1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A father and daughter are riding through the desert on a camel, carrying jewels.
Suddenly they see robbers coming towards them. The father is afraid that
they will take the jewels and the camel, but the daughter says to him:
Daughter:
-Daddy, let me hide the jewels where only a
woman can hide them.
So she hid the jewels, and the robbers took the camel and left.
The father is walking on with a sad face, and the daughter asks him:
Daughter:
-Daddy, why are you so sad? We saved the jewels, didn't we?
Father:
-Oh, my dear daughter, if your mother were here, we would have saved the camel too.
https://redd.it/1jwzci4
@r_jokes
I made my wife’s dreams come true and we got married in a castle.
But you wouldn’t have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.
https://redd.it/1jwrm4o
@r_jokes
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
https://redd.it/1jweaoh
@r_jokes
3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.
The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired.
The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was a bit reluctant to do it because she was on her period and she felt embarrassed to show the other nurses. Eventually she gives into her desires and has sex with him and all of a sudden the man wakes up.
The nurses are baffled and wonders what happened until the man says, " thanks ladies after 2 jump starts and a blood transfusion i feel fucking amazing."
https://redd.it/1jw4k7w
@r_jokes
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating, so I broke up with her.
She was starting to sound just like my wife.
https://redd.it/1jw4c5x
@r_jokes
I asked my wife why she married me. She said "Because you're so funny & make me laugh so much"
I told her I thought it was because I was so good-looking and charming. She replied, "See? you're hilarious"
https://redd.it/1jw25yc
@r_jokes
Rope
A Chinese peasant, some centuries ago, happened upon a man he knew who was wearing a *cangue* \-- a large wooden collar put on criminals which, among other things, meant they could not bring their hands to their faces and so were dependent on the mercy of strangers to allow them to eat and drink until their sentence was over.
"Li!" he exclaimed. "Why have the judges put a *cangue* upon you?"
"Oh," said Li, "because I picked up a piece of old rope in the street and walked off with it."
"But surely they have not put you in the *cangue* simply for taking away an old piece of rope?" the peasant asked.
"As to that," Li admitted, "it happened that there was an ox on the other end of the rope."
https://redd.it/1jvrcjq
@r_jokes
What are the last words of a true communist before committing suicide?
"Don't shoot, comrades!"
https://redd.it/1jvmcp6
@r_jokes
Reese Witherspoon’s sister has a daughter in college. She wrote a paper about how poop can be used as a fuel source.
It was Reese’s niece’s thesis on feces.
https://redd.it/1jv7uz4
@r_jokes
Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.
One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!"
https://redd.it/1jvanue
@r_jokes
What’s the difference between bonus and penis?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
https://redd.it/1jv0dyg
@r_jokes
Hookers don’t fart
They let out little prosti-toots
https://redd.it/1juv7ww
@r_jokes
My wife says I can act like a selfish asshole sometimes.
Before we were married she wouldn’t give me the permission…
https://redd.it/1juf9iw
@r_jokes
⚠️ sex joke
"During a heated discussion, I wanted my wife to sit on my face so that i could see where she was coming from !"
(I hope that this passes muster because i overheard someone telling that and I thought, "that's gold !" [slightly modified]")
https://redd.it/1judejg
@r_jokes
She's lying on her back on the examination couch, her blouse undone and looks up into his eyes and says, "Kiss me doctor," "No I can't, " replied the doctor.
"Oh go on, kiss me, kiss me," she insists,
"No it's out of the question," said the doctor,
"Why's that?" She asks disappointedly. It's completely against ethical rules," he replies, "in fact strictly speaking I shouldn't even be having sex with you."
https://redd.it/1jua0al
@r_jokes
Chicken surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'
https://redd.it/1jwsktt
@r_jokes
What Should You Do if Your Partner Starts Smoking?
Slow down and use more lube
https://redd.it/1jwpeb5
@r_jokes
Decisions, decisions Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis.
. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....
https://redd.it/1jwfii5
@r_jokes
I once did something that pissed off my wife and she said “If you do that again you won’t see me for three days”
Sure enough, I did it again and I didn’t see her for three days.
On the fourth day my left eye started to open up just enough where I could make her out.
https://redd.it/1jwdoa3
@r_jokes
Instead of going to college for four years and leaving with 150k worth of debt, you could get 75k tickets for the mega millions.
You'd still be in debt but at least you saved four years.
https://redd.it/1jw36ui
@r_jokes
An army general is newly stationed in a desert post. On his first day, he calls for a soldier to show him around. While doing this, he notices a camel randomly tied to a tent..
He asks the soldier, "Soldier, why is that camel tied to the tent?"
The soldier looks awkward and answers:
"Er, well Sir, as you know there are no women on the base so er, the camel is there for when the men get certain.... um...urges"
The general nods in understanding and says, "Well I don't condone this behaviour, but I suppose I understand"
A few weeks into the post, the general starts feelings these urges himself.
He calls for the soldier to bring the camel to his tent. He then goes outside, gets a stool, and has wild animal sex with the camel.
After he's finished, he climbs confidently off of the stool and sees the soldier staring at him, wide-eyed.
"So" the general says with a grin, "Is that how you boys do it here?"
The soldier answers, still wide-eyed, "No Sir, we usually just ride the camel into the nearby town where the women are"
https://redd.it/1jvwx8b
@r_jokes
What do you call a prostitutes children?
Brothel sprouts
https://redd.it/1jvm66v
@r_jokes
I got embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set on my own. In a panic I threw a quilt over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
https://redd.it/1jv8bsp
@r_jokes
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
https://redd.it/1jvbi2z
@r_jokes
I asked my German friend if he knew what √81 was.
He apparently did not.
https://redd.it/1juxe3s
@r_jokes
The waiter asked if I’d like to see a wine list.
I replied, "You bet Shiraz I would!"
https://redd.it/1juo4si
@r_jokes
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off the walls?
Rick O'Shea
https://redd.it/1juqmh5
@r_jokes
What's the difference between a 4 year-old boy and 1 kg of cocaine?
Eric Clapton would never let 1 kg of cocaine fall out of a window!
https://redd.it/1jugdjh
@r_jokes
Quickie?
I picked up a girl at the bar the other day. She took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit, it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .
Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
https://redd.it/1jubycl
@r_jokes
I asked my dog what's two minus two
He said nothing.
Which, honestly, is the correct answer and kind of impressive.
https://redd.it/1jtzieu
@r_jokes