1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
3 nuns are standing at the gates of heaven, St Peter says they'll be allowed in if they can each answer a single question
He turns to the first num and asks "who was the first man on earth"?
"Adam" she replies. Trumpets sound, the sky lights up, and the gates open for her to enter.
St Peter turns to the 2nd nun and asks "Who was the first woman on earth"?
"Eve" she replies. Trumpets sound, the sky lights up, and the gates open for her to enter.
He turns to the 3rd nun.
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam"?
The num bites her lip, and says "Hmm... That's a hard one..."
Trumpets sound, the sky lights up, and the gates open for her to enter.
https://redd.it/1m40iha
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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer
A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act and the mermaid swims away.
The billionaire is stunned, and anchors his yacht there to see if it happens again. Sure enough, the next afternoon, the lighthouse keeper comes out, blows on a conch shell, and a gorgeous blonde merman with the bottom half of a swordfish swims up, and thoroughly satisfies him.
The next day this happens again! This time he blows on a different conch and the mermaid is a petite brunette with the bottom half of a seahorse.
The billionaire decides he must have this, and every night for the next two weeks, he scours the local bars to find the lighthouse keeper. He finally runs him down at a fisherman's bar and sits down next to him.
"I'll give you a million dollars if you tell me how you get those mermaids to come up to you. Only the female ones, though, I'm prejudiced."
"No," says the lighthouse keeper "it's too difficult and dangerous, and I don't want the liability"
"Two million dollars and a waiver" says the billionaire.
"Fine" says the lighthouse keeper, and they handle the paperwork.
"Okay, here's what you do. You learn to hold your breath for five minutes, and go to the rock pool behind the lighthouse. Stay underwater for five minutes without any help, and a mermaid will be impressed and swim up and give you a conch. And that's how you get Seahorse Julie."
"Too hard!" says the billionaire. "What else do you have?"
" Get really good at swimming in the open ocean. At exactly midnight, leave from the lighthouse shore, and swim due east for exactly four miles, without your GPS watch, and a mermaid will be impressed and give you a conch. That's how you get Tiger shark Alice. "
" Too complicated!" fumes the billionaire, "Try again! "
"Fine, here's an easy but gross one" says the lighthouse keeper. "Go to the chicken farm three miles north of here and ask for their sickliest chicken. Pluck it, and then soak it in their sewage runoff for a day. Then grind it up into a smoothie, let it ferment for two days, and then go onto the bow of your yacht and chug it at high noon. That's how..."
"At last!" shouts the billionaire, and rushes off to get the chicken. Three days later, he's standing on the pointy end of his yacht, holding his nose and drinking a greyish pink smoothie.
And that's how he got Salmon Ella.
https://redd.it/1m3wirg
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"55 northern 9th" the guy was told, "best blowjob ever." So he goes there.
"How much is it please?" he asks the girl. "That's 500 for the handjob and 1500 for the blowjob." The man frowns a bit and says "You know i was told you were first class but..."
"I know" she smiles and pulls him over to a window. "You see that gas station over there? The small houses and the laundry? It's all mine, because of my handjobs." The man looks at her, impressed, and she leads him to another window.
"You see that supermarket and the parking lot? The motel and apartment complex? That's also mine, because of my blowjobs." The man nods, fully overwhelmed and hands her the 2000.
"But, one thing" he says "i'm really curious now. What does pussy cost?" She points to another window. "That airport over there, the hotels and these 40 storied..." "I got it!" the man got it, waving a hand and goes: "All yours because of your pussy!" Her face darkens a bit, she slightly shakes her head and says: "No, what i mean is, it would be mine. If i had a pussy."
https://redd.it/1m3ikbh
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A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven.
Upon entering heaven, he sees two lines leading to the pearly gates: the free will line, and the predestination line. Naturally he goes to the predestination line.
While waiting in queue, an angel comes up to him and asks, “Why are you in the predestination line?”
“Well,” the man answers, “I’m a Calvinist, so I believe in predestination.”
“If you picked the predestination line, you’ve actually made a free-will choice, so you actually belong in the free will line.”
“Oh okay, apologies for my mistake.” And he gets out of the predestination line and goes into the free will line.
A few minutes later, another angel comes up to him and asks, “What on earth are you doing in the free will line as a Calvinist?”
“I dunno, some angel said I was supposed to be here; it’s like it was predestined to happen or something.”
https://redd.it/1m3exis
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A teacher and his engineering students were given free plane tickets to go on a field trip.
Once they were all on the plane, the captain announced that the plane they were on had been built by the students. All of the students immediately ran out of the plane, but the teacher stayed behind.
When the captain asked the teacher why he didn't run, the teacher said, "I know the ability of my students very well. This plane wouldn't even start."
https://redd.it/1m3b2do
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The chairman of a big company found his car wouldn’t start, so he called the car pool
A cheerful voice answered, “Car pool!”
The chairman said, “What cars do you have available?”
The voice replied, “Well, we’ve got vans for the factory runs, Mondeos for the sales team, BMWs for the directors… And one big fancy Mercedes for Fatty, our chairman.”
The chairman said, sharply, “Do you know who you are speaking to?”
“No,” the voice replied.
“This is your chairman.”
Another pause.
Then the voice calmly said, “…Do you know who YOU’RE speaking to?”
“No,” said the chairman.
“Good,” said the voice. “So long, Fatty.”
https://redd.it/1m31eu8
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Cop: “We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor guy for no reason at all.
What should we charge him with?”
Desk sergeant: “Impersonating a police officer.”
https://redd.it/1m2smwe
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Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting in a sauna only covered by a towel.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. ‘That was my pager,’ she said. ‘I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.’
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, ‘That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said… ‘Well, will you look at that…
I’m getting a fax!!!’
https://redd.it/1m2oct3
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I watch porn for the same reason I watch travel documentaries
To see amazing/exotic sights that I know I will never visit........
https://redd.it/1m244wn
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They say that if you rest one of your balls on the top of an empty beer bottle and heat the base of the bottle with a lighter, the ball will eventually be sucked inside.
If anyone has successfully reversed this process, can you please let me know. It's quite urgent.
https://redd.it/1m253fg
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"What's your name, boy?" Cop asked the young man.
"P-p-p-pet-pet-Peter, Sir" He replied.
"Do you have a stutter?" Asked the Cop kindly.
He answered "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out my Birth Certificate was an asshole."
https://redd.it/1m20gn8
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A woman was waiting to board a bus when she realized her skirt was too tight.
A woman was waiting to board a bus when she realized her skirt was too tight to lift her leg high enough to step onto the first step.
Feeling a bit self-conscious, she smiled at the bus driver and reached behind to unzip her skirt slightly, hoping to create enough slack to step up.
However, her first attempt failed. With another polite smile, she tried unzipping her skirt a little more, but still, she couldn't manage the step.
Frustrated yet determined, she gave it one last try, unzipping her skirt even further in hopes of finally getting on the bus.
At this point, a large Texan man standing behind her gently picked her up by the waist and placed her on the first step of the bus.
Shocked and outraged, the woman spun around and yelled, "How dare you touch me! I don’t even know who you are!"
The Texan, unfazed, tipped his hat with a grin and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I’d agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I figured we must be friends."
https://redd.it/1m1sztx
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A boy turns to his grandfather and says "I bet you $20 I can put that earthworm back in the hole it just crawled from"
The grandfather laughs and says "the worm is much too wriggly and the hole is far too small, but sure, I'll take your bet".
The boy runs inside the house and returns with a can of hairspray. After lying the worm straight and showering it with the hairspray, it the worm is stiff enough for the boy to easily slide it into the hole in the ground.
The grandfather smiles and shakes his head while handing the boy his $20, and heads in the house.
A while later he returns, and hands the boy $50.
The boy looks at it confused, then says "grandpa, you already paid me, and the bet was only for $20".
The grandpa smiles wide and informs the boy "indeed, that $50 is from grandma".
https://redd.it/1m1lgud
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A Geordie was so devoted to his pet dog that when it died
he wanted it commemorated in the form of a gold statue.
So he went to a local jeweller’s shop and asked: “Can ya make me a gold statue of ma dog?”
“Certainly, sir,” said the jeweller. “Would you like it eighteen carat?”
“No, daft lad, I want it chewin’ a bone.”
https://redd.it/1m16gbj
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[NSFW] A drunk and a priest
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began to read.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be darned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.
The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized.
“I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
https://redd.it/1m0ykwj
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A couple of guys are at the bar. The first guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the mailman."
"What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?"
"That's right," says the first guy.
"Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"
https://redd.it/1m3zf3d
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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.
I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
https://redd.it/1m3u0xk
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time!
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
https://redd.it/1m3mn69
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"Mom, how did we get rich?"
"Your dad hugged a HR lady at a Coldplay concert and i got 50% from the divorce."
https://redd.it/1m31ni9
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I told my girlfriend I was leaving her.
"Is it because I make fun of your little willy?" she asked.
"Not really," I told her, "I've just never been that into you."
https://redd.it/1m324no
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A woman with a passion for gardening was growing increasingly frustrated.
A woman with a passion for gardening was growing increasingly frustrated. No matter what she did, her tomatoes just wouldn’t turn red.
One afternoon, while walking past her neighbor’s garden, she couldn’t help but admire the vibrant, perfectly red tomatoes hanging from the plants. Curiosity got the better of her, and she stopped to ask, “Your tomatoes are amazing! How do you get them to turn so red?”
The neighbor chuckled and said, “It’s simple. Twice a day, I stand in front of my tomato plants and... expose myself. The tomatoes get so embarrassed, they turn red!”
The woman laughed but decided she had nothing to lose. For the next two weeks, she tried the unconventional method, faithfully exposing herself to her tomato plants morning and evening.
One day, the neighbor stopped by, grinning. “Well,” he asked, “did my trick work? Are your tomatoes red yet?”
The woman sighed and shook her head. “Not quite...
but my cucumbers are absolutely enormous!”
https://redd.it/1m2of8u
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A blonde woman was driving along the highway!
A blonde woman was driving along the highway, about two hours outside San Diego, when she saw a man waving her down. His truck was parked on the shoulder, clearly broken down.
As she rolled down her window, the man approached and asked, “Are you headed to San Diego?”
“Sure am,” she replied.
“Great! I don’t need a ride for myself—I’ll be stuck here fixing my truck for hours. But I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back, and they need to get to the San Diego Zoo. They’re already stressed, and I don’t want to keep them waiting. Could you take them for me? I’ll pay you $200 for the trouble.”
The blonde thought for a moment and said, “Sure, I’d be happy to help.”
The man carefully loaded the chimpanzees into the back seat of her car, strapped them in with seat belts, and handed her the cash. Off she went, heading toward the zoo.
About five hours later, the man’s truck was finally fixed, and he was driving through downtown San Diego when he spotted a scene that made his jaw drop.
There was the blonde, walking down the street hand-in-hand with the two chimps. A huge crowd had gathered, laughing and snapping photos.
He slammed on the brakes, jumped out of his truck, and ran over to her. “What are you doing?” he yelled. “I gave you $200 to take those chimpanzees to the zoo!”
“I did!” she said, smiling. “But we had money left over, so now we’re going to Sea World!”
https://redd.it/1m2oe1b
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During the second World War, two allied soldiers were captured for interrogation by the Germans and sent to the prison camp Luft Stalag 13
The Nazi interrogator, a thin man with wide menacing eyes and a sadistic grin, looked upon the two men, an American and a Scotsman, both large and strong looking men. The interrogator looked between them and picked the Scotsman to interrogate first, believing him to be the weaker of the two. He had him brought into the other room, and closed the steel door with an ominous click of the lock.
The American listened closely through the wall, and heard:
"How did you get here?!" (SMACK!) (Pained groan)
"Did you come by boat?!" (SMACK!) (Pained groan)
"Did you come by air?!" (SMACK!) (Pained groan)
"How many are in your unit?!" (SMACK!) (Pained groan)
"Where is your radio transmitter?!" (SMACK!) (Pained groan)
"Will you stop hitting me while I'm trying to interrogate you!?" (SMACK!) (Pained groan)
https://redd.it/1m2j55y
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I recently had to see a proctologist because I was experiencing a sharp pain in my arse
During the exam, the doctor asked,
"Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"
I said,
"It's really painful right near the entrance."
He paused, looked at me, and said,
"Let’s stop calling it an entrance for a couple of weeks and see if the pain goes away."
https://redd.it/1m289ud
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A young mother gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.
But he was born without eyelids.
The doctor advised her, "Don't worry madam, we haven't circumcised him yet, so we'll use the leftover skin to give him a set of eyelids, and he will be as good as new."
With a horrified look, she turned to the doc and said: "What? He'll be cock-eyed and when he's old enough to go to school, the other kids will call him 'dick-face'!"
Smiling, the doctor re-assured her: "I doubt anyone will notice. It's a perfectly painless procedure performed by professional plastic surgeons, with a 99.9% proven success rate. Just think of the foresight he'll have."
https://redd.it/1m1ylqq
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him!
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the feckin trigger!"
https://redd.it/1m1swf7
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As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried "Don't touch me! I can't take the pain! I won't make it! Don't! CAN'T! WON'T!!"
"Hurry, driver!" I exclaimed. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
https://redd.it/1m1j04z
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A woman in a supermarket watched as a grandfather struggled to control his badly behaved grandson.
The child screamed for sweets, biscuits, and other treats. Despite the child’s outbursts, the grandfather remained calm and composed, saying, “Easy, William, we won’t be long now… easy, boy.” After another outburst, the grandfather calmly said, “It’s okay William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there boy.” At the checkout, the child threw items out of the cart. The grandfather again spoke calmly, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We will be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” After witnessing this, the woman approached the grandfather and complimented him on his patience. “William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.” The old man looked startled for a second, then turned and said, “Oh no, my name is William, this little bitch is Kevin.”
https://redd.it/1m1e3qh
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A teenage boy was playing in his room on his computer when his grandfather came in and sat on the bed.
“I know you love your computer,” said the grandfather, “but you really should get out of the house more and experience life. After all, you’re eighteen now. When I was eighteen, I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!”
A week later, the grandfather came to visit again. He found the boy still in his room, but this time with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and no front teeth.
“What happened to you?” he asked.
The boy said: “I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and he beat the hell out of me!”
“Oh dear!” said the grandfather. “Who did you go with?”
“Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?”
“The Third Panzer Division.”
https://redd.it/1m19iud
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My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a women's prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.
I guess it just gives us some scents of perp puss.
https://redd.it/1m0wgyu
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