1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up.
An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?
The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"
"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time."
The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
https://redd.it/1jhb6jp
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him
If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!
https://redd.it/1jh70nx
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.
https://redd.it/1jgy6ca
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I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
https://redd.it/1jgvrqs
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What do you call a sad porn movie?
A tearjerker.
https://redd.it/1jgosvm
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Customer: look, I bought this shirt yesterday and when I got it back home, I found this huge great rip in the back. I want my money back.
Shopkeeper: I'm afraid we don't give refunds sir.
Customer: But that sign says "MONEY REFUNDED IF NOT SATISFACTORY"
Shopkeeper: It certainly does sir, but there was nothing wrong with your money.
https://redd.it/1jgdpqp
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What do you call a 4 legged animal flying at 100 miles a hour?
A cow stuck in a tornado
https://redd.it/1jfwwel
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Flat tire
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder
of the road, got out,
opened the trunk, took out
two cardboard men, unfolded them
and stood them at the rear
of my car facing on-coming traffic.
They're dressed in open trench coats that expose their nudity to oncoming drivers. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it.
Traffic started slowing down to look at my lifelike men and of course traffic began backing up.
Everyone beeped their horns and waved like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
When he got out of his car and started walking toward me I could tell he wasn’t
a happy camper.
"What's going on here?"
he demanded.
"My car has a flat tire,"
I said.
“Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
he demanded.
I couldn't believe he didn't know, so I said,
“Helloooooo…those are my emergency flashers.”
https://redd.it/1jg3ws2
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I just read a book about milk!
I say read, I just skimmed through it!
https://redd.it/1jfmh6b
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A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two Hurricanes.
The bartender says, "That'll be $20.20 sir."
https://redd.it/1jfldlj
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I had sex with the girl from fitgirl repack
Guess what she said
"Do not panic if it looks stuck"
https://redd.it/1jfhiuv
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Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
"It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
https://redd.it/1jf3j78
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At a job interview I was asked to describe myself in one word
I said "laxative" because I make shit happen.
https://redd.it/1jewqwb
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I called my favorite phone sex operator yesterday, but she was on vacation.
Her voicemail said, “I’m sorry you can’t come to the phone right now.”
https://redd.it/1jeu5l9
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What do Police Hotlines and Glory Holes have in common?
Anonymous Tips
https://redd.it/1je492m
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Lee calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Lee, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later, Lee calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
https://redd.it/1jhb3jq
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I had to breakup with a girl who kept making fun out of me for being colourblind ..
It was a huge grey flag for me !
https://redd.it/1jh3clw
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Did you hear Tesla's third vehicle will be a three wheeled motorcycle?
They're going to call it The Third Trike
https://redd.it/1jgu6h8
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A boy goes to his father and asks, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
The father replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
https://redd.it/1jgiw4c
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A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage..
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
https://redd.it/1jghra5
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A naked man broke into a church.
The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
https://redd.it/1jgat1i
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Your mama is so fat...
That when she walked by the whale exhibit the whales started singing 'We Are Family'.
https://redd.it/1jfykxx
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Why Couldn't The Lifeguard Save The Hippie?
He was too far out, man!
https://redd.it/1jfyn3r
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My autistic friend is also a kleptomaniac.
So not only does he take things literally, he takes things, literally.
https://redd.it/1jfnzux
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What is it called when a Widower gets aroused thinking of their late spouse?
Mourning wood
https://redd.it/1jfkpbc
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Where do 80 years old rich men take their 20 years old brides on their honeymoon?
Viagra Falls.
https://redd.it/1jf1yr5
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Americans say they don’t want to use the metric system
But they have been using 9mm in schools all around the country
https://redd.it/1jf0uw7
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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."
https://redd.it/1jes82x
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Why doesn’t the guy who got arrested for secretly ejaculating into his boss’s coffee for four years show any signs of regret in his police photo?
Because he’s got plenty of experience with mug shots.
https://redd.it/1jersjj
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
https://redd.it/1je42ou
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