1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A man walks onto the campus of Yale University. He walks up to a student and asks "Where's the bathroom at?"
The student responds haughtily, "Here at Yale, we're taught not to end a sentence with a preposition."
The man realizing his terrible unforgivable mistake corrects himself, "Where's the bathroom at asshole?"
https://redd.it/1k2vani
@r_jokes
A holocaust survivor dies of old age and goes to heaven. When he gets there he meets God and tells him a holocaust joke. God says, “That’s not funny”. The survivor says...
I guess you had to be there
https://redd.it/1k2lvob
@r_jokes
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...... fifty times."
https://redd.it/1k2h12o
@r_jokes
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breasts." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"
https://redd.it/1k2au6i
@r_jokes
Here's a joke about foreskin.
[removed]
https://redd.it/1k21kk2
@r_jokes
What's blue and fucks old people?
Hypothermia.
https://redd.it/1k1qisb
@r_jokes
I once dated a woman with the same name as my mom.
I wasn't allowed to say her name during sex because it reminded her of my girlfriend.
https://redd.it/1k1qimw
@r_jokes
An elderly woman on a walker enters a sex shop...
She heads over to the guy at the register and says, "D...d....dddddoo you sell any d...ddd...dildos?"
He says, "Uh, yes ma'am we do."
She replies, "D.dd..dd.do you have any dd.ddd.ddd..dd dildos that are p...ppp....pp..pink and t..t..tte. ten inches long?"
"Uh, yes ma'am we do."
"Well h...hhhh.how in the ffff...f.fff..fuck do you t.tttt.turn it off?"
https://redd.it/1k1kq0m
@r_jokes
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping
sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I looked in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
https://redd.it/1k1c8zo
@r_jokes
I realized that Mike Tyson isn't religious.
He's always punching people in the faith.
https://redd.it/1k0z9rd
@r_jokes
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d ever been with. She said,
"Yes, all the others were 9s and 10s.”
https://redd.it/1k0z2rn
@r_jokes
F@#$%^g Spark
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. Instead of drinking it he gargles his mouth and spits
"ghurrrghguuggrrhh, ptu... Fucking Spark".
He orders another and again he does the same thing
"ghurrrghghurrggghguuggrrhh, ptu... Fucking Spark".
The barman sets the third shot beofore him, but this time he asks him, what happened
"So, I was driving my truck with two trailers attached, when some idiot in front of me starts overtaking. I swerved, but my left wheels got stuck in the ditch. No way to get out. I was just going to call for help when a guy in a Chevy Spark stops by and says 'Man, don't worry, I will pull you out'. I was like 'Haha, if you pull me out with that matchbox, I will give you a blowjob'
"glglglghgghhhhhglllgurrr, ptu... Fucking Spark".
https://redd.it/1k0leyt
@r_jokes
A drunk guy came for an interview at a beer company
The company boss immediately disliked the guy. But since he was there, he had to conduct the interview. The boss asked his secretary to bring some beer. The drunk guy smelled it and immediately told all the ingredients! The boss winked at the secretary to bring something else…The secretary peed in a glass and brought that to the drink guy. After taking a smell the drunk guy said,
‘26F, and 3 month pregnant ! Now if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell your wife who the real dad is’
https://redd.it/1k0i1gw
@r_jokes
Two neighbors, both elderly gentlemen, are having coffee one morning.
"You should put up heavier curtains in your bedroom," one man says. "I could see you making love to your wife last night."
"That shows how good your eyesight is," says the other with a laugh. "I wasn't even home last night!"
https://redd.it/1k07wnr
@r_jokes
What’s the difference between a slice of pizza and a hippie chick?
With the pizza, you can eat the crust.
https://redd.it/1k0078u
@r_jokes
An Admiral was visiting one of his ships
An Admiral was visiting one of his ships.
When having tea he noticed every biscuit had the ship’s insignia embossed on it.
He was impressed and called in the cook to ask him how he did this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic.
Cook: In that case, sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.
https://redd.it/1k2s4nn
@r_jokes
I went to McDonald's today. I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?"
He told me to "Fuck off" and walked out of the men's toilets.
https://redd.it/1k2cqge
@r_jokes
A blind woman I slept with told me I had the biggest penis she’d ever seen.
Turned out she was just pulling my leg
https://redd.it/1k2gn0x
@r_jokes
So a doctor and a lawyer are having lunch at a local diner.
A woman interrupts their conversation to ask the doctor some sort of medical advice. The doctor tells her what he can then sends her on her way, then turns back to the lawyer.
“Man, I get so tired of people bugging me for medical advice,” the doctor says. “I never see people do the same with you for legal advice, how do you keep them away?”
The lawyer says, “Every time someone asks me for any advice, I just send them a bill. Keeps people away like a charm.”
“That’s super smart!” the doctor says. “I’m gonna do that!”
The next day, the doctor makes up his bills for all the people who asked him for medical advice, and he takes them out to his mailbox. He opens it up, and he finds a bill from the lawyer.
https://redd.it/1k2421e
@r_jokes
A husband and wife had a fight. Wife called her mom: "He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you."
Mom: "No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!"
https://redd.it/1k20ooc
@r_jokes
Bob & John love playing baseball, Bob is a catcher & John is a pitcher…
…one day they have the following conversation:
Bob says, “I was just wondering if there is baseball in Heaven.”
John replies, “I sure hope they do because it would be hell not being able to play it for all eternity!”
“I know right! Tell you what, if one of us dies before the other, then we need to somehow let the other one know if there is.”
“Sounds like a plan!”
Bob dies a few years later in a car crash & a couple of days after that John has a dream where Bob visits him and tells him,
“I have good news & bad news. The good news is that they DO play baseball in Heaven and, man, they have some of the best games! All the legends play, Ruth, Robinson, Gehrig, everybody in the Hall of Fame plays but your skill level doesn’t matter because who cares if we win or lose, we’re just playing a game that we love!”
John says, “That sounds awesome! But what’s the bad news?”
“You’re scheduled to pitch next week.”
https://redd.it/1k1tpid
@r_jokes
How many sperm cells are in cum shot?
A JIZZillion!
https://redd.it/1k1eldn
@r_jokes
A guy walks into a hotel and asks, “Are your porn channels disabled?”
…and the clerk said, “No, it’s mostly just the regular porn stars..”
https://redd.it/1k1e2fm
@r_jokes
At my last job interview, I was asked what my greatest weakness was, and I said "honesty."
The interviewer said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
I replied, "I don't give a fuck what you think!"
https://redd.it/1k19oqa
@r_jokes
Horse sense
A man was driving along a narrow, dark and winding road when his car stuttered, shuddered and hiccuped, so he brought it to a halt.
Not knowing much about engines, he opened the bonnet and looked at it helplessly, praying for inspiration or a good Samaritan.
Suddenly, out of the gloom, a voice said, "Check the spark plugs." He looked around, but all he could see was a white horse.
A little panicking, he still looked at the engine but did nothing. He heard it again, "Check the spark plugs."
This time, with thundering heart, he did look at the spark plugs and noticed that a couple of the connectors appeared to have worked loose.
He quickly pressed them back in, restarted the car, and gratified to hear the engine purr, he hightailed it out of there.
A mile or so later, he saw a building with a sign that said it was a pub. He pulled up, went in and asked for a double brandy which he gulped down.
The barman asked why he was so upset, and the man recounted his saga. When he mentioned the voice and only a horse in sight, the barman asked, "Was it a white horse?"
"Why, yes, yes, it was. What do you know about it?"
The barman replied,"You're very lucky. There is a black horse in the same field, knows nothing about cars."
https://redd.it/1k0x40f
@r_jokes
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart.
It's not his fault her tits block the view.
https://redd.it/1k0t8hp
@r_jokes
There's a new stamp commemorating the history of prostitution. It costs 75 cents
But it's a dollar if you want to lick it
https://redd.it/1k0nc7a
@r_jokes
Guilty pleasure...
A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildo" and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there.
A week after her husband left, she decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildo, vagina." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied her. She was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theatre, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.
One day on her way to work she hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. She was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildo, vagina." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out the driver of that car was a cop.
The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.
"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!"
She tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the woman what she was on. She told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and it's causing me to lose control!"
The officer, not buying it, simply replied, "Magic dildo, my ass."
https://redd.it/1k0fk6b
@r_jokes
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”
“Are you nuts?!” she replies, and keeps walking. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.
“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”
https://redd.it/1k09z4m
@r_jokes
A man goes to his barber, and while getting his haircut they have a conversation.
The barber asks, "Got any vacation plans"? The customer replies, "The wife and I are going to Italy." "Ahh bullshit," the barber barks. "Italy is overrated, why do you want to go anyway? I went and it's terrible. The food is awful, the Romanesque architecture is old and dirty, the people are rude and aloof, the weather is hot and rainy, and when I tried to see the pope I could barely make out the top of his head through the millions of people in St Peter's Square." The customer is surprised by the barber's visceral reaction, and sheepishly states that he already bought the tickets so he has to go.
A couple of months later, and the customer is back in the barber's chair. "Aren't you the guy who went to that crappy country Italy?" "Yeah, we went and had a great time. The food was better than I imagined, the Romanesque architecture was breathtaking and awe-inspiring, the people were polite and friendly, the weather was beautiful and sunny, and when we went to see the Pope I could barely make out the top of his head through the millions of people in St Peter's Sq. Gradually, the sea of people parted as if by magic and I could see the pope walking toward me with his gold scepter. When he got close enough to me to be heard I dropped to one knee and he said, "Who gave you that awful haircut."
https://redd.it/1k01gos
@r_jokes