1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Yesterday I had a pee so bad I went into a woman's bathroom. Is that really so bad?
But the police said I shouldn't even have been in her house.
https://redd.it/1kbuxhu
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I only have one word for women who look at me like I'm just some sort of sex object.
Hi.
https://redd.it/1kbl153
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I recently ejaculated over three feet, I’m not sure if this is a world record.
Or who the three feet belonged to..
https://redd.it/1kbdjmv
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During World War 2, morale in Britain was sagging and Churchill's government felt that something was needed to boost the people's spirits.
So they decided to hold a contest to find the funniest limerick in all the land. And because limericks are sometimes on the dirty side, bawdy submissions were permitted and even encouraged.
A panel of judges from all walks of life was assembled to review the limericks and select the funniest. In the end, they chose a submission from a 68 year old grandmother and invited her to read her limerick live in a BBC broadcast.
But there was a problem: The limerick was so dirty that the judges felt that it couldn't be read to the public without censoring the worst of the language. With that stipulation, the woman went to the BBC studios and prepared to read her limerick, with the dirtiest words replaced with "da". She cleared her throat and began:
Da da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da
Da da da da da
Da da da da da
Da da da da da fucking c\*nt.
https://redd.it/1kb35ps
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I told my therapist I got a gun because of my fear of birds...
He said I was getting carried away.
I cocked the gun, and said, "not today, I'm not."
https://redd.it/1kaxutb
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I was driving past the jail yesterday and saw a dwarf rappelling down the outer wall.
I thought to myself: that's a little condescending.
https://redd.it/1kalegd
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When a woman's husband died, she learned he had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral.
After everything was done at the funeral home and cemetery, she told her closest friend that there was absolutely nothing left of the money.
"How can that be?" her friend asked.
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost $6,500, I made a donation to the local church of $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake. The rest went toward the memorial stone."
"The memorial stone cost $22,500?" her friend said, "My God, how big is it?"
"Four and a half carats," replied the widow.
https://redd.it/1kai87d
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What did Lightning McQueen give the urologist?
The Pissed-in cup!
https://redd.it/1kacv2u
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An elderly gentleman goes into the unemployment office.
Believing he is too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt revealing the grey hair on his chest, so they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the cheque, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well go back there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
https://redd.it/1k9t2of
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My friend passed away and at his grave, I said
”Bro, I really miss you, my wife has been pregnant for 7 months now, how about you reincarnate as my child?”
Two months later my wife gave birth to a big boy, as my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I’m really happy that my prayer worked.
https://redd.it/1k9z2v2
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I went to an Erectile Dysfunction meeting.
"It took me forty eight minutes to ejaculate inside a woman," shared one of the attendees.
"That's nothing," I replied. "It took me 41 years."
https://redd.it/1k9dncz
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So a man walks into a doctor's office.
He's looking all panicked, sweating bullets. He sits down and says, "Doc, I need help. Every morning I wake up, and for some reason, I think I'm a dog."
The doctor leans forward, nods, and says, "That's unusual. How long has this been going on?"
The guy says, "Oh, for years now. It's driving me nuts! Every morning, I wake up and I go straight to the back door, scratching at it like I gotta go outside. Then, if someone rings the doorbell, I can't help myself; I just go nuts barking at them!
The doctor rubs his chin and says, "Hmm, that is strange. Well, tell me, have you tried anything to fix it?"
And the guy says, "Have I tried anything? Oh yeah! I've tried *everything*. Meditation, therapy, hypnosis... Nothing works!"
The doctor sighs. "Alright, well, let's start simple. Why don't you lie down on the couch and we'll talk this through?"
And the guy shakes his head and says, "Oh, I can' t do that, Doc."
The doctor looks confused. "Why not?"
And the guy says, "Because... I'm not allowed on the furniture."
https://redd.it/1k9fvzd
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Prostitutes are just:
Genital Contractors
https://redd.it/1k9edg0
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Being 18 is weird.
You're old enough to go to war, but still young enough to get yelled at for leaving an empty cereal box in the pantry.
Freedom has never tasted so... passive-aggressive.
https://redd.it/1k958qx
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A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
She asked the boy: “Michael, what is the matter with you these days? Your attitude stinks.”
Michael answered: “I’m too smart for first grade. My sister is in third grade, and I’m smarter than she is, so I should be in third grade too.”
In a bid to resolve things, the teacher took Michael along to the principal’s office and while Michael waited in the outer office, she explained the situation to the principal.
He told the teacher that he would give Michael a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly, he would have to return to first grade and behave himself.
Michael was then taken to the principal’s office for the test.
“What is four times four?” asked the principal.
“Sixteen,” answered Michael.
“What is eleven minus seven?” said the principal.
“Four,” replied Michael instantly.
And so it went on. Every third-grade standard question the principal asked, Michael answered.
Eventually the principal said to the teacher: “I think Michael can move up to third grade.”
“Let me ask him a few questions,” suggested the teacher.
“Very well,” agreed the principal.
“Okay, Michael,” began the teacher.
“What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?”
“Legs,” answered Michael.
The teacher continued: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal raised his eyebrows.
“Pockets,” replied Michael.
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Michael: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Michael: “Bubblegum.”
The principal wiped a few beads of perspiration from his brow.
Teacher: “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?”
Michael: “Shake hands.”
Teacher: “Now I am going to ask some ‘Who am I’ questions.”
Michael: “Okay.”
Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Michael: “Tent.”
Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
The principal was growing increasingly nervous.
Michael: “Wedding ring.”
Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Michael: “Nose.”
Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Michael: “Arrow.”
Teacher: “And finally. What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and means a lot of excitement?”
Michael: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told the teacher: “Put Michael in third grade. He’s obviously very smart. I got the last nine questions wrong myself.”
https://redd.it/1k8haxm
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The ugly wife
When I was a priest in a small village on the outskirts of Naples, I once officiated the wedding of the ugliest girl I had ever seen.
After the ceremony, her father came up to me and asked, “Father, how much do I owe you for the service?”
I gave my usual answer: “The church accepts a donation based on how beautiful you think the bride is.”
He paused, turned to look at his daughter for a moment… then handed me 10 euros.
I gave him 5 back.
https://redd.it/1kbqr2r
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Let’s go: your momma so fat, you got her a brand new 1TB Iphone 16 and her first picture said memory full.
(Keep it going)
https://redd.it/1kbi78r
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A busy couple whose schedules allowed them to have sex only once a month, bought a box of 12 condoms, so they would be set for a year.
Three months later, the wife went to get one, and found the box empty.
"What happened to the other 9 condoms?" she asked her husband.
He nervously replied, "Um, I uh... masturbated with them."
The next day she shared the story with a male co-worker, and asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom?"
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my wife."
https://redd.it/1kbaxxg
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A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.
https://redd.it/1kb34vt
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Guy comes home drunk from a bar one night.
His wife angrily questions him, “Where the hell have you been? Do you see what time it is?!”
The guy says, “I was at this bar called the Golden Saloon. Everything there is made of gold. They have a big gold sign. The doors are gold. They have a gold floor. Even the urinals are gold!”
Wife isn’t entirely buying it. The next morning she gets online to look up “The Golden Saloon” to check her husband’s story. Sure enough, a Google search brings up a place called The Golden Saloon just across town.
She calls the place up and the bartender answers the phone.
She asks, “Is this the Golden Saloon.” Bartender replies, “Sure is ma’am.”
She goes, “Do you have gold doors?” Bartender says, “We sure do.”
She then asks, “Do you have a gold floor?” Bartender responds, “You bet!”
Finally, she asks, “Now tell me, do you have gold urinals?” There’s a pause. After a few seconds, she hears the bartender yelling across the room, “Hey Duke! I think we got a lead on the guy who peed in your saxophone!”
https://redd.it/1katiha
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What do you call a young boy who can outrun a priest?
A virgin.
https://redd.it/1kajzs9
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So last weekend my wife and I decided to try anal sex with a hooker
My asshole still hurts. That was the last time I let a rugby player into my house.
https://redd.it/1kagtbk
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He may be gone... But he's still cooking
Three gay guys die, and their partners are discussing what to do with their ashes:
– "My John loved fishing, so I'm gonna dump his ashes in the lake!"
– "My Charlie loved hiking, so I'll scatter his ashes at the top of a mountain."
– "My Billy was one hell of a cook... so I'm gonna stir his ashes into a big pot of beans — and let him blow my ass one last time..."
https://redd.it/1ka7anr
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Go on my son
A man went to church to confess his sins to a priest…
He said, father I have sinned and I wish to confess.
Go on my son, go on my son…
About 2 weeks ago I was walking in the neighborhood and my neighbor said that her fridge was broken and asked if I could please come in and fix it. So I went inside and started fixing the fridge and it started to rain heavily. By the time the fridge was fixed, it was still raining, so she said you can’t go out in this rain! come have some tea and let’s talk. So we had tea and one thing led to another and… I fucked her!
Go on my son, go on my son…
Then last week I was in another neighborhood and a woman said her oven wasn’t working and if I could please help her fix it. So I went inside and started fixing the oven and it started to rain again. Once I fixed the oven it was still raining so she said you can’t go out in this rain come have some food with me. So we ate and one thing led to another and… I fucked her!
Go on my son, go on my son…
Just yesterday I was driving my car and it started to break down. Luckily, I was near a garage so I pulled in and the mechanic was an old friend from highschool! He started fixing my car and it started to rain again. Once he fixed my car the rain was still pouring down so he said come let’s have some vodka and reminisce on old memories. So we drank and got very drunk and one thing led to another and… I fucked him! Father what should I do?
The priest said “Get the hell out of here before it starts to rain!”
https://redd.it/1ka4s0f
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What is a Karen called in Europe?
an american.
https://redd.it/1k9u1l3
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Why does Russian computers only run linux?
Because in Russia its always better to stay away from windows
https://redd.it/1k9g7jc
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What's the difference between a prostitute and a middle aged husband?
Only one of them gets paid to sit on the john for an hour.
https://redd.it/1k9hxou
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A guy told his buddy: “I’ve got a new girlfriend
and she’s anorexic.”
“Oh, right. How’s it going?”
“Not too well. Each week, I’m seeing less and less of her.”
https://redd.it/1k908u5
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This new Vietnamese restaurant opened near my house. On opening day, they were so busy that they had to turn away some of the customers.
It was the biggest pho queue I’ve ever seen.
https://redd.it/1k91ofd
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Mary Poppins' lipstick
Did you know that Mary Poppins has stopped using lipstick before giving blowjobs?
That's because super colour fragile lipsticks makes the dicks atrocious.
https://redd.it/1k8pive
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