1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Joe goes to a fortune teller and she tells him he'll have unspeakable grief in 12 years.
He was feeling pretty down when he left, so he got a puppy to cheer himself up.
https://redd.it/1m0sxud
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Free Sex with Fill-Up!
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Liam pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Liam guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Liam, along with his friend Finley, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Liam guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Finley said to Liam, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."
Liam replied, "No, it's genuine enough Finley. My wife won twice last week."
https://redd.it/1m0pyqz
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Finally after eleven years I nervously popped the question, and she made me the happiest man on Earth by saying yes
We start divorce proceedings tomorrow.
https://redd.it/1m0iprs
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A Chinese man and woman gets married
As they go into the bedroom on their wedding night, the woman gets undressed and nervously gets under the sheets.
"What's wrong?" the husband asks.
The wife replies "I'm just nervous. This will be my first time and I don't know what to expect from you."
The husband replies "you don't have to be afraid of me. I'll only do what you want. So tell me what would you like to do now and that's what I'll do?"
The wife says "well all my friends talk about 69. They all say that I'll love 69 and there's nothing like 69. So what I want is number 69."
The confused husband replies "you want the garlic chicken with snowpeas?"
https://redd.it/1m08urj
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Village without Women
So, I took a job in this village where I heard there were no women. I didn't believe it at first, but when I got there, I asked one of the locals, "Is it true, no women here?"
He goes, "Yep, no women." I was shocked, like, "What do you guys do when you need to, you know, handle things?"
He points to the river and says, "Well, there's a donkey at the end of the river if you need it."
I just laughed it off, tried to ignore him. But from my house, I could actually see the donkey. After months in the village, the donkey was starting to look kinda... I dunno, attractive.
One day, a few guys were heading toward the donkey and they asked if I wanted to come.
So I'm thinking, I guess this is just how things are done here, and I said, "Sure, why not!"
We get to the donkey, I start unbuttoning my pants, and one of the guys yells, "HEY! What are you doing?!"
Confused, I go, "Aren't we... you know, doing the thing with the donkey?"
He looks at me like I'm crazy and says, "Dude, we're gonna ride the donkey to the next village where there are women!"
https://redd.it/1lzql1b
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A 15 yo boy comes home with a Porsche
A 15-year-old comes home with a Porsche, and his parents flip out. “Where did you get that car?” they shout.
He calmly responds, “I bought it today.”
“With WHAT money!?” his parents demand. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” the boy says, “this one cost me fifteen bucks.”
The parents freak out even more. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!”
The boy shrugs and says, “The lady up the street. Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me biking past and asked if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” his mom gasps. “She must be crazy! John, you go up there and see what’s going on!”
So the dad heads up the street, finds the lady planting flowers in her yard, and introduces himself as the father of the boy who bought the Porsche for fifteen bucks. He demands to know why she did it.
She calmly replies, “Well, this morning I got a call from my husband, who I thought was on a business trip. Turns out, he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary. She stole all his money and left him stranded there!
So, he calls me, broke, asking me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So, that’s exactly what I did.” 😅
https://redd.it/1lzxc6s
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The Angel of Death said, "I've come for you."
The man replied, "Why? I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm healthy!"
The angel said, "You left your phone at home without locking it, and your wife found it."
Man: "Alright then... let's go."
https://redd.it/1lzkn75
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I went to the doctor for my prostate exam.
I took down my pants and he put the gloves on. He said “it’s normal to get an erection at times like this“.
I said I don’t have an erection.
He said “well I do”.
https://redd.it/1lz9rj4
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Linda was well over thirty, but still completely flat-chested.
Despite her low self-esteem, she had dared to go out to a pub on a Saturday night.
Suddenly, a handsome guy appeared next to her and asked: “Why do you look so sad?”
“Well,” Linda answered honestly, “it's because my chest looks like a newborn baby girl’s.”
“Then I think we should stick together tonight,” he said, “because my package looks like a newborn baby boy’s.”
Later that evening, they went home to his place.
She sat on the edge of the bed while he undressed. When his underwear came off, Linda just sat there, staring in disbelief.
“But… you told me you looked like a newborn baby boy down there?”
“I do,” he said. “Twenty-one inches and eight pounds, six ounces!”
https://redd.it/1lz8978
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Paying Guest
A man, about 80, goes to his doctor for a checkup because he is planning to get married.
After congratulations and a clean bill of health, the doctor asks about his fiancee. The old man shows him a photo of a very beautiful, mid-twenties young lady.
Thinking his patient might not be able to keep up with the physical stress of married life, he says, "I think you should consider getting a paying guest to keep your wife company while you have your regular naps."
The patient agrees.
Months later, the doctor bumps into the old man and asks, "How is married life?"
The patient says, "Congratulate me, doctor. My wife is pregnant."
The doctor congratulates him, and asks, "And did you take my advice about the paying guest?"
"I certainly did, doctor. Thank you for that advice."
"I see it worked out then," said the doctor, trying hard to hide his smile.
"Oh yes, it did. She's pregnant too."
https://redd.it/1lyvtun
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I locked myself out of my hotel room… naked
I was on a business trip, staying at this nice hotel. Middle of the night, I wake up sweaty — AC’s busted.
I sleep completely naked. Like “no pockets, no problem” naked.
I crack the door just to feel the hallway air. It’s 3 a.m. No one's around.
I step out for one second.
Click.
Door locks behind me. I’m standing there: no key, no phone, no pants, no plan.
I panic. Try the handle like it’ll magically forgive me. Nope.
I end up running to the emergency phone, covering my bits like a low-budget action movie.
Front desk guy answers:
“Hello, how can I help you?”
“Yeah, I’m locked out of my room. 1207.”
“Name, please?”
I say, “Sir, I’m NAKED in your hallway. If someone else is claiming to be me right now—let them. They clearly need it more.
https://redd.it/1lyshzy
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God is speaking to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden
He says to Adam, "Sence you were born first you get the option. You can either pee standing up, or-"
Adam immediately interrupts and says "Oh holy shit, I want to pee standing up. That sounds awesome."
God says "But... You haven't heard the other option?"
"I don't care. I want to pee standing up. So convenient and awesome."
God sighs.... "Ok... Well Eve, I guess you get multiple orgasms."
https://redd.it/1lykm30
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I can't believe how well I'm accepting my husband's small manhood.
I didn't know I had it in me.
https://redd.it/1lyd0r4
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At a meeting, the corporate manager told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except for one guy.
“Didn’t you understand my joke?” the manager asked him.
“Oh, I understood it, but I resigned yesterday.”
https://redd.it/1ly051u
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A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
https://redd.it/1ly17uu
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A 7-year-old & 4-year-old are in their bedroom.
“You know what,” says the 7-year-old,
“I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you.”
“OK,” says the 4-year-old.
Mum asks the 7-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
“I’ll have Coco Pops, bitch.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, crying his eyes out.
Mum looks at the 4-year-old and says sternly,
“And what do you want?”
“Dunno, but it won’t be the bloody Coco Pops.”
https://redd.it/1m0prlp
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[Long Joke] A dead body was found in the lake.
The police found a wallet with the body. They found that the wallet belonged to a certain Mr. Brown. But they were still not sure if the dead body was of Mr. Brown.
After searching the database for Mr. Brown, they found out about the twin brothers Harry and Larry, who were very close friends with Mr. Brown. They were summoned. At first the police showed them the wallet and asked them if that belonged to Mr. Brown. They said yes.
The police further asked them if there was any other detail by which they could 100% verify if the corpse was of Brown or not. They asked to see ass of the corpse. The police were surprised, but agreed.
After having a close look at the ass, they shouted in unison, "This is definitely not Brown! he had two assholes not one".
The inspector asked them, "How is that even possible? Did you see his ass when he was alive?"
They said, "We have never actually seen his ass, but every time when we went out with Brown, someone would always say : Here comes Mr. Brown and his two assholes".
https://redd.it/1m0jzm5
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An alcoholic dies and goes to heaven
The Lord welcomes him, but the alcoholic drops on his knees and starts begging the Lord to send him back to Earth.
“Please I have to go back and finish my drink, please send me back in any way you can”
The Lord sends him back, but when he returns to Earth, he finds himself as a spider on the ceiling, hanging above his unfinished glass.
“You are now a spider. Squeeze hard and you can rappel yourself down to your drink”
The alcoholic starts squeezing hard. He drops down a foot, then two feet. He is squeezing with all his might and he is almost there…
Just as he’s about to reach the drink, he is jolted awake by another man.
“Vasily, wake up. You’ve shit yourself”
https://redd.it/1m08efr
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A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind. She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, disgusting blast.
The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.
"Um ... do you have a transfer ticket?" she finally asks.
"No, I don't," he replies. "But when we pass the next tree, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves."
https://redd.it/1m06qb8
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Two men were washed ashore during WWI.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.
To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks.
The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.
The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?"
The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
https://redd.it/1lzsicm
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[NSFW] Sex On The Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or pleasure. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex"?
So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply, "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath"!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely pleasure."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work"?
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it."
https://redd.it/1lzqei6
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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much fucking bread?"
https://redd.it/1lzh64k
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Young woman gets tired of guys her age who couldn't afford any nice restaurants.
She was in her mid 20s and wanted to be wined and dined. She goes to a high-end bar that catered to an older crowd. She meets a man who was a bit older than her original target but he made her laugh and was saying all the right things so when he asked if she wanted to go to dinner at a nearby expensive restaurant, she agreed. They get into his expensive sports car and he burns rubber pulling away from the bar. He took every turn so fast that the tires squealed. When they get to the restaurant, he asks her "What do you think?" She answers "I bet you're hard on tires." He replies "I bet it doesn't."
https://redd.it/1lza015
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[NSFW] My granddad
My granddad said "It's going to be horrendous on the roads this weekend, snow is forecast".
"Tell me something I don't know" I replied.
"I can get my whole fist up your Nanna's arse" he said .
https://redd.it/1lz2ij2
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A little 10-year-old girl was walking home alone from school one day!
A little 10-year-old girl was walking home alone from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulled up beside her.
After following her for a while, he turned to her and asked, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, “Hey little girl, I’ll give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” she replies and hurries down the street.
One last time, the man tries again:
“Okay kid, final offer - I’ll give you $20 and a big bag of candy if you’ll just hop on the back and we’ll go for a ride.”
The little girl finally stops, turns, and screams,
“LOOK, DAD! You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley… YOU RIDE IT!!”
https://redd.it/1lyvrjx
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My over weight friend had a heart attack while he orgasmed....
People said he had it coming.
https://redd.it/1lyaic0
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One day while he was building a barn
a cowboy lost his favorite book.
A week later, one of his horses came up to him holding the book in its mouth.
The cowboy was stunned. He took the book from the horse and said, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not exactly,” said the horse. “Your name is written inside.”
https://redd.it/1lyhsj8
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Starting a new website for d*ck pics
It's called OnlyGlans
https://redd.it/1ly81g0
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A Boeing 777 was lumbering along at just under 500 mph.
A Boeing 777 was lumbering along at just under 500 mph at 33,000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
The young F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state-of-the-art radio that is part of his state-of-the-art 3D & million dollar headset, the younger pilot told the 777 pilot,
“Hey, Captain, watch this.”
He promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep, unimaginable vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, screaming down before leveling at almost sea level
The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that.
The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this.”
The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at a steady 498 mph and then the 777 pilot came back on the radio and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled and said,
“I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five-star hotel paid for by the company.”
https://redd.it/1ly2qbu
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my doctor told me i have a rare condition that causes my anus to produce sugar
i asked: "is that a thing?"
he said: "you bet your sweet ass it is!"
https://redd.it/1lxvi5p
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