1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I needed a password eight characters long (OC).
Apparently MyPenis is not long enough but HisPenis is.
https://redd.it/1k007no
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This kid was born without eyelids…
The doctor said, “I also do circumcision. I think I can use the foreskin to make eyelids!”
The surgery is a success. They bring the baby in and the dad holds him up to take a look. He says, “It looks good, just a little cockeyed”
https://redd.it/1jzepys
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Granddad's still got it...
An elderly couple were spending the weekend with their adult grandchildren, staying overnight on Saturday before heading home Sunday evening.
When the grandfather found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's bathroom cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said to him, "I don't think you should take one. They're quite strong and very expensive."
"How much?" his grandfather asked him.
"$10 a pill," his grandson replied.
"I don't mind the cost, but I'd still like to try one, and before we leave, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow.
He called his grandfather and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."
"Yeah I know, the $100 is from your grandma!"
https://redd.it/1jzl9r9
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9/11 jokes are NOT funny
Cause they never land
https://redd.it/1jzcwwh
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Statistics show that 9 out of 10 men
are shocked to learn that they should not do their own electrical work.
https://redd.it/1jyw8c2
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My wife filed for divorce today, said I am too Un-American for her.
Tbh, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
https://redd.it/1jyy6bc
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My coworker was telling about how he had an ex who cheated on him because he wouldn’t let her peg him
So I said “oh wow, I guess peggers CAN be choosers”
True story
https://redd.it/1jyi9zq
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One time I farted so long that I was surprised my butt didn't have to stop and catch its breath.
Interviewer: "...and a weakness?"
https://redd.it/1jyik8y
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Pete the policeman had a last minute daycare cancellation and had to take his toddler to work with him.
He left the lad with the desk sergeant along with some diapers, snacks, and instructions for an afternoon nap.
When he got back from his shift his son was nowhere to be seen. He asked the sergeant where his boy was and was told he was in the jail because he wouldn't take his nap.
"Why would you put a little boy in jail for that!?" he asked.
The sergeant said, "Standard procedure: He was resisting a rest."
https://redd.it/1jy72bn
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Why do Italian men wear gold chains?
So they know where to stop shaving.
https://redd.it/1jxvok3
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What do you call a musician that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless
https://redd.it/1jxtdjw
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Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that." The other guy replies,
"I’d pet him first."
https://redd.it/1jxtlou
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Why do female skydiver’s wear a jock strap?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.
https://redd.it/1jxfxxh
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Every day, a man goes to a newspaper kiosk, buys a paper, glances at the front page, frowns, and walks away.
After weeks of this, the kiosk owner finally asks:
"Why do you only look at the front page and never read the rest?"
The man replies:
"I'm looking for an obituary."
Confused, the owner says:
"But obituaries are in the back pages, in small print."
The man calmly responds:
"The one I’m waiting for will be on the front page."
https://redd.it/1jx01mg
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My wife told me to put 3 inches of peanut oil in a pan. After I put an inch and a half in, she said "That's enough."
I told her she should know what 3 inches looks like by now.
https://redd.it/1jx81x6
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Did you hear about the mosquito that can make you trans gendered?
One bit me and now I'm it/she.
https://redd.it/1jzpufv
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I'm a fruit seller, and this woman who goes by the name "Ana" comes daily and eats many fruits for free...
I think I need to banana.
https://redd.it/1jzktzh
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Religion is like having a penis
It's cool, until you whip it out and start shoving it other people's faces.
https://redd.it/1jzj9jl
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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery..
# Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery
Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.
The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.
The second girl squats down near a gravestone and starts to pee. She also realizes she has nothing to wipe with. She saw her friend use her panties but she thinks to herself, "I'm not using my panties, these are expensive! Victoria's Secret is nothing to throw away." So, she grabs a ribbon off the nearby grave and whipes herself.
The next morning the husbands of the girls call each other. The first girls husband says, "Man my wife came home with no panties on and can't remember anything. I'm divorcing her." The second husband says, "That's nothing man, my wife came home with a ribbon stuck to her ass saying \[We will never forget you!\] signed by Juan, Carlos, Pepe, Jeremy, and the whole National Guard!"
https://redd.it/1jza6ln
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign: "Free Beer for Life if You Can Complete 3 Challenges" He asks the bartender about it.
Bartender: "First, you have to drink a gallon of pepper tequila without making a face. Second, there's an angry pitbull in the back with a sore tooth - you need to pull it. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm."
The guy says, "Let me start with the tequila." He drinks it all without flinching.
"Amazing!" says the bartender. "Now the pitbull."
The guy goes to the back. There's barking, fighting, and chaos. After 20 minutes, he comes out disheveled but successful.
"Now for the woman upstairs," he slurs.
"Where's the old lady with the sore tooth?"
https://redd.it/1jyzeo4
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Her bags are packed.
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going. She replied: “I’m going to Las Vegas”.
He questioned her as to why.
“I just found out that I can make $500 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch.
“And just where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going with you!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $1,000 a year!”
https://redd.it/1jyu2v6
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Don't forget to bring a towel.....
So late one night a priest was showering and noticed there was no soap left so he ran to get a couple bars of soap when he heard 3 nuns walking toward him so he froze holding the two bars of soap. The first nun says I never noticed this statue before and reached out and tugged his junk and he was so surprised he dropped a bar of soap. The 2nd nun said ohh it's a soap dispenser so the 2nd nun tugged his junk he dropped the other bar. The 3rd nun tugged once nothing happens so she tugs it again nothing, so she tries a few more times then says oh wow it dispenses liquid soap as well.
https://redd.it/1jygt09
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What are the two most important holes in a womans body?
No, you fucking pervert. Its her nostrils... how else could sh breathe while giving you a blow job
https://redd.it/1jyewsd
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A husband with six children...
Begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, she has grown tired of this.
“Mother of six,” he would say, “what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!” She gets very frustrated.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, “Mother of six, I think it’s time to go!” The wife immediately shouts back, “I’ll be right with you, father of four!”
https://redd.it/1jy6g5r
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What do you call a group of retired sex workers?
A whored
https://redd.it/1jxu82o
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I spent $300 on a limo and just found out the fee doesn't include a driver.
I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
https://redd.it/1jxugnw
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A wife, before traveling, asked her husband to take care of the cat.
A wife, before traveling, asked her husband to take care of the cat.
After a week, she called him to say hello and asked about the cat.
He said to her: “Honestly, the cat died.”
She started screaming and crying and said, “Shame on you… why did you tell me the news all at once? You know I can't handle it. You should’ve told me she was playing on the roof today, then tomorrow tell me she fell off the roof, then the next day say she died... Anyway… how’s my dad?"
He said: “Your dad is playing on the roof.”
https://redd.it/1jxjonf
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Urine test
A guy goes to the doctor with a complaint of arm pain.
The doctor says, "Great! I have this new machine that can tell with 99% accuracy what is wrong using just a urine sample. "
The guy is skeptical but gives the sample anyway. The doctor squirts a few drops into the machine and a few seconds later, a small slip of paper comes out.
"You have tennis elbow," says the doctor. The man rants, "How the hell can a machine tell you that based on urine alone? I want a second opinion."
"I'll tell you what," says the doctor. "Go home and eat normally for a few days and lay off alcohol. We'll run the specimen again. "
"I'll show him," said the man. On the day of his return appointment, he gets his wife to pee in a bucket. Then he gets his mother, son, and daughter to do the same. He goes outside and puts the bucket under his dog while she's peeing. While he's out there, his neighbor asks what he's doing. The guy convinces his neighbor to add his urine to the bucket as well. Before leaving for the doctor's office, the man also jerks off into the bucket and then mixes everything up and puts it all into a zip lock baggie.
At the doctor's office, the man fills the cup with the contents of the baggie and gives it to the doctor. When the doctor puts the sample into the machine this time, it takes a few minutes before the machine spits out a much longer piece of paper.
"Well, sir, " says the doctor, "It says here that your mom has osteoporosis, your wife has chlamydia, which she apparently got from your neighbor, your daughter is pregnant, your son is on cocaine, your dog has worms, and if you don't stop jerking off so much... you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow."
https://redd.it/1jxgo3y
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A tourist rents a room in a small village hotel and asks the owner
"Is there something I could eat?"
"Yes, the hotel restaurant is open till 9:00."
"Can you also arrange sex worker services?"
"Yes, of course, brenda is available for $50."
"How about male sex worker?"
"We can offer that too. Brian is available for $500."
"Why is Brian 10 times the price of Brenda?"
"Well, I am not particularly fond of such practices, so I take $100 for myself. The village preist, obviously, isn't fond of such practices, so he gets $100, and village mayor is a conservative and as such isn't particularly fond of them, so he gets $100."
"Does that mean Brian gets $200?"
"Nah, those $200 goes to John and Steve that will hold Brian down, because, you see, Brian also is not particularly fond of such practises."
https://redd.it/1jxa34a
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A blonde gets pulled over by a cop…
A blonde gets pulled over by a cop and he asks to see her driver’s license. The blonde says “What’s that?” The cop replies “Well, it’s a little plastic thing with your face on it.” The blonde goes through her handbag, pulls out a makeup mirror and gives it to the cop. He stares at it for a few seconds and says “Why didn’t you tell me you were a police officer?”
https://redd.it/1jx3j1x
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