1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A sale's Rep for Vaseline was interviewing women at a local drug store to ask if they used her product.
Most declined to answer, but a few of the younger girls admitted to using it for anal sex.
She saw an older woman walk in with 3 young children behind her.
She said "Excuse me ma'am, but could you tell me if you've ever used Vaseline during sex"?
The lady replied "Oh yes, my husband and I use Vaseline every time we make love".
The sale's Rep said "Wow, doesn't having that much anal get old"?
The lady replied " Anal sex! Oh, hell no! We smear it on the doorknob to keep these little bastards from busting in"!
https://redd.it/1jbk99o
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Little Johnny's dad is cooking venison on the BBQ. His sister says, "Daddy, that smells amazing, what kind of meat is that?"
Dad, "Here's a bit, try it. Here is a clue, it is something Mummy calls me everyday"
Johnny, "OMG Sally, spit it out, it's an asshole"
https://redd.it/1jb61k1
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My girlfriend calls me Heinsenberg in bed
Something about not knowing if it's in or out
https://redd.it/1jb1qqs
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The President just closed every submarine base.
When asked why, he said, "Those funny little black ships just keep sinking anyways."
https://redd.it/1jao2z0
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TIL that Russians don't like jokes about them
The downvotes show that they are not Putin up with it.
https://redd.it/1jamr1q
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Who does Beyonce’ call when she has a roof issue?
All the shingle ladies
https://redd.it/1jaan2s
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My doctor told me I was obese. I got defensive and told him, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese....
..... My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity **runs** in my family."
Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."
https://redd.it/1jaa61k
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Marx famously said that "religion is the opium of the masses"
He recognized, way ahead of his time, that people need better drugs.
https://redd.it/1j9zgt8
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Sex shops have the most noble customers
Everyone there is “buying for a friend”
https://redd.it/1j9itqz
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I caught my son going on Pornhub today and I am now deeply ashamed of him.
Only a dumbass would answer no on the "are you over 18?" question.
https://redd.it/1j9ol5g
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My dad always said in adultery there are only losers
But participating is more important then winning.
https://redd.it/1j9h948
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey.
https://redd.it/1j94d1n
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How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fuck you. Do it yourself!
https://redd.it/1j8zs0s
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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
But then the librarian asked me to take it out.
https://redd.it/1j8uxec
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Did you know Albert Einstein married his first cousin?
That's how he came up with the theory of relativity.
https://redd.it/1j8lzy9
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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
https://redd.it/1jbf7om
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Three women are gush are gushing about their children. The first one says, “My brilliant son graduated first in his class from Stanford University. He’s now a doctor, making $4,50,000 a year.
The second woman Th says, “My daughter graduated first in her class from Harvard. She’s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year.” The last woman—the proudest of them all— says, “My son never went to college, but he makes a million dollars a year working as a sports repairman.” Confused, the other women ask, “What’s a sports repairman?” “He fixes things,” says the third mother. “You know, basketball games, football games, baseball games …”
https://redd.it/1jb2xgu
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I bought Trader Joe's reduced guilt tortilla chips & you know what?
I already feel better about shooting that guy in Reno just to watch him die.
https://redd.it/1jat7yu
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My wife said, “Watcha doing today?” I said, “Nothing.” She said…
“You did that yesterday.” I said, “I wasn’t finished.”
https://redd.it/1jatq1i
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My friend asked me to wait one scrotosecond.
I asked what that was and they said "the length of time that getting kicked in the nuts is pleasurable."
https://redd.it/1jakhid
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Flowers for his girlfriend
On impulse, a young man bought a dozen roses for his girlfriend. When he presented them to her, she was moved to tears, tore off her clothes, and lay on the couch, spreading her limbs. “This,” she exclaimed, “is for the flowers.”
“Oh, come on, silly,” he replied, “isn’t there a vase somewhere in the house?”
https://redd.it/1jaa1wv
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I asked Siri why I was still single
She opened the front facing camera
https://redd.it/1ja84be
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I once dated a woman that was actually a ghost…
Had my suspicions the moment when she walked through the door
https://redd.it/1j9yax7
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How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms.
https://redd.it/1j9ti6l
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People deride Tesla products as "Swasticars." I see them as the future of transportation for all people and all products. A real people's vehicle...
A "folks wagon," if you will.
https://redd.it/1j9limy
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I love this one. It teaches a lesson
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin.
Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn
out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The other people in the congregation were all wearing upscale, expensive clothing.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were appalled at his appearance and didn’t attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church after the service the preacher went up
to him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."
The old cowboy assured the preacher he would. But the next Sunday he was wearing the sameragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
After the service the preacher again went over to the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God about your attire before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"And what did God tell you the proper attire would be for worshiping here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir,” the cowboy replied, “God told me He didn't have a clue what I should wear because He'd never been in this church."
https://redd.it/1j9cokv
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Me: Father forgive me for I have sinned. I cannot stop thinking about Bare Naked Ladies. Priest: I see. How long has it been since your last confession?
It's been...
https://redd.it/1j98o5x
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A man goes to the store to buy condoms
He says to the woman behind the counter "Excuse me miss, I would like 5 condoms please." To which she replies "Don't 'miss' me!" So he says "Ok then, make it 6."
https://redd.it/1j8u9x1
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I got home and caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate. I told her that this is not going to work out.
She completed lost it and went fucking bananas.
https://redd.it/1j8qefb
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What do you call a bagel that likes getting hurt?
A gluten for punishment.
https://redd.it/1j8fypd
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