1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A man was holding a sign that said "Free Hugs". I tried to hug him, but he punched me in the face.
Turns out, "Hugs" was his cousin who didnt make parole.
https://redd.it/1j5epts
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A man walks into a coffee shop, and asks for an Americano.
A man walks into a coffee shop, and asks for an Americano.
Barista: May I suggest a Canadiano instead?
Man: What's a Canadiano?
Barista: An Americano without the tariffs!
https://redd.it/1j5a8ff
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A guy walks into the doctor’s office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril. The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
https://redd.it/1j4yqr2
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The first time I met my girlfriend's family and we played footsie under the restaurant table, she went too far and I had a huge messy orgasm.
Turns out it was her grandmother. I got off on the wrong foot.
https://redd.it/1j4ts8s
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A Cowboy gets captured by a tribe of Indians.
The chief comes to the cowboy and says “We mean to kill you in three days, but you get one wish a day and if we can fulfill it we will, so go ahead and ask for your first wish.” The cowboy seems indifferent and grumbles “I wanna talk to my horse.” So they bring his horse to him and he whispers something in the horse’s ear. The horse runs off and an hour later comes back with a beautiful brunette on its back. She jumps into the tent with the cowboy and leaves come morning.
The next morning the chief asks him for his second wish, the cowboy again says “Let me talk to my horse.” They grant it and once he whispers in the horse’s ear it speeds off and comes back three hours later with a gorgeous blonde that jumps into the tent with the cowboy. Once again she’s gone by morning.
The next morning the chief says “Alright this is it Cowboy, what’s your final wish?” The cow boy is sweating and shaking at this point but once again asks to talk to his horse. This time the cowboy grabs his horse by the ears and looks it dead in its eyes and says loud and slow “ POSSE, P-O-S-S-E, BRING ME A POSSE.”
https://redd.it/1j4lqgh
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Experts now say that cheese should be stored on the counter rather than refrigerated
Experts also say woof woof.
https://redd.it/1j4igd0
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A deaf girl jerked me off once.
I don't know if I should consider it a handjob or a blowjob.
https://redd.it/1j4asqr
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My wife wants to leave me due to my star wars addiction.
I was like may divorce be with you 😅
https://redd.it/1j42q5u
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals
I M LIVID
https://redd.it/1j3wqix
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A woman says to her husband, "You know, I think I might be pregnant."
He says "Well, you'd better call the surgery and see what they say." So she goes and picks up the phone and talks for a while, then she comes back and says, "They made an appointment and said I should bring a specimen with me. I didn't like to say I don't know what they meant."
The husband says, "I don't know either, but Mrs Higgins has had five children, so she must know about that kind of thing," and off goes the wife. When she comes back she has scratches all over her face, a nosebleed and a fat lip, the beginnings of a tremendous black eye, and a handful of hair less than she started out with.
"Good God, woman, whatever have you been doing?" exclaims the husband.
"It wasn't my fault, as God's my judge," the wife replies. "I went and asked the Higgins woman, as nice as you like, 'Mrs Higgins, what do the surgery mean when they say to bring in a specimen?'. She said 'Piss in a bottle,' so I said, 'Oh well, in that case, shit in your handbag, Mrs Higgins!' and things went downhill from there."
https://redd.it/1j3i20j
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I met a Muslim man and i asked him what it's like to do Ramadan
he said: "I'm Sikh"
i said: "yeah I'd be sick too if i had to give up eating and drinking all day"
https://redd.it/1j3fa8y
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I bought my friend a massive elephant for his room.
He said, "Geez. Thanks man."
I said, "Don't mention it."
https://redd.it/1j38idi
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Why hasn't Jesus come back yet?
He's afraid he'll get... double crossed
https://redd.it/1j2s5fo
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A man is tanning at a nude beach.
In order to prevent sunburns in sensitive places, he takes his hat and puts it on his crotch.
As he lies there, a woman passes in front of him.
\- You know, - she says with a smirk. - if you were a true gentleman, you would have raised your hat.
The man smirks back:
\- Ma'am, if you were a true lady, the hat *would* have risen.
https://redd.it/1j2x84y
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Whats Jesus favorite sport?
CrossFit.
https://redd.it/1j2m61e
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You would think a pirate's favorite letter is R, or maybe even the C
But it's actually P. Without it he becomes irate!
https://redd.it/1j50jro
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Lots of people know that Charles Babbage invented the computer...
But did you know that the cabbage was invented by a man called Charles Bomputer?
https://redd.it/1j54aam
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Brothels have been replacing their hookers with blow up dolls
I guess inflation finally hit the sex industry
https://redd.it/1j4vpk3
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Massages are a lot like fairy tales
They are better with a happy ending.
https://redd.it/1j4l388
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My doctor told me I was going deaf
And I admit I found that news hard to hear
https://redd.it/1j4fphz
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one: He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
https://redd.it/1j4aulw
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A lawyer was drinking with friends after winning a big case and says, "I'm probably going to Hell for the things I've done to win the case."
To which a friend replies, "don't be surprised when you get there and you're directed to the employee's entrance."
https://redd.it/1j40u19
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I wasted all my time and effort learning to cook to impress girls.
It turns out girls don’t want guys that cook. Girls want guys who eat out.
https://redd.it/1j3oewd
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Did you know cannabis overdose can lead to constipation?
Seriously, shit or get off the pot.
https://redd.it/1j3ledx
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Jesus and Moses were talking about the old days and decided to return to Earth for a vacation
.Upon arrival at the Sea of Galilee, Moses says, "Let's see if I can still do it" and steps to the shore and parts the sea then smiles at Jesus, "yup, I still got it.
Jesus says "watch this" steps into the sea and immediately sinks. He returns to the shore and tries again. Failure again. He spends time concentrating a bit before a third, failed attempt and while he's standing in water up to his waist, looks to Moses and says, "I just don't understand. You still have your powers and I'm Jesus I'm almighty. Why can't I walk on water?
Moses replies, "uh, maybe it's those holes in your feet."
https://redd.it/1j3amem
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An army colonel arrives at the new base he’s been assigned to manage
After settling in, he decides to take a tour and familiarize himself with his surroundings. He checks the barracks, kitchen, administration offices, training grounds, and the extensive unused land around the base.
While on patrol, he notices two soldiers in parade uniforms standing guard near a small bench.
He approaches them:
"Privates, report yourselves!"
"Sir, Private Rodriguez, sir!"
"Sir, Private Hughes, sir!"
"What are you doing here?"
"Sir, we were ordered to guard this bench, sir!"
"Who gave the order?"
"Sir, the last commander, sir! He made a permanent schedule to ensure there are always two men on guard. It’s unit tradition, sir!"
"Unit tradition, you say… Well then. Carry on, Privates."
"Sir, yes, sir!"
"Sir, yes, sir!"
The colonel returns to his quarters but remains puzzled by the strange tradition. Determined to get to the bottom of it, he starts digging into the history of the base. He calls the previous commander.
On the phone, he asks about the origin of the tradition, only to be told that the previous commander didn’t know either. When he took command, the bench was already being guarded, so he just continued the practice.
This pattern repeats as he contacts the second, third, and fourth former commanders. No one has any idea why the bench has been guarded all these years.
After several hours of investigation, the colonel finally gets a 103-year-old veteran on the phone.
"Good evening, sir. Is this Brigadier General Richards?"
A weak, elderly voice responds: "Yes?"
"Sorry to bother you, sir, but I’m trying to gather some information about a base you commanded between 1976 and 1982."
"Yes… I remember… How can I help?"
"It concerns a guard schedule that has been kept since your time in command. Two guards in parade uniforms are continuously stationed near a bench by the groundskeeping shed. Do you have any idea why?"
A brief silence follows. Then, in a frail voice, the general asks:
"Wh… What? … The paint is still wet??"
https://redd.it/1j39vxr
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You have to type Chuck Norris's name with proper capitalization.
Otherwise, chuck will find you and slam your head into your keyboavbhjlfvavffvdsbhfvdshhk fdvskhbhfdvajkhbfavdfddsrgjhfgcncf hthxrjgfcjcghSCsdsdCsdcDCsKJHdsc.kubAsckb.uS ahb.iz dh.biDs u.biDCs.kubCDsbi.uSCDui.bDsc.ubiSdc.ibuDvskb.uSDvi.hbDSvhib?dsvhbi.VSFhbi.DVSh.bkds bkh.FS.khbsf h.kb CShbk. Cs
https://redd.it/1j30nn2
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You know something? If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed...
... Oh, wait, he does.
https://redd.it/1j2wr15
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Why did the US shut down quantum computing research?
Because it was non-binary.
https://redd.it/1j2vdpp
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What's the difference between a hamster and a fleshlight?
If you need an answer to that, you should seek help
https://redd.it/1j2i4ep
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