1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
What a 19 years old virgin and a 50 years old divorced dad have in common
Their age range on dating apps.
https://redd.it/1jtqhlm
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A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.
He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"
"Hmm," replied the lady, "This is a tough one. I'll have to confer with my sister." After talking to her sister she came back and said, "Well, the best we can do is a furnished apartment, $500 a week and half ownership of the pharmacy."
https://redd.it/1jtsdja
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The stock market is getting crushed.
My calculations today indicate I can retire 10 years after I die.
https://redd.it/1jtn6wm
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Two Canadians Die and Go to Hell
Two Canadians die in a tragic moose accident and wake up in Hell. Satan, curious to see their suffering, pays them a visit. But instead of agony, he finds them sipping Tim Hortons coffee and chatting cheerfully.
"Why are you so... *comfortable*?" Satan growls.
They smile and say, "Honestly? After living through Canadian winters, this place feels like a tropical vacation."
Annoyed, Satan storms off to the furnace room and cranks the heat up to unbearable levels. Flames roar, molten lava bubbles, people scream.
He returns, expecting to see the Canadians begging for mercy—only to find them sunbathing in lawn chairs, wearing sunglasses and grilling hot dogs.
"This is perfect weather for a cookout!" one shouts.
Fuming, Satan storms back to the controls and does the unthinkable: he freezes Hell solid. Icicles hang from the ceiling, demons are shivering, and the screams are now just chattering teeth.
Confident he’s finally broken them, he stomps back to their room... but finds the Canadians high-fiving and cheering.
"WHAT NOW?!" Satan howls.
They look at him, eyes wide with joy:
"*Hell froze over!* That means the Leafs finally won the Stanley Cup!"
https://redd.it/1jtih8p
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My 401k has been converted to a 404k
Retirement not found
https://redd.it/1jt8lss
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A wealthy man tells another guy:
"I’ll give you $50K, but your worst enemy gets double that."
The guy smiles and says,
"Cool. I’ve always wanted $150K."
https://redd.it/1jt3fjf
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A man asked his wife if she would get remarried.
“If I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?” he asked
“Well, I am still young and I don’t want to live alone, so I probably would.” she replied softly
“Would you stay in this house?” he asked
“I guess I would, since it’s nice and I really like it!” she replied.
“Would you let him drive my truck?” he asked
“It’s useful where we live and I get a kick out of driving it myself,” she replied with a laugh
“But would you let him use my golf clubs” he asked
“No, he’s left handed”
https://redd.it/1jswplu
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2 married ladies went out for a girls night out...
As they were walking home through the dark they cut through a grave yard for a quick pee. The first lady peed and decided to wipe her self with her own cheap knickers that she was wearing and then threw the cheap knickers away. The second lady then peed behind a grave stone but she was wearing her very expensive kinky knickers and wanted to keep them. So she felt around the grave stone to see if she can find anything to wipe herself with... She came across a silky red ribbon and decided to wipe herself with it. Both ladies were feeling refreshed and made their way home...
The next day, their two husbands called each other up. The first husband said: "these girly night out need to stop! My wife came home with no knickers"
The second husband replied: "that's nothing! My wife came home with writing on her upper thighs that said: THANK YOU FROM THE WHOLE FIRE BRIGADE"
https://redd.it/1jsrld2
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What’s the difference between a yoga instructor, cinnamon ‘n sugar, and a friendly cross-eyed boy from West Virginia?
One’s good in bed, one’s good in bread, and one’s a good inbred.
https://redd.it/1js1yl3
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If you attend a 100 meter dash and you see/hear a starter pistol go off...
...you've technically witnessed a race related shooting
https://redd.it/1js4vb6
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
https://redd.it/1js5n5l
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I heard a lot of Americans stopped making out.
With all the new tariffs they can no longer afford French kissing.
https://redd.it/1jrvros
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" It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up" "
" That's not how a Sobriety test works "
https://redd.it/1jrow6h
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You know what prostitutes say after sex?
It was a business doing pleasure with you.
https://redd.it/1jrhxzh
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"Why do female stand-up comics do so many jokes about vaginas?
**Because it’s their tightest material.**
https://redd.it/1jr98cp
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77% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 33% of intelligent people
https://redd.it/1jtxvr0
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A physicist I dated asked for my body count...
"Three," I replied honestly.
Apparently that was a problem.
https://redd.it/1jtrtei
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Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.
I mean, enlarging and an existing drill hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting!
https://redd.it/1jtd8xt
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If 2 people can make a baby in 9 months...
... then 558 people should be able to make a baby in 1 day.
https://redd.it/1jt3ty4
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room
The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
https://redd.it/1jt4ug3
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I pay a guy $30 to each week to clean up the poop in my backyard. He just quit without giving me any notice.
Pretty sure he found out I don't have any pets.
https://redd.it/1jt1qyn
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My Gay prostitute friend came up to me and said, "I made 450 dollar and 5 cents yesterday"
I say "That's a good money for a Gay prostitute, great money actually, but who the hell gave you 5 cents"
He goes, "Every single one of them"
https://redd.it/1jstrfo
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How do you keep an Amish woman happy?
Give her 2 Mennonite
https://redd.it/1jsdw9v
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Grandpa says to his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."
"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back three days later with a broken arm and covered in bruises.
The grandfather asks "What the hell happened to you?"
The grandson says "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge with my friends; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender - but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"
The grandfather asks "Well who the hell did you go with boy?"
The grandson says "My friends from school, who did you go with?"
The grandfather says "Well... the 2nd SS Panzer Division"
https://redd.it/1jsjkl9
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How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They just sit in the dark blaming the bulb for not screwing them.
https://redd.it/1js9j0w
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Split up with my girlfriend today because she couldn't bring me to orgasm.
She never saw it coming.
https://redd.it/1jrxs2n
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I saw two blind guys fighting.
You should have seen the look on their faces when I said, "My money's on the one with the knife."
https://redd.it/1jro2nh
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Save the business cards of people you don't like.
If you accidentally hit a parked car, just write "Sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.
https://redd.it/1jrnn1f
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Young couple's first date
The young college students on their first date drove to a country festival. As they were returning the guy stopped the car, turned to his date, and after making some subtle advances, suggested that they get naked and spend some time together in the back seat.
“OK,” said the girl, “but I have to let you know that I’m actually a prostitute, and this will cost you $150.”
He hesitated but reluctantly agreed, gave her the money, and they made love.
After they had finished and had put their clothes back on, the guy just sat motionless in the drivers’ seat.
“Aren’t we leaving?” the girl asked.
“Well,” said the guy, “Not quite yet. I’m actually a cab driver and the fare to and from the festival is $150.”
https://redd.it/1jradk0
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After a night of drinking two men decided to stop at the local brothel on the way home...
After giving them a look over the madam pulls the girls aside and says "Put them each in a room with a blow up doll, they're that drunk they won't notice."
After they were done and walking back home one of the men turns to the other and says "I think mine was dead"
"Dead?" the second replied.
"Yeah, she was cold and didn't move or make a sound"
The second man then goes "Well I think mine was a witch"
"What? Why?" The first man replied
"Yeah a witch. When i bit her ass she farted in my face and flew out the window."
https://redd.it/1jr93o8
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