1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
If not for the US that the French aren't speaking German right now.
If not for the French the Americans would still be speaking English CORRECTLY
https://redd.it/1jedlkq
@r_jokes
A man walks into a brothel...
The hostess/Madam asks: "How can I help you?"
The guy is clearly very shy and out of element but manages to mumble: "Can I have a girl with huge tits, and tight pussy, please?"
"Of course”, says the Madam. "Why don't you sit in the waiting room, and we'll let you know when the girl is ready for you.”
The guy proceeds to the waiting room. After a few minutes there's an intercom announcement: "The guy with large hands and small penis, please come up to room number 5."
https://redd.it/1je6n54
@r_jokes
what's an Irish swimmers' favorite stroke?
Margaret Thatcher's.
https://redd.it/1jdt1yd
@r_jokes
A woman is pregnant with triplets, two girls and one boy, at bank when it gets robbed.
She gets shot 3 times once in each baby. The doctors were able to save all of the babies and life continues as normal. she decides to keep this secret to herself not telling the triplets. 14 years later one of the girls comes running down the stairs screaming "MOM! MOM" the mother responds "what is it honey" and the girl says "i was peeing and then i peed out a bullet!" the mom decides to tell her the story. The next day the samething happens the girl runs down the stairs screaming she peed a bullet and the mom decides okay shes old enough and i told her sister so i might aswell tell her. the next day the boy runs down the stairs shouting mom! mom! and the mom says "lemme geuss you peed a bullet?" The boy responds "No! i was jerking off and i shot the dog!!!!"
https://redd.it/1jdprvk
@r_jokes
I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and handed me her iPhone.
so... the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is pissed.
https://redd.it/1jdplnn
@r_jokes
Women are a lot like washing machines.
They can take quite a few loads, but guys still don’t know how to turn them on.
https://redd.it/1jdbpuv
@r_jokes
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."
And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."
The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…
"SUPPLIES!"
https://redd.it/1jd1tt4
@r_jokes
As a divorced man recently back in the dating pool, I've learned that women age like a fine wine...
...and I love nineteen year old wine.
https://redd.it/1jcyi4h
@r_jokes
My wife and I went out for Italian last night, and of course, we over-ordered and left with a doggie bag. We passed a kid about 13 looking in really sorry shape, who asked for our food, which we gladly gave him
He was dirty from head to toe, but looked like his coat and boots were in good enough shape to last in the cold. He had a small ratty blanket.
He looked too young to be a runaway. I asked him, “Are you an orphan?”
He said “Yes”, then kind of waved his hand over his clothes, and said, “What gave me away?”
I paused for a second, feeling terrible about his situation, before responding, “Well, obviously, your parents”
.
Before I get a ton of hate for this joke,
1) I’m a long time contributor and participant in the sub. That means some hits and some misses.
2) Jokes can be about a terrible situation, yet still funny.
3) That little fucker pulled out a knife, stabbed me, and stole my wallet and my wife’s purse. Not because my comment was insensitive, but because I forgot to take extra wedges of lemon for the fried calamari. If I could only roll back time 10 minutes….
https://redd.it/1jcxfwu
@r_jokes
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.
The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says, "One moment please, I will get the Pharmacist." The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?" "I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the woman, "This is just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant". The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
https://redd.it/1jcolyw
@r_jokes
Studies have actually proven that people who swear more often tend to be more honest.
So fuck me in the ass, your honor, I did not kill that man!
https://redd.it/1jchpmy
@r_jokes
It was warm today, so my wife went with friends to play golf. She came back home in about 30 minutes, in extreme pain
I said “You look awful - what the hell happened?”
She said, “We just started playing, and then I got stung by a hornet between the first and second holes”
I replied, “Your stance is too wide”.
https://redd.it/1jc5isb
@r_jokes
The husband says casually to his wife, "I heard a rumor that the postman has slept with every last woman on our street except one."
The wife sniffs and says, "I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 6."
https://redd.it/1jc6au8
@r_jokes
The Gynecologist
After 40 years as a gynecologist Jack decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love –
car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John hoped he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.
Most of the students completed their exam in two hours.
John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam and spoke to his teacher after class.
“I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?”
The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. Then I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
https://redd.it/1jbxwaa
@r_jokes
I asked a guy if he could speak ASCII. He said "114 117 100 101"...
Well, that's just rude, isn't it?
https://redd.it/1jb8l0p
@r_jokes
Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own lingerie company for women?
Unfortunately, Shatner Panties turned out to be a terrible choice for a brand name.
https://redd.it/1jea5ob
@r_jokes
What's the difference between a casual gathering and a pirate orgy?
One you come as you are, the other you ARRRRR as you cum.
https://redd.it/1je3h2e
@r_jokes
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
https://redd.it/1jdrnbz
@r_jokes
I named my horse Mayo.
Sometimes, Mayo neighs.
https://redd.it/1jdn9cy
@r_jokes
What’s the difference between a rubber in the UK and the US?
In the UK, if you make a mistake, you can fix it with a rubber.
In the US, once you’ve made a mistake it’s already too late for the rubber.
^(Just thought of this, hope it’s original and hope it makes sense)
https://redd.it/1jdfg4i
@r_jokes
My friend was badly hurt while trying to feed an alligator. If you think you can help him out, please let me know.
He could really use a hand.
https://redd.it/1jdbdoy
@r_jokes
There are 500 bricks on a plane
You drop one outside. How many are left? Applicant: That’s easy, 499 Interviewer: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge? Applicant: Open the fridge.
Put the elephant in.
Close the fridge. Interviewer: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge? Applicant: Open the fridge.
Take the elephant out.
Put the deer in.
Close the fridge. Interviewer: It’s lion’s birthday, all the animals are there except one, why? Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge. Interviewer: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles? Applicant: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion’s birthday. Interviewer: Last question. In the end the old lady still died.
Why? Applicant: Err….I guess she drowned? Interviewer: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now.
https://redd.it/1jck9r7
@r_jokes
The first Jewish president is elected in the United States
He calls his mother in Florida and says "I can't wait to see you at the inauguration."
His mother replies "I don't know flying is such a pain these days."
The president replies "mom you'll be flying on Air Force One."
His mother replies "yeah but then I have to find a cab at the airport."
The president replies "mom you'll be arriving in the presidential limo."
His mother replies "yeah but what kind of hotel rooms are available on such a busy day?"
The president replies "mom you'll be staying in Lincoln's Bedroom."
The mother finally agrees and is sitting in the front row at the inauguration. As her son is being sworn in she turns to the vice president sitting next to her. "you see that man on the stage with his hand on the Bible?"
"Yes," the vp replies.
The mother says "his brother is a doctor."
https://redd.it/1jd21v1
@r_jokes
I was with this girl last night, and things were getting hot. She moaned, "Talk dirty to me!"
So I whispered, "I haven’t changed my bedsheets in three months."
She gasped. "More!"
I growled, "There’s still pizza crust under the bed from last week."
She shuddered. "Don’t stop!"
I leaned in close and whispered, "I use the same towel after every shower… and I don’t remember the last time I washed it."
She came.
To her senses.
And left.
https://redd.it/1jcsmrq
@r_jokes
My girlfriend dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your shit any more....
....you’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again.”
She was about to close the door when I yelled, **“No, no….waaait”**
She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.
That was when I uttered those three magic words, “Gary and I”
https://redd.it/1jck7my
@r_jokes
Everyone knows how fast Bruce Lee was, but no one talks about his brother who's even faster.
Sudden.
https://redd.it/1jcc49m
@r_jokes
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
https://redd.it/1jc9z9z
@r_jokes
A history teacher broke the record for worlds longest orgasm.
He said it was a long time coming, also...
He left a big mark in the history books.
https://redd.it/1jc2ari
@r_jokes
My friend warned me that telling blonde jokes during my trip to Scandinavia could be dangerous, and he was right. I was hospitalized for three days…
…due to severe laryngitis from having to explain them so many times.
https://redd.it/1jbuqio
@r_jokes
An english man and a jamaican look at each other in a public toilet and notice they have the same tattoo on their penis. The tattoo said "W J" :
Jamaican: What does the tattoo mean for you?
English man: When my penis is erect, it says the initials of my name, W. J. What about yours?
Jamaican: When my penis is erect, it says WELCOME TO JAMAICA.
https://redd.it/1jbhhk8
@r_jokes