1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Deborah was a first-time contestant on a quiz show.
Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as she had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the round but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the one million dollar question.
She agreed to return the following day, and was nervous as her husband drove them home.
"I've just got to win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, he grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, the husband returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
"Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "
The couple went to sleep with Deborah, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, she was shaken awake by her husband, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," she replied groggily before returning to sleep. He asked her again in the morning, this time as she was brushing her teeth. Once again, she replied correctly.
So it was that she was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced her and asked the question that would make her the champion.
"OK Deborah, this is the big one. For $1,000,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds, starting now."
"Hmm, um, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uh, ooh, gee! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the host, "Congratulations!"
https://redd.it/1kkm3cu
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My mom once told me “nothing good happens after 2am.” I thought she was telling me to party less during college.
But then I found out I was born at 2:15am.
https://redd.it/1kkf7f5
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A 7 y/o girl asks her father what gay means. He replied it means "Happy". She then asks him if he is gay; he replies
No, we have mommy
https://redd.it/1kk4f2o
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A guys gets pulled over for speeding….
The cop says to the man:
- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...
The wife then says:
- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.
The man shoots a dark look at his wife, then the cop says:
- Well, since I've got you pulled over, do you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?
- No sir, I did not know that...
The wife says:
- Oh please, Henry! I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!
The husband grinds his teeth but keeps silent. The cop then adds:
- And I noticed that you left rear lights weren't working either.
- Oh yes, I was on my way to get them changed, actually.
The wife says:
- Nonsense, we were going home. You keep saying it doesn't need to be changed, that the other drivers can see you well enough.
The man explodes with anger:
- WILL YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIEHOLE, YOU BITCH?
The cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her:
- Does he always talk to you this way?
- Oh no, officer, only when he's been drinking.
https://redd.it/1kjznqu
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Wouldn't another name for Father's Day...
...be Mother Fuckers Day?
https://redd.it/1kjru9w
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A male porn star retired from the business.
He had a difficult time finding a new job, and finally got a job at a gas station, but he got fired from that job as well.
He would pump the gas until the customer's car was almost full, the pull the pump out and spray gas all over the hood of the car.
https://redd.it/1kjg1g6
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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
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My family was furious when they found out I hooked up with my second cousin.
Oddly enough, they never said a word about the first one.
https://redd.it/1kj7tmg
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Two beggars set up on the sidewalk in front of New Delhi's international airport.
One of the beggars, an Indian man, sees the other beggar and says: "Hello, I've never seen you here before. May I ask where you're from?"
"I am from Pakistan", said the man. "I'm visiting some friends here and I am returning home by plane later tonight."
"Is that so", said the Indian man. "I know our two countries have had their differences recently but I can assure you I have nothing against you, and wish you a safe journey."
Both men had with them a cardboard sign and a basket for their donations.
"I'll give you some advice." said the Indian man, "You have to be creative with the wording on your sign. You have to appeal to people's emotions. Here I'll show you what mine says:"
The Indian man's sign read: 'RECENTLY UNEMPLOYED, IN HUGE DEBT, SUPPORTING DISABLED WIFE AND THREE CHILDREN'.
"Thank you for advice", said the Pakistani man. "I do have a similar sign."
At the end of the day the Indian man looked at his basket of donations. He counted 1,700 Rupees (20 US Dollars). He said to the Pakistani man: "This is a decent day's takings. How well did you do?"
The Pakistani man showed him his overflowing basket which contained over 100,000 Rupees (1,200 US Dollars).
Looking astonished, the Indian man exclaimed: "What on earth did you put on your sign?"
The Pakistani man held up his sign which read: "JUST NEED ANOTHER 1,000 RUPEES TO GET BACK TO PAKISTAN."
https://redd.it/1kj1oz3
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An attorney called and asked to speak to his client, a wealthy art collector.
He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right."
Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
"The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
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Two hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.
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Did you hear about the clairvoyant who was always cruel to others, always in poor health, and constantly had bad breath?
I guess so, everyone knows about the super callous fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
https://redd.it/1kif09j
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so of course I had to ground him...
...he is doing better currently....conducting himself properly.
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A man scores a hot date
A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.
Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.
Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.
His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, "could you do that again?"
The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
https://redd.it/1ki68d8
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A guy has a crush on a girl... The only problem he has is every time he sees her he gets a raging boner.
After some great effort he manages to finally sit down near her during a party and strike up a conversation. They hit it off and he asks her to see a movie with him the next day.
Fearing he will not be able to control embarrassing himself he decides to strap his penis to his leg. The next day he arrives at her door early and rings the bell. The girl answers the door in her underwear and he kicked her in the face.
https://redd.it/1khwkw8
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What do wizards call HPV?
Hog-warts
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For Mother's Day..... I'm 32 out at the local bar,horny and working my flirt game.
I see this hot 50 something milf and I tell the bartender to send her a drink. A minute later she comes over and sits in the barstool next to me thanking me. She runs her foot up my leg as she leans and kisses my cheek. I realize that I'm getting cougared and I just let her do her thing. She slides her hand on my thigh to my bulge and says, "I want this, I live 3 minutes away, let's go!", giving my throbbing bulge a hard squeeze emphasizing her desire. We leave and the short drive to her house she had me so hard. I couldn't believe my luck. We barely get in the door and she's pinning me against the wall, grinding on me. She licks up my neck to my ear, and whispers,"you want some Mother/Daughter sex?" Ohhh I was so turned on I could all I could say is "Hell yes!". She turned her head and yelled up the staircase, " Mom get down here!"
https://redd.it/1kka62f
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I just don’t understand international porn.
I mean, what is the world cumming to?
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A rich man just got a brand new Jaguar XJ220, equipped with everything.
He was whistling to himself, enjoying the ride, when he encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change. While he was waiting, a tiny Mini Cooper also drives up. The rich guy looked at the little car and couldn't help himself, he had to brag.
"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, on-board computer control system, photo-chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, and this, and this..."
At this point the Mini owner interrupted, "That's nice, but do you have a hair blower in there?"
The light changed just then, and the Mini drove off. The rich man felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the car. A few days passed, and the rich man was looking for that Mini, until he finally found it at another red light. He got out of his Jag and quickly knocked on the other's window.
"Yea?" Said the other man impatiently.
"I got that hair blower too, now." said the rich man proudly.
"Nice," the other man said, "but do you have THIS?" and he shows the rich guy a tiny microwave oven built into the dashboard.
"No. I have to say I don't."
"Well, talk to me when you have a REAL car, then!" and with that, the Mini took off.
The rich man goes back to the dealership and this time has a special microwave oven put into his car. Once again the Jaguar was at a traffic light when the man spotted the Mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all misted up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the car. After a few moments, the Mini owner poked his head out.
"I installed an oven." said the rich man proudly.
"That's nice,' the other man responded. "but did you have to interrupt my shower to tell me?"
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Why can’t you teach a prostitute about plants?
Because you can’t bring a horticulture
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Chapaev and Logical Thinking
Chapaev, a famous Russian civil war general, is sitting and having lunch with his assistant Petka. Earlier on, Petka’s colleague Anka asked him what is logical thinking? Petka didn’t know, so he thought he will ask his boss later on.
“General Chapaev, may I ask, what is logical thinking?”
Chapaev says:
“Okay, Petka, let me demonstrate. Do you have any matches on you?”
Petka replies, “Yes.”
Chapaev continues, “If you have matches, then logically, you smoke, right?”
Petka nods, “Right.”
“If you have smoke, logically, you must like to drink.”
“Of course.”
“If you like to drink, logically, you love parties.”
“Yes, that’s true.”
“If you love parties, logically, you must love people.”
“Sure.”
“If you love people, logically, you must love women.”
“Absolutely!”
“And if you love women, logically, you’re not gay.”
Petka proudly agrees, “Right!”
Satisfied, Petka seeks out Anka and says to him “Comrade, I now know what is logical thinking.”
“Can you explain it to me?”
“Of course, tell me, do you have any matches on you?”
Anka replies “No, I don’t”
Petka stops for a second and says “Well then, logically, you are gay.”
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What's a pornstar's favorite burger joint?
In-N-Out
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A married couple woke up one morning.
While still lying in bed, the wife turned to her husband, and said, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today." "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband.
"I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home."
The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it was forgotten. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag.
"Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?"
"You were dreaming about your work all night," the wife answered.
"Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" he asked.
"Because every 2 minutes you were shouting your secretary's name!"
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My son was born with 5 penises I was devastated His mother was devastated
His uncle just smiled and said - "his underpants will fit him like a glove..."
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What does nasal sex involve?
Fuck knows.
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Apparently Indian fighter jets dropped 1000 onion bhajis on Pakistan this afternoon
A spokesperson said, “that’s just for starters”
https://redd.it/1kijkg1
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One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
https://redd.it/1kidwl7
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What’s the biggest difference between a condom and a coffin?
You go in one and cum in the other :)
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If I see an electrician - I’ll masturbate. If I see a plumber - I’ll masturbate. If I see a carpenter - I’ll masturbate. If I see a welder - I’ll masturbate.
Guess I’m just a jack off all trades.
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A fifth grade class was given a homework assignment to find out about something exciting to talk about the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the classroom, and made a small dot on the blackboard.
Puzzled, his teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," replied the boy.
"What's so exciting about a period?" she asked.
"I don't know," said the boy, "But this morning my older sister was missing one, my mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
https://redd.it/1khlcqd
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