1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Three men are in an airplane. One is the pilot, the other two are a hippie and the someone self described as the world's smartest man
Suddenly the plane's engines began failing, and the pilot says there isn't much time, and he'll keep the plane in the air as long as he can, and told his two passengers to take the only two parachutes on board and bail out. The world's smartest man immediately took a parachute and said "I'm the world's smartest man! The world needs me, so I can't die here!", and then jumped out of the plane.
The pilot tells the hippie to hurry up and take the other parachute, because there aren't any more. And the hippie says "Relax man. We'll be fine. The world's smartest man took my backpack."
https://redd.it/1l4a12d
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The secret to a conflictless marriage
A man having constant marital troubles consulted his friend who never seemed to have any argument with his wife. He advised, “The secret to my peaceful marriage is this golden arrangement- I let my wife decide in minor insignificant matters, and completely honor her decision without any question. And I get to have my say in important major issues, and she never challenges.”
“Give me some examples”, the troubled man asked inquisitively.
“Like, it was my wife’s decision that we move to this city and settle here. She chose the house we bought. She decided how many kids we would have, which school they go to, the parenting style we use, the healthy lifestyle we live, where and how often we go on vacation… you get the idea, don’t you?”
Perplexed, the man asked, “If these are the minor decisions that your wife makes, what are the major issues that you are incharge of?”
“I form my opinions in major matters like if we should send a manned mission to Mars and inhabit the planet, what the government’s policies should be to tackle climate change, which party should form the next government… and my wife never objects!”
https://redd.it/1l47s08
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A group of third, fourth and fifth graders
Accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racecourse to learn about thoroughbred racehorses.
In the course of the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher while the boys went with another.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn’t reach the urinal. Reluctantly the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary schoolchild.
“I guess you must be in the fifth?” she said.
“No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m in the seventh, riding Lucky Charm. Thanks for the lift anyway.”
https://redd.it/1l3tfi5
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My son walked in with a rock in his hand
He said, “I know it’s embarrassing, but I’ve been pretending this dumb old thing is my friend.”
I said to him, “that’s ok, lots of kids have imaginary friends.”
Then he yelled at me, “shut up dumbass, I’m talking to my rock!”
https://redd.it/1l3qvdf
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My friend got fired from her job for being a company Whistleblower
She was discovered by the CEO’s wife, Mrs. Whistle
https://redd.it/1l3lb0h
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Do you have an acronym for TESLA?
Add to the list of car names explained like the following examples:
ACURA: Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AUDI: Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW: Big Money Wasted
CHEVROLET: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT: Fix it again, Tony!
FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GMC: Garage Man's Companion
KIA: Kick It Again
https://redd.it/1l3dq28
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Another mosquito.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Yeti
Yeti who?
Yet another mosquito.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Helen
Helen who?
Hell, another mosquito.
https://redd.it/1l34caa
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Why is a car ferry like a condom?
Roll-on, roll-off, full of seamen and if you get a hole in one, you're sunk.
https://redd.it/1l317je
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My Dad says he changes his Facebook password from time to time
I don't think he realises that they are the same words
https://redd.it/1l2q8u9
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A woman visits the doctor...
as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her, "Well, I hope you like changing diapers."
She replies, "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?!"
To which he responds, "No, you've got bowel cancer."
https://redd.it/1l2ds67
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From my 12 year old: To the guy who invented 'zero'...
Thanks for nothing.
https://redd.it/1l2ecef
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I Asked My Dad His Opinion on Abortion
"Why don't you ask your sister" he replied.
"But I don't have a sis..."
https://redd.it/1l1v7vt
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My teacher told me that I’d be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia…
but so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase. So Fuck you Mr. Peterson.
https://redd.it/1l1xpch
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Our new neighbor Brian, kisses his wife Goodbye, everytime he leaves for work. My wife is pissed because i never do that.
So I kissed Brian's wife and my wife filed for a divorce out of nowhere.
https://redd.it/1l1otor
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As a woman was leaving the bank, she suddenly remembered she had forgotten the car keys inside.
She went back and asked everyone, but no one had seen the keys. She searched her purse again.
"Oh no! I left the keys in the car!"
She ran to the parking lot in a panic—only to find the car missing!
She called the police, reported the car stolen, gave them the license plate number, and admitted the keys were left inside.
Trying to calm down, she nervously made the hardest call of her life—to her husband. Stammering, she told him the car had been stolen.
He thundered back, "I dropped you at the bank—you didn’t take the car!"
She sighed in relief and thanked God, then asked him to come pick her up.
Her husband replied, "Sure I’ll come... just as soon as I convince the police I didn’t steal your car!"
https://redd.it/1l1g1ps
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There is something I don't understand about 69
How did the 6 manage to hook up with a 9?
https://redd.it/1l419z1
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A woman walks into a hospital wheeling her husband with her in a wheelbarrow
She stops at the front desk and talks to the admitting nurse. "Good day," she says. "Something is wrong with my husband. He was very difficult to wake up this morning, he barely touched his breakfast, and he hasn't done anything all day. Can you find out what's wrong?" She and her husband are whisked into a room. A couple of big, burly orderlies come in and lift her unresponsive husband onto the examination table.
A doctor walks into the room and begins examining her husband. He puts on a stethoscope, then gets out a sphygmomanometer and measures his blood pressure, nodding grimly as he takes the measurement. Then he uses this stethoscope to listen carefully to the husband's chest, then he gets out a tool and uses it to peer into the husband's eyes. Then he sighs, steps toward the woman and delivers his verdict.
"Madam, this man is dead. That will be fifty dollars, please."
"He's dead? Really? Are you sure?"
"Yes ma'am, he's definitely dead. Fifty dollars, please."
"But how can you be so sure? You haven't run any tests or anything."
The doctor sighs, goes to the back door of the room, and knocks on it twice. He opens the door, and a black Labrador retriever comes into the room and trots quickly up to the examination table.
The dog walks around the table, sniffing the husband thoroughly. He walks around the table twice, sniffing as he goes, and licks the man on his cheek. Then he looks down at the floor, gives off a soft, plaintive woof, and trots back through the door, which closes.
The doctor knocks on the door again, three times this time, and opens it. An orange-and-white cat comes in, walks to the table, and with a graceful leap lands on the husband.
The cat walks around on the husband's body, kneading and purring loudly. It walks up to the man's chest and flicks Its tongue out several times, lightly tasting the husband's neck. Then it lets out a sad meow and shakes its head slowly before jumping down and leaving the room. The doctor turns back to the woman.
"Yes, he's definitely dead. That will be $1,500, please.*
*$1,500?! I thought you said it was fifty bucks!"
"Yes, but that was before the Lab report and the cat scan. Those can be really expensive."
https://redd.it/1l46bsi
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A Tibetan man, an Indian man, a German man and a Maltese man die and go to purgatory
A Tibetan man, an Indian man, a German man and a Maltese man die and go to purgatory. And to pass the time, they begin discussing how they died.
The Tibetan man says "I was driving a truck in San Gwann, and as im driving I see a man just standing in the middle of the road, eating a box of chicken satay. And as a Tibetan I'm forbidden to kill any living creature, so I swerved into the other lane and a motorbike crashes into me. The bike gets stuck in my wheels so I can't turn. And I crash right into a petrol station, ignite a puddle of gasoline on the floor and the whole thing explodes."
The Indian guy says "Thats such a coincidence. I was in San Gwann, delivering chicken satay on Bolt Food. But when I got to the customer i realised my bag was unzipped and the chicken satay must have fallen somewhere in the road. As an Indian im very hard working so I drive back to find the chicken satay, and as im driving I see a man, standing in the middle of the road, eating the chicken satay. And im so distracted that i get hit by a truck, I get stuck under the wheels. The truck crashes into the petrol station, ignites a puddle of gasoline on the floor, and the whole thing explodes."
The German guy says "That's so crazy! I was in San Gwann at a petrol station. And there was a big puddle of gasoline on the floor. And as a German i cant stand a mess on the floor. So I get a towel to mop up the gasoline but I see a man, standing in the middle of the road, eating a box of chicken satay. And im so confused that i forget about the puddle. Suddenly this huge truck crashes into the petrol station, ignites the puddle of gasoline, and the whole thing explodes."
The Maltese guy has been very quiet, and doesnt seem to be listening to everyones stories. So they ask him, "how did you die?"
And the Maltese guy says "It was very strange. I was crossing the road in San Gwann, and I see a takeout box on the floor. And I open it, and its full of chicken satay. So I begin eating the chicken satay. And all of a sudden, a truck whizzes past me, hits a motorbike, the motorbike gets stuck in the wheels, the truck crashes into a petrol station, ignites a puddle of gasoline, and the whole thing explodes."
And the other guys ask "But then how did you die?"
And the Maltese guy says "Im allergic to peanuts"
https://redd.it/1l3zsa4
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A Scottish soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."
https://redd.it/1l3kgww
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A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
https://redd.it/1l3msey
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The Garden
John is in prison and he gets a letter from his father, who is getting up in years. His father says he doesn't know how he's going to prepare the garden this year without his son's help.
John knows his mail is being monitored at the prison, so he writes back to his Dad and tells him, whatever you do, don't dig up the back yard.
The next day a bunch of cops show up and dig up the whole yard, looking for the missing money, but they never find a thing.
John then writes to his Dad and tells him to go ahead and plant the garden. "It's the best I could do under the circumstances."
https://redd.it/1l3d1xm
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"Mrs Green? It's the hospital. Your little boy has been hit by a bus, but don't worry"
"He had clean underwear on".
https://redd.it/1l2ydp5
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Pirate joke I thought of in the shower
"Why couldn't the Captain set sail with his lass on their Maiden voyage?"
>!\*He didn't have enough seamen\*!<
https://redd.it/1l2xp2w
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I used to date a woman who was a baroque music specialist. (true story)
She was a terrific singer, and also played the drum, lute, and traverso (a kind of baroque flute).
Often she would be called for sessions where she had to sing and record all three instruments together. These sessions were often very long and demanding, and she'd always come home exhausted and in a bad mood.
One night, she came home after one such session, obviously pissed off and tired. My friend, who was over with me gaming, asked, "Wow, what's up with Rachel?"
I said "She's fine. She just finished her minstrel cycle."
https://redd.it/1l2qa6p
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The pope is on an airplane working on a crossword puzzle.
He asks his neighbor: “What’s a 4 letter word for a woman that ends in UNT?”
“Well,” says the neighbor, “that would have to be AUNT.”
The pope then asks: “Do you have an eraser?”
https://redd.it/1l2i7ac
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A man rents a room.
He pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day.
So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal white bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.
When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.
The next day, she makes two sandwiches (turkey this time), and adds a container of salad, some crackers and peanut butter, and a slice of cake.
That night, he told her most apologetically that while the food was delicious, he found himself still hungry, and could she possibly put in a little more tomorrow?
The next day, she uses long slices of sourdough bread to construct a pair of huge sandwiches, and includes crackers, peanut butter, chips and dip, veggies and ranch dressing, and a whole 2-litre bottle of soda.
That night, he smiles very kindly, and tells her it was almost enough food.
The next day - throwing caution to the wind, and idly wondering if she's feeding his entire workplace - she cuts a loaf of bread in half and stuffs it with pounds of meat and cheese, an entire head of lettuce, tomatoes, onions, other vegetables, sauces: everything!
That night, he gives her a dry look and says, "So, I see we're back down to one sandwich?"
https://redd.it/1l296gv
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I was in Germany walking my dog when all of a sudden the little shit jumped into the lake
My dog thought it was shallow water but it was actually very deep and started to drown. I called for help, for someone to save my dog. Then a German came and jumped into the lake saving my little poodle.
Once he climbed out of the lake he handed me my dog and said, "here is ze dog, keep hi, warm and dry him off and and he vill be fine".
Thanking the nice man, I ask him, "are you a vet".
To which he responded, "vet? ma'am I am fucking soaked"
https://redd.it/1l1vu88
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A bunch of redditors get together and purchase a ride on a submarine that will cruise the deep sea, searching for the mythical "girlfriend fish".
Legend has it, she laughs at all your jokes and loves you right, if you're funny.
They all want their shot, but its an hour long dive. To pass the time, they start telling each other jokes. In fact, because everything on the sub is coin operated, they make a game out of it.
For each good, original joke told, the teller gets a penny. For each bad or unoriginal joke, they lose a penny. The person with the most pennies at the end gets to catch the first girlfriend fish with the penny-operated net!
One man goes first, and tells a joke about potheads being ridiculous, but everyone thinks it's unrealistic, and so he gets no pennies.
Another goes, telling a pun laden joke about llamas. The other redditors think the pun is lazy, and so he gets no pennies.
This goes on for some time but in the end, no one has any pennies and they're all getting nasty toward each other.
Then, the captain of the sub calls out over the intercom that the girlfriend fish has been spotted! He rushes into the back, telling everyone to man their stations to catch her. As they do, a school of girlfriend fish - beautiful and free - swims past.
But there they go, swimming on by. The captain, confused, cries out, "Why did no one launch the nets? They only cost a penny! Don't you all want girlfriends that think you're funny?"
And the first man, head low, says, "Of course we do captain, but no one on this sub has any cents of humor."
https://redd.it/1l1mmgc
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A woman walks into a store and asks the clerk for four D-cell batteries.
The clerk waggled his finger and said, "Come this way." The lady replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D-cell batteries".
https://redd.it/1l1jt4q
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A little girl wanted to take her dog for a walk around the block...
...so she asked her mother.
Her mother said, "No, sweetie, she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the girl.
"Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?" her busy mother replied.
So the girl went to her father in the garage and asked him, "I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she's in heat and to ask you about it."
Her father took a clean rag, poured some 2-stroke lawnmower fuel on it, then gently rubbed the dog's tail and butt with it to disguise the scent.
"Now you can take her for a walk," he said, "Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine."
The little girl skipped happily away with Lulu trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returned with an empty leash, and no dog.
Concerned, her dad asked, "Where’s Lulu, sweetie?"
"She ran out of gas halfway around the block," his daughter told him, "So the neighbour's dog is giving her a push home."
https://redd.it/1l1d9jr
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