it to that man"
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her finally says,
"Come on lady, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off 3 stops ago!"
https://redd.it/1sq60jb
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A guy sitting at a bar downs his drink and says, "Goddamn idiots." "What's the problem?" the bartender asks.
The guy says, "On my way over here I saw a strip club right across the street from a Mini-Golf place."
"So?" says the bartender.
"Well," the guy says, "I'm as progressive as the next guy, but what if you're trying to have a nice afternoon with your family, and the kids look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing Mini-Golf?"
https://redd.it/1spob6o
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...
"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They're my favorite band of all time. When they went on their And Justice For All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the World Music Theater!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
https://redd.it/1sppzda
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A man got divorced...
A guy finds an old lamp and gives it a rub. A genie pops out.
The genie says I will grant you three wishes, but there are rules. One wish has to be good for you, two have to be bad for you. And whatever you wish for, your ex wife gets double.
The guy thinks for a second and says alright. For my first wish I want a million dollar mansion sitting on one hundred acres, with a safe inside that has ten million dollars in it.
The genie snaps his fingers. Done. And your ex wife now has a two million dollar ranch on two hundred acres with a safe holding twenty million.
The guy shakes his head but says okay. For my second wish I want you to give my ex wife half of everything I have.
The genie looks at him for a moment, then snaps again. Done. Which means she now has to give you all of hers.
The guy smiles. Perfect.
The genie says alright, last wish. This one has to be bad for you.
The guy takes a breath and says fine. I want you to beat me half to death.
The genie pauses, looks at him, then slowly smiles.
https://redd.it/1spb18x
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What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song while chickpeas can only hummus one
https://redd.it/1sp1ylc
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A guy is golfing at an upscale course and goes to hit the ball from the red tees. A staff member is driving by in his cart and grabs a megaphone. "Will the gentleman on hole four please move his ball back to the white markers, and not hit from the ladies tee box?"
The guy yells back, "Will the guy in the golf cart please shut the fuck up so I can take my second shot?"
https://redd.it/1sp1ksp
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A woman decides she's finally going to get into shape and start jogging. She jogs for several miles and is feeling really great about herself. But then a man drives by, points out the window and shouts, "Pig!"
The woman shouts back, "How dare you!"
Then she trips over a pig.
https://redd.it/1somkvu
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Rolls Royce and Kia
A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.
The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator."
Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!"
The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!"
Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.
The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.
The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!
https://redd.it/1solzyv
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What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahaha
https://redd.it/1socgdu
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Jesus Christ
Two priests are walking down the street when a drunk comes up to them before falling on to one of them and says: "I am Jesus Christ".
The priest smelling the drunk immediately pushes the drunk off and says: "no, you are NOT Jesus Christ".
The drunk says: "betcha I am. Follow me." The priests look at one another before the drunk starts pulling one by the arm, pulling the priest into a corner pub.
The drunk stumbles into the pub with the priests in tow when the bartender shouts: "Jesus Christ, what are you doing back in here? I told you to leave".
https://redd.it/1so39k5
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An Italian man is really proud of his mastering a classic Cajun dish.
But he was a little mad people kept calling it gumbo. When he confided in his girlfriend she asked "Wait. It's not gumbo?'
He replied
"E tu, Faye?"
ETA: Fixed punctuation as per commenters' suggestions.
https://redd.it/1snhq4o
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A parasite walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve your type here."
The parasite replies, "Well you're not a very good host."
https://redd.it/1snpkhh
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So a girl walks in and catches her boyfriend masturbating to an optical illusion. "What the hell are you doing?" she screams.
And he says, "Honey, it's not what it looks like."
https://redd.it/1snezuf
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