1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
What do Scarlet Witch & Daredevil both have in common?
They both wear red & lost their Vision.
https://redd.it/1k5pscs
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A man enters a confession booth
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Go on, my child, you may confess." replies the priest
"Everyday for the last 6 days, I have been sleeping with women who are not my wife."
"I see, and this brings you guilt?"
"No-- I mean yes father, they are very hot."
"And you find them more attractive than your wife?"
"Of course not, my wife is also smoking hot; but I digress, Father, how may I be forgiven?"
"Hmm... Squeeze 10 lemons or limes and drink the juice."
"Right away, Father, and will that absolve my sins?"
"No, but it will hopefully wipe that stupid grin off your face!"
https://redd.it/1k5kteo
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' the mother exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?!' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
He replied............'Watching the game with my son-in-law.
https://redd.it/1k5cmxe
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A blonde is on vacation...
She walks into an Internet café to send an e-mail to her mom back home.
She doesn’t know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: “Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mom?”
"Sure," he says to her, “But it will cost you.”
The blonde says, “Sure I’ll do anything for my mom.”
“In that case, follow me.”
She follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers.
“Well go on then, you said you’d do anything!”
So she grabs his penis, holds it up to her mouth and says: “Hello… mom are you there?”
https://redd.it/1k53qvt
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A man walked into a library and asked for a book on autofellatio.
The librarian tells him, "We actually do have a book on the subject. It's the one over there, with the broken spine."
https://redd.it/1k4xxep
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A little girl wakes up post surgery in a hospital for land mine survivors. She beckons a doctor who is walking past her wing and says, “Doctor, I’m scared because I can’t feel my legs.
The doctor says, “Yes, I’m very sorry to report that we had to remove your arms”.
https://redd.it/1k4utyh
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After a battery of medical tests, a man is approached by his doctor, who says “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You not only have stage four prostate cancer, but you also have advanced Alzheimer’s disease.” The patient absorbs the diagnosis for a moment, and says…
“Damn, that *is* bad news. Well, at least I don’t have cancer!”
https://redd.it/1k4k37i
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My girlfriend said „You only want one thing, and it’s disgusting!“
So I agreed, and told her to wash it more thoroughly.
https://redd.it/1k4e8w6
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A couple returns from a date and she invites him in
Her: Did you bring protection?
Him: Why? Is there a burglar inside? Don’t worry, I know karate.
Her: No, like a condom
Him (gives a weird look): You want me to fuck him??
https://redd.it/1k3ygoj
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What does a Russian hooker say after 10 mins of foreplay?
Putin
https://redd.it/1k41e8o
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Did you hear about the anesthesiologist who paid her way through med school working at the Playboy club?
She is the ether bunny.
https://redd.it/1k3ur2e
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Why did the porcupine get fired from the balloon factory?
He fucked his seceretary
https://redd.it/1k3mizd
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A guy asks his wife for sex, and she replies, "I can't, it's Lent."
Furious, he yells, "to whom and for how long?!"
https://redd.it/1k3cjes
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My girlfriend got angry that I had sex with a prostitute
I said “What else were you expecting, we hadn’t had sex in months”.
She said “Well I wasn’t aware you were willing to pay”.
https://redd.it/1k3b8ms
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The Manhattan Hooker
A guy is hanging out in his favourite, bar when he spots a fabulous
babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender
about her and is surprised to discover that she's a hooker. He watches
her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be
available to him.
The next night, he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her. "Is it true you're a hooker?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door and sure enough there's a shiny new
Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs.
"Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while and decides what the hell. He leaves
with her and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This
hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his
miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show
up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was
incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 storey apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs.
Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves
with her and once again, is not disappointed. He nearly faints -
twice!
The next night, he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm
totally hooked on you.... you are the best! Tell me, what'll it cost
me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that
island?"
"Awwww c'mon.....
You can't mean that!"
She nods her head..
"You bet..... if I had a pussy,
I'd own Manhattan!"
https://redd.it/1k30on9
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Three women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their husbands.
The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic cruise to the Caribbean for two weeks."
The second boasts, "My husband just bought me a brand new Ferrari."
The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have much money or many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that 10 budgerigars can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first woman looks ashamed. "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was only trying to impress you. You know that two week vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the Caribbean, but to my parents' house for one weekend."
The second woman says, "Oh, ladies, I'm just as bad. It's not a Ferrari he bought me, but an old, beat-up Honda."
"I also have a confession to make," said the third woman, "The tenth budgie has to stand on one leg."
https://redd.it/1k5p3fi
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I've been trying to explain the Sunk Cost Fallacy to my son for forty minutes straight now and he's no nearer understanding than when I started.
But if I quit now I'll have had all this trouble for nothing!
https://redd.it/1k5ccwz
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What do you call James Bond when he's taking a bath?
Bubble07
https://redd.it/1k58kfl
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A rich drunk guy was getting in his car after losing money in the casino
A beggar comes to him, “Sir, can you please give me some money?”
The rich guy replies, “I don’t have any cash with me, but I have this bottle of scotch whisky.”
“Sir, I don’t drink.”
“Okay, then take this packet of cigarettes.”
“I don’t smoke sir.”
“Okay, then how about these gambling chips you can use in that casino.”
“I also don’t gamble sir.”
“Then how about I introduce you to this nice girl….”
“Sir, I have a wife at home who I love very much.”
The rich guy fumbles and gets a card from his pocket, “okay, this is my card, come to my home tomorrow and i will introduce you to my wife and then give you as much money as you need.”
The beggar is confused, “Why do I need to get introduced to your wife, sir?”
“Oh that’s because I wanna show her when a guy does not drink, or smoke, or gamble, or have fun with girls…this is what happens to him!”
https://redd.it/1k53o8f
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If having sex for money makes you a whore...
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
https://redd.it/1k4wa2s
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A woman is awoken by the sound of her husband weeping in the night. She rolls over and says, “Baby what’s wrong?”. He says, “Do you remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16, and he said I could either marry you or go to prison?”.
Wife says, “ Of course I remember, but that was a long time ago. Why are you crying now?”. The husband answers, “Because I just realized… I would have been out by now.”
https://redd.it/1k4rlcu
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What do you call Katy Perry in a sandbox?
An archeologist
https://redd.it/1k4fem7
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Yesterday, Pope Francis checked his calendar and yelled at his secretary
“A meeting with J.D. Vance?? That’s the last thing I wanna do!”
https://redd.it/1k48kgc
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A woman was going to church, but her car unexpectedly broke down, so she called an Uber.
When the Uber arrived she got into the car and, deciding to make small talk, she asked the driver a question, but he didn’t answer.
Curiously, she tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention and he let out a blood curdling scream. He jerked the car to the shoulder of the road and the car came to a hard stop as he slammed on the brakes.
They both gasped in shock from what just happened. The woman caught her breath and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that touching you on the shoulder would scare you.”
The driver replied, “It’s not your fault. This is my first time driving an Uber. For the past twenty-five years I’ve been driving hearses.”
https://redd.it/1k41gis
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I just heard that Katy Perry stood in a puddle...
And now she's a deep sea diver
https://redd.it/1k3wzod
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I told my wife today that I have the same birthday as Adolf Hitler. She said, "It's crazy to think that such a disgusting loathsome figure...
.... who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."
https://redd.it/1k3grkz
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My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem ..
Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about £25,000 if we send her home back to the UK or £500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem."
Me:"Ship her home."
Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money."
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance."
https://redd.it/1k3jkh4
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An Easter joke for grown ups.
A rooster wakes up early Easter morning. As he always does, he sticks his head out of the chicken coop, but today he sees nothing but multicolored eggs all over the barnyard.
He takes a look at the eggs, looks back at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, and then he sits down and thinks about it.
After thinking about it for a minute, he walks across the barnyard and kicks the shit out of the peacock.
https://redd.it/1k3907t
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I like my coffee like I like my women...
In big sized cups.
https://redd.it/1k354do
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A blond fellow takes his date to a fancy restaurant to impress her. The waiter asks if he’d like to order some wine. Struggling with the wine list, the blond says “Bring us a bottle of cab-err-nett so-vig-non”.
The waiter responds, “Excellent choice. And what year?” The blond replies “Well, duh - we want it now!”
https://redd.it/1k2vale
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