1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Husband: I wanna die; wife: let me die with you
Husband: I can’t have a moment of peace with you, can I?
https://redd.it/1kepiqf
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I said to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back
Apparently it’s insensitive to say that to someone during chemo.
https://redd.it/1kehl9i
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Postcards from three daughters
Her three daughters got married at the same time and went off to their honeymoons to different places. All three promised their anxious mother that they will send postcards to let her know how their honeymoon is going.
A week goes by and she receives a postcard from her eldest daughter. But it only says the words “Benson & Hedges”. Curious, the mother looks for the cigarette’s advertisement in a magazine and grinned slyly as she read the slogan - Extra large King size: The length you go for pleasure.
After another week there is a postcard from her second daughter and it says “Maxwell House Coffee”. With a knowing smile, she read the slogan for the coffee in a magazine - Good till the last drop!
While relieved knowing that her two daughters are having a good time, she was somewhat worried about her youngest, until the third postcard finally arrived after a month. It said “British Airways”, the advertisement for which, she gasped as she read, was - 7 days a week, twice daily, both ways each time!
https://redd.it/1keb5td
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Two economists are walking in a forest when they come across a pile of shit.
The first economist says to the second,
*“I’ll pay you $1000 to eat that pile of shit.”*
The second economist takes the $1000 and eats the pile of shit.
They continue walking until they come across a second pile of shit.
The second economist says to the first,
*“I’ll pay you $1000 to eat that pile of shit.”*
The first economist takes the $1000 and eats it.
After walking a bit more, the first economist says:
*“You know, I gave you $1000 to eat shit, then you gave me back the same $1000 to eat shit. I can't help but feel like we both just ate shit for nothing.”*
*“That's not true,”* the second economist replies.
*“We increased the GDP by $2000!”*
https://redd.it/1ke51m7
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A man asks his wife "Honey, what do you want for your birthday?"
She says "A divorce."
And he says "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
https://redd.it/1kdthjv
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My doctor told me not to masurbate on the weekend.
I told him "that's ok I'll masturbate on Drake instead"
https://redd.it/1kdhkfd
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A man went to buy a hearing aid.
The salesman said their devices range in price from $1 to $2000.
The man expressed interest in the one that costs $1.
The salesman handed him the device and said, "just put this button in your ear and let the wire hang down into your pocket".
The man asked, " how does it work? "
The salesman replied, "oh, it doesn't work at all. But once people see it, they'll shout so loud you won't need it anyways!"
https://redd.it/1kdh5pi
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
“Oh, yes,” she says, "I remember it well."
“Okay,” he replies, "How about taking a stroll around again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, ‘I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them and make sure there's no trouble.’ So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, ‘this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.’
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.”
https://redd.it/1kdh8jl
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My doctor asked, "You have that weird fetish of masturbating on pages, right?"
"Yes, doc," I said, "but how did you know?" He replied, "Because I wasn't able to open your medical records."
https://redd.it/1kd7gqy
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One night a couple were lying in bed.
The husband was feeling frisky, so he tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm, to indicate that he wanted sex.
She turned over and said to him, "I'm sorry dear, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
Dejected, the husband turned over and tried to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolled back over and whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment too?"
https://redd.it/1kczlf2
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says: "Ya know, I'd herd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed it done
https://redd.it/1kcve8d
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I was offered to have sex with a 21-year old girl today
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
https://redd.it/1kcpapm
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A man walks into the courthouse to have his name changed…
…finds the appropriate office and begins the process. The clerks asks:
“What is your current name?”
The man says with some hesitancy, “Donald Shithouse.”
The clerk, taken a bit back and feeling sympathy for the man, replies “oh, my goodness, I can certainly understand why you would want your name changed. And what name would you like instead?”
The man replies, “John Shithouse.”
https://redd.it/1kcge11
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A man found a lamp on the beach, rubbed it and out popped a genie!
As you might expect, the genie said, "Thank you for releasing me -- I grant you three wishes!"
Without hesitation the man said, "For my first wish, I want you to get a hearing aid." The genie was perplexed and said, "That's an odd wish. May I ask why that?"
"Well, I've heard horror stories about wishes before and I really don't need a million ducks or a 12 inch pianist."
https://redd.it/1kc7nmp
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I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
https://redd.it/1kbxqqp
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An atheist was walking through the woods.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It w ould be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
https://redd.it/1kejupi
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The Top Things Uttered by Yoda During Sex
11. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
10. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
9. "Feel the force!"
8. "Foreplay, cuddling -- a Jedi craves not these things."
7. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
6. "Do me or do me not -- there is no try."
5. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!
1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"
https://redd.it/1kefers
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I was walking down the street the other day and a guy just came right up to me shouting ‘water hole, water hole…’
I didn’t understand what he was getting at but I’m sure he meant well.
https://redd.it/1ke5412
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Brazil has half the number of guns in comparison to the USA but twice the number of deaths by gunshot, you know what that means?
That Brazilians have better aim.
https://redd.it/1kdzbbm
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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.
All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.
First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide. Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet. Then came the Marine General.
"I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls."
The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure.
"I am being serious. Now start measuring."
The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in alarm.
"Sir! Where are your balls?!?"
"IN VIETNAM!"
https://redd.it/1kdv37k
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A young girl came home from college and mentioned that she was thinking about having a baby.
Assuming her daughter may already be pregnant, her mother was furious.
"What the hell? How'd you get knocked up like this? Who's the father?"
"Mom, you've got it all wrong," her daughter replied, "It's a class project about the miracle of life."
Her mother didn't believe her.
"You'd better tell me who that baby's father is right now!"
Tearfully, she said, "I don't know, mom! It was a group effort!"
https://redd.it/1kdplne
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I was fired from my job because I asked my customers whether they preferred 'smoking' or 'non-smoking'.
Apparently the correct terms are 'cremation' and 'burial'.
https://redd.it/1kdfh9q
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One night, a priest is talking to god in his dreams...
The priest asks god, "dear lord, what is a thousand years for you"?
God answers, "my son, for me it's just one minute."
The priest asks him, "and what is a million dollars for you??"
God answers, "oh, that's just a few cents."
The priest asks, "dear god, will you gift me a few cents?"
And god says: "Sure, my son. Wait a minute."
https://redd.it/1kdb9l4
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A couple is discussing home finances shortly after the wedding.
She: “Now that we’re married, I think you should quit playing golf. The savings will be substantial in the long run, and if we sell all your golf clubs, we could buy some new furniture.”
He: “You’re talking like my ex-wife.”
She: “Ex-wife?! You never told me you were married before.”
He: “I wasn’t.”
https://redd.it/1kd2vj0
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Why did my semen cross the road?
Because I f#cked a chicken.
https://redd.it/1kcr0ce
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Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
(Keep it going)
https://redd.it/1kci96x
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Why did the semen cross the road?
I wore the wrong socks today.
https://redd.it/1kchnyk
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A guy came home early one day from work and heard weird sounds coming from the master bedroom.
When he went upstairs he found his wife on the bed, naked and sweating.
"What the hell is going on?" he asked her.
"I'm having a heart attack," she stammered.
Her husband ran downstairs and dialled 911. As he was doing this, his young son ran up to him and said, "Dad, uncle Tom is upstairs hiding in the closet, and he's naked."
The father slammed the phone down and ran back upstairs to find his brother.
"What the hell are you doing?" he screamed at him, "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"
https://redd.it/1kca51f
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Royal wedding
There once was a royal wedding, and the King and Queen wanted to "ensure all went well in the bedchamber."
When the newlyweds retired, both parents had their ears stuck to the bedchamber door.
Meanwhile, the Princess, having changed for the reception, was having a problem getting her shoes off. She asked the Prince for help.
"Oh my gosh," exclaimed the Prince when he got the first one off, "That was really tight."
"See," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin."
The Prince told his bride, "Now for the other one."
The King whispered to the Queen, "That's my boy!"
https://redd.it/1kbt9b7
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I met a girl in a bar and she gave me a pity fuck after hearing my story about how my parents kicked me out at 12 and feeling sorry for me.
She was super pissed off when I told her they were expecting me back at around 6.
https://redd.it/1kbzyc6
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