1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
These kids today! When I got back home from the CVS at the mall with my 4-year-old son, he pulls a candy bar out of his pocket. I hadn't bought him a candy bar, and I know he didn't buy one, so I put him in the car and we drove right back to the mall.
This time, we went to a jewelry store.
https://redd.it/1kqmegi
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I gave my new girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
https://redd.it/1kqcdv9
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What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Your wife is always willing to blow your bonus check.
https://redd.it/1kq5s5v
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Whose punch was the deadliest? Some say Ali, some say Frasier, some say Foreman.
Me? I'm going with Jim Jones.
https://redd.it/1kpyovx
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What do you call a one-legged ex-pornstar named Linda?
Linda.
https://redd.it/1kpppau
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My wife's contractions were getting closer so we dashed off to the hospital.
After getting checked in, the obstetrician came into the room, examined my wife, wrote "Annie" on her chart and left the room.
We were obviously confused and asked the nurse what it meant. She said "This means you can go home -- there won't be a baby today." Even more confused we asked how she was able to interpret that. She told us
"The doctor is a big fan of musicals. His note means 'The son will come out tomorrow'"
https://redd.it/1kplkxy
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A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table.
She opens it and reads:
*"My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."*
When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:
*"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of mathematics, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18..."*
https://redd.it/1kpepyi
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A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
https://redd.it/1kp7p20
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After a long night of partying, a man wakes up with a vivid memory of a golden toilet in one of the clubs he visited.
He goes around town, visiting every nightclub and checking every bathroom. Just as he's about to give up, he enters one last club — and the doorman immediately punches him, grabs him by the collar, and yells:
"Jimmy, here's the guy who took a shit in your saxophone!"
https://redd.it/1koue6y
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I was walking past a farm, and a sign said, “duck, eggs”! I thought, “that’s an unnecessary comma”
….and then it hit me!
https://redd.it/1kovi54
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A man from Bristol tattooed his girlfriends name on his penis
When they were traveling in Jamaica, he had to go pee, a large Jamaican man stood at the urinal next to him, and he couldn’t help him self, he snuck a peak because of all the rumours.
To his amazement he saw the same letters that were visible on his own penis, W N Y, and in his excitement he burst out “Oh my god you have Wendy tattooed on your penis, I have the same look!”
The man gives him a quizzical look, glances at his penis and sees yes, clear as day the letters W N Y on this strange white mans penis. He coughs and clears his throat and says:
“Oh no, the tattoo on my penis doesn’t say Wendy…”
“Well what does it say”
“Welcome to Jamaica, Have a Nice Day”
https://redd.it/1konxtl
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My friend could never satisfy his gf even though he is a muscular guy; 6 foot, 2 inches
Those happen to be separate measurements.
https://redd.it/1kofkpv
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Three statisticians go hunting. Deep in the forest, they see a deer. The first one aims their rifle and takes a shot, but it goes wide to the right. The second one takes a shot, but it goes wide to the left.
The third one says, “We got it!”
https://redd.it/1ko9l3h
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A wealthy lady hired a band
a caterer and a clown for her granddaughter’s birthday party.
Shortly before the party was due to start, two bums showed up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for them, the lady promised them a free meal if they would chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they went to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, the party got under way, and all of the children were having a wonderful time.
The only problem was that the clown hadn’t arrived, and soon he phoned to say that he was stuck in traffic and wouldn’t be able to get there in time.
Disappointed, the lady tried valiantly to entertain the children herself but she was a poor substitute.
Just then she happened to look out of the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the back lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and jumped high in the air.
So she went outside and said to the other bum: “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think he would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $75.”
“I don’t know,” said the bum.
“Let me ask him. Hey, Willie! For $75, would you chop off another toe?”
https://redd.it/1ko4no8
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An elderly woman appears in court.
Defence Lawyer: *"Ma'am, will you please state your age?"*
Little Old Lady: *"I am 86 years old."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?"*
Little Old Lady: *"There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Did you know him?"*
Little Old Lady: *"No, but he sure was friendly."*
Defence Lawyer: *"What happened after he sat down?"*
Little Old Lady: *"He started to rub my thigh."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Did you stop him?"*
Little Old Lady: *"No, I didn’t stop him."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Why not?"*
Little Old Lady: *"It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my husband died 30 years ago."*
Defence Lawyer: *"What happened next?"*
Little Old Lady: *"He began to rub my breasts."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Did you stop him then?"*
Little Old Lady: *"No, I did not stop him."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Why not?"*
Little Old Lady: *"It made me feel alive. I haven’t felt that good in years!"*
Defence Lawyer: *"What happened next?"*
Little Old Lady: *"Well, by then, I was feeling a little hot and bothered, so I asked him to come closer."*
Defence Lawyer: *"And did he?"*
Little Old Lady: *"Well, he came closer.... and then yelled, 'April Fools!' That’s when I shot the bastard."*
https://redd.it/1knve2n
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A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
https://redd.it/1kqczjk
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A politician has a rally in a small town...
He asks "What can the government do for you?"
A man says: "We basically have two problems.... The first one is... we have no doctor in town"
The politician immediately pulls out his iphone, dials a number and has a short conversation. He hangs up and says: "Settled, there will be a doctor here from tomorrow on... What's the second problem?"
"We don't have a mobile phone signal..."
https://redd.it/1kq73sk
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A woman was reading her favourite magazine when she sees an ad for an all-expenses-paid cruise for the low price of $1,000.
She excitedly goes to her husband, and shows him the ad.
"Look honey," she says, "It's in two days and only $1,000!"
"I'll be honest with you," said her husband, "I have too much work for a cruise. How about you go and have a good time?"
His wife is a bit disappointed but bounces back and decides she will have a good time anyway. The next day, the husband is in his office when his co-worker, who is also his mistress, comes to him excitedly.
"Hey babe," she says, "There's this cruise tomorrow that is on sale! Only $1,000!"
"I'm really not into cruises, to be honest," he replied, "Here's $1,000, why don't you go and have a good time?"
She agrees, and as it turns out, both his wife and his mistress ended up going on the same cruise. A few days later, his wife comes back from the cruise. As she tells her husband how much fun she had, she shows him photos she took.
While looking them over, he notices that his lover is in some of the photos in the background. He points to her and asks his wife: "Who's she?"
"Oh, her," sniffs his wife disdainfully, "I call her the cruise-slut because she slept with half of the men there."
The next day, the husband goes to the office and gets the same excited story accompanied by photos from his mistress. Once again, he sees a familiar face in some of the photos - his wife. He then points to his wife and asks: "Who is she?"
"Oh, her," his mistress replies, "She's such a nice woman, with all the men on board, she never left her husband's side for a second!"
https://redd.it/1kq45cg
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Why do men name their dicks?
Because they don’t want a stranger making 90% of their decisions.
https://redd.it/1kpyqg7
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My great grandfather who's a Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
A Holocaust survivor dies, goes to Heaven and meets God. He tells him a Holocaust joke. God says, "That's not funny."
The Holocaust survivor replies, "Well, I guess you had to be there."
https://redd.it/1kpsuyb
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What do you call a penis that can be shortened?
Richard.
https://redd.it/1kpgrj0
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The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
https://redd.it/1kpcupr
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Having too much sex can cause memory loss
Or so I've read, on page 37 of the new England journal of medicine on August 14th 2002, while eating bacon and eggs, which I overcooked slightly.
https://redd.it/1kp708o
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A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "This is the third time I've been in this bar."
"Really?" says the bartender.
"In 1982, I came in the day before my wedding. I was nervous. I was unsure. In retrospect, I was lacking confidence in myself, in my future."
"Fair enough," says the bartender.
"Over 40 years later, I came back... the day after my wife died. It's amazing how life can change. How every uncertainty can become the past. How the unknown can come to mean... everything."
The bartender doesn't know what to say.
But the man continues. "Those were the two most important days of my life," he says.
The two stand in silence for a moment.
"Well then," says the bartender, "what brings you here today?"
"As fate would have it," the man replies, "I forgot my umbrella."
https://redd.it/1kp1n84
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Nun comes back from gynecologist, found out she is pregnant
Furious, she summons all the male staff of the monastery and asks: "Ok... WHO JIZZED ON THE CANDLES!??"
https://redd.it/1kop22u
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A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did. His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning to the local butcher shop and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them into her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes. After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely.
“What happened?” his wife asked.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey - after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
https://redd.it/1kolca0
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At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
https://redd.it/1kogf9k
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What’s the difference between your job and your wife?
After five years, your job still sucks.
https://redd.it/1ko2oo7
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What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
https://redd.it/1knxlzi
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Triplets
A woman gave birth to triplets, all boys, and named them Tim, Tom and Tat. Soon after she realized she had a small problem. What was her problem?
>!She did not have a tit for Tat.!<
https://redd.it/1knm74p
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