1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Last night, someone broke into my home and took a dozen eggs, but they left a saucepan filled with warm water…
Police believe it was Poachers.
https://redd.it/1jo709l
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I dated a girl whose kink was freezing my penis.
We eventually broke it off.
https://redd.it/1jo2lnq
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3 elderly men are in a nursing home talking about their bodily functions
The first man says “ I have so much trouble going number one. It comes out and spits and sputters and takes forever. I would give anything to have a good pee.”
The second man says “With me, it’s number two. I am so backed up. It’s horrible. I really need to take a good crap.”
The third man nods and says “Well for me, it’s all very regular. At 7AM every morning I do number one like a fountain. It comes out perfectly in flowing stream. And number two also happens at the same time, and my bowels empty completely, as smooth as flowing lava.”
The other two men look at each other, confused and ask “That doesn’t sound bad at all. What’s the problem?”
“The problem is,” says the third man, “Is that I don’t get out of bed until 9:30!”
https://redd.it/1jnty2i
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I had a Russian Uber driver earlier today
His name?
Pikup Andropov
https://redd.it/1jnklqy
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A married woman confides in her friend about her "dead bedroom"
"I just miss the passion and drive we used to have in our early twenties," the wife explained.
The friend thought for a moment and reached into her purse to pull out a bottle of pills. "My husband and I were in a similar slump a few months ago, but these really helped. Just crush it up and put it in his morning coffee and I promise it will spice things up."
The wife takes the pills eagerly and they finish their meetup before parting ways.
A few days later, they meet up again and the wife throws the pill bottle back at her friend.
"What happened? It didn't work?" The friend asked.
"Oh it worked alright," said the wife, fuming. "I crushed it up and put it in his coffee, just like you said. He barely even finished his cup before he pounced on me, threw me on the table, and made wild, passionate love to me like never before."
"Then I don't understand; why are you upset?"
"Because we can NEVER go back to that Starbucks again."
https://redd.it/1jne8v1
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A Sign above a bar says "Complete 3 tasks, win $1 Million"
A man walks up to the bartender and says "Million dollars? I'm in, what do I have to do?"
The bartender days "Task 1, there's a big guy at the end of the bar, he's loud and obnoxious and ruins everyone's enjoyment. I need you to go knock him out. Task 2, there is an alligator out back with an abscesses tooth. I need you to remove the tooth from that alligator. And finally, there's an 80-year-old woman upstairs that hasn't seen any...ehm...male companionship in many years. I need you to address that too. "
The man says "Pour me 3 shots of tequila and I'll get it done". The bartender obliged.
The man walks up to the big guy at the end of the bar, and without warning punches him square in the jaw. He falls backwards out of this stool, flayed out on the floor.
After that, the man walks out the back door to go deal with the alligator, and the door closes behind him. All the bar hears is smashing, grunting, screaming, crashing, all kinds of racket. But eventually, the noise dies down. The man walks back into the bar, bleeding, limping, and with clothes torm to pieces.
He goes to the bartender and says...
"Alright, where's the lady with the bad tooth?"
https://redd.it/1jnajm5
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A man takes his expensive fusion-powered car to a quantum mechanic.
"My car is broken, and I need it fixed ASAP."
**Quantum Mechanic:** No problem. That’ll be $500. Come back in an hour.
The man waits an hour and returns.
"Is my car fixed?"
**Quantum Mechanic:** Your car is both fixed and still broken.
Frustrated, the man says, **"This is the most advanced, most expensive, most important car in the world! Do you understand the gravity of this situation?"**
**Quantum Mechanic:** No
https://redd.it/1jn3u0x
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A Jewish father sends his son to Israel to deepen his connection to Judaism...
After a few months, the son returns and says, "Dad, I’ve become a Christian."
Shocked, the father confides in his friend, who listens and then sighs, "That’s strange… I sent my son to Israel last year, and he also came back a Christian!"
Baffled, they decide to visit their Rabbi for guidance. After hearing their stories, the Rabbi strokes his beard and says, "This is unbelievable… My son also went to Israel—and he too came back a Christian!"
Now completely bewildered, they agree there’s only one place left to turn. Together, they pray: "Oh God, what is happening? We send our sons to Israel to strengthen their Judaism, and they all return as Christians!"
A deep voice rumbles from the heavens:
"Tell me about it..."
https://redd.it/1jmxwgt
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A Jewish guy goes to a Rabbinical court, seeking to have his name legally changed
[translated from Yiddish]
The Rabbi frowns at him. "So it's a new name you want, is it? Why? What's wrong with the name your mother and father gave you? The name you had when you were given your *bris*? The name you had when you became a *bar mitzvah*? The name you had when you stood under the *chuppa* and married your wife? Why do you want to change this? What *is* your name, anyway?"
"Adolf Cumguzzler."
The Rabbi recoils in horror. "Oy! Such a name, such a terrible, terrible name! I don't blame you for wanting to change it. If I had that name, I'd want to change it myself. So what do you want to change it *to*?"
"*Franz* Cumguzzler."
(Told to me by my grandfather, a German Jew who fled Germany for the United States literally days before this would have become impossible.)
https://redd.it/1jmpzre
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Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked
https://redd.it/1jml3bj
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My wife died because I couldn't remember her blood type..
She was always strong, even in her last breath she was insisting "Be positive !!!! , Be positive !!!!! " but it's hard without her 😢
https://redd.it/1jiqf99
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My wife asked me: “What starts with F and ends in K.”
I said: “No it doesn’t.”
https://redd.it/1jiih5c
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Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door. Who do you let in?
The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
https://redd.it/1ji0rpj
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A guy died after inserting three light bulbs into his ass.
But on the bright side, at least we now know the answer to how many light bulbs it takes to screw a man.
https://redd.it/1jhsuy5
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80 year old man goes to his attorney, says he is marrying a 35 year old women.
The attorney beats around the bush a bit then asks his client about his health.
The client tells the attorney he's fine.
The attorney wants to make certain his client fully understands the risks. He says, sex can be exciting and stressful. It could precipitate a life-changing event, possibly even desth.
Are you prepared for this?
To which the 80 year old client resonds, yes, if she dies, she dies.
https://redd.it/1jhlwx8
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At dinner, my frustrated date said, “so napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!”
“No, no,” I corrected, “I said that I was into resting.”
https://redd.it/1jo5ih6
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3 year old Johnny asks his mom: "When I grow up will I have two willies like daddy?"
**Mom:** "Daddy doesn’t have two willies!"
**Johnny:** "Sure he does! He has the little soft one he uses to pee out of and the massive hard one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth with!"
https://redd.it/1jnz7jo
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What do you call a soldier with no legs?
Army..
https://redd.it/1jnplhi
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So a Japanese, English, and Australian man are captured by a group of cannibals
So a Japanese, English, and Australian man are captured by a group of cannibals when out in the jungle. The cannibals' leader says "We will make jackets from your skin, but we shall let you choose how you'll die." So the Japanese man asks for a katana, and stabs himself in the heart. The English man asks for a pistol, and puts it to his head. He says "God Save the King!" before pulling the trigger. The Australian man asks for a plastic fork. Confused, the cannibals give it to him. The Australian man starts stabbing at himself in all directions for nearly 5 whole minutes. Before bleeding out, he says "Fuck your stupid jackets!"
https://redd.it/1jnffbp
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
https://redd.it/1jnc2dy
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The first day at my old job i had to deliver this pizza, but the lady i was delivering to didnt have any money so i left with the pizza.
They never called me back from the porn studio
https://redd.it/1jmwhjf
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I asked my date if she wanted to hear a joke about my penis.
She said, "Sure."
I said, "Never mind, it's too long."
https://redd.it/1jn0mi2
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My wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web developer.
https://redd.it/1jmu2p3
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An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....
“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”
“Grew up in Wexford.”
“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”
“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”
“I went to St Peters Secondary”
“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”
“1979”
“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”
Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”
To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”
https://redd.it/1jmmia9
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What do you call it when a man wakes up flaccid?
Morning woodn’t.
https://redd.it/1jiyvkp
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Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Me: "Why?"
Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
https://redd.it/1jioyi2
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Shopping as a single man
I was shopping yesterday and picked up a half loaf of bread, a small packet of sliced ham, a couple apples, some hand lotion, some tissues and a 2 liter of soft drink.
As I was paying for them, the checkout girl looked at what I was buying and then looked at me.
"You must be single. Aren't you?"
I was a bit surprised at the statement and question but I answered "Yes I am. What was it that told you I am single? Was it the hand lotion or the tissues or the small amount of food?"
"No" she replied, "You are just fucking ugly."
https://redd.it/1jifzvh
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I was at the gym and wanted to get a protein shake to help with my workout.
The guy behind the counter was ripped and told me that he could make me a special protein shake that was guaranteed to get me gains.
As he started to make it, I noticed that he was grabbing the bottom-shelf protein, which was cheaper and of dubious quality. I objected, saying money was no issue, and I’d prefer the top shelf premium protein.
He chuckled and said, “If you want those gains, you gotta listen to me. It’s my whey or the high whey.”
https://redd.it/1jhoqqd
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Two guys named Lou decided to rob a jewelry store
Because they shared the same name they went by their last initials Lou A. and Lou C. Their plan was simple: they would take all the diamonds they could, them Lou A would drive away to get the cops attention while Lou C would sneak out the back and catch a plane at the airport.
So while Lou A was on the ground distracting the cops, Lou C was in the sky with diamonds.
https://redd.it/1jhker9
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What rock group has four men that don't sing ?
Mount Rushmore
https://redd.it/1jhbunr
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