1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
My girlfriend asked me to roleplay as a cheater, so I said okay.
Right before we started, a guy came out of the closet and started beating the shit out of me.
https://redd.it/1m786u2
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What do you call a paper airplane that doesn't fly?
Stationery
https://redd.it/1m6jmui
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the pope's secretary rings him:
"your eminence, excuse me for bothering you, but i have some good news & some bad news to share. which one would you like to hear first?"
the pope answers "well let's have the good news first"
"jesus has returned & he's holding for you on line 1."
the pope cries out "well that's stupendous news! just wonderful! what on earth could be bad news after learning that?!?"
"he's calling from salt lake city."
https://redd.it/1m6vc1x
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A Wife Asks a Question to Her Husband
She asks him “If I die, will you remarry?” The Husband replies, “Well it’s certainly possible”. The wife then asks “But would you guys stay in this same house?” The Husband says “Well I mean it is paid off, so it would make sense”. Then she asks, “Would she sleep in our bed with you?” He replies, “Well it’s a pretty new bed and in good condition so maybe”. The Wife finally asks “Would she use my golf clubs too?” The Husband answers “Oh no of course not, she’s left handed”.
https://redd.it/1m6oh3c
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A boy comes home from school at 7pm
His dad says "where were you? "I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?" "We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're doughnuts."
https://redd.it/1m6e2h4
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.”
“Good. So what comes after eight?”
“Nine,” answered Johnny.
“And what comes after nine?”
“Ten.”
“And what comes after ten?”
“The jack.”
https://redd.it/1m67d19
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A man is doing 20 over the speed limit on the highway when a cop pulls him over.
The man rolls his window down as the cop approaches, who says, "Sir, any reason you're driving so fast?"
"Well," the guy says, "I've recently decided to try beekeeping, and I need to get the bees in my trunk home A.S.A.P."
The officer squints. "You have bees in your trunk?"
"I'm still new to bee keeping, sir. I didn't know where else to put them," he says.
In disbelief, the cop says, "You're lying. Pop the trunk."
"Do I have to?" the guy asks.
"Do it or I'm writing you up for reckless driving *and* obstruction," the officer says.
So the man pops the trunk.
A thick cloud of angry wasps explodes out. The cop makes a break for it as they swarm him, and as he flees he cries, "You said you had *bees!*"
And the guy leans out his window and goes, "Those aren't bees!?"
https://redd.it/1m5zkbq
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The boss was confused when one of his most reliable employees didn’t show up for work.
The boss was confused when one of his most reliable employees didn’t show up for work—and hadn’t called in either. With a pressing issue on his hands, he decided to phone the employee’s home.
A soft little voice answered: “Hello.”
“Hi there,” the boss said kindly. “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the child.
“Can I speak with him?”
“No.”
“Hmm… is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“Can I talk to her?”
“No.”
Now growing concerned, the boss asked, “Is anyone else there?”
“Yes… a policeman.”
“Can I speak with him?”
“No, he’s busy,” the child whispered.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Mommy and Daddy… and the fireman.”
Now the boss was really alarmed. “What’s that sound in the background?” he asked.
“A helicopter.”
“What on earth is going on over there?!”
The child paused, then giggled softly and whispered…
“The search team just landed the helicopter.”
The boss, completely stunned, asked, “What are they searching for?”
“Me!”
https://redd.it/1m5patq
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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic..
But I refused, If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord
https://redd.it/1m5haep
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A 50yo Woman Goes in for Cancer Surgery
On the table, she begins to pray,
"Dear Lord, please let me get through the surgery all right."
She hears that voice, "Don't worry my child, you will live to be 87yo."
She is relieved.
The Doctor comes in and asks, "Are you ready?"
She says, "Hey Doc, since you got me on the table, give me the works. New breasts, suck out this gut and put it in my ass, smooth out my eyes, give me high cheek bones, fuller lips, round off my nose and smooth out my face."
Doc says, "Sure thing, we got you."
The surgery is a success. After a few days of recovery, she feels great. She is discharged from the hospital. She starts to walk across the street to the parking lot to get in her car when, BAM, she is flattened by a bus
She gets to heaven and is brought before God.
"Hey!" she says, "I thought you said I was going to live to be 87yo."
"Oh!" says God, "I didn't recognize you."
https://redd.it/1m58j74
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A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.
He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.
She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said,
"Explain the kids!"
https://redd.it/1m55awf
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Interviewer: "How much amount of milk does your cow produce?". Farmer: "Which one, black one or white one?"
Interviewer: Black one
Farmer: 2 liters per day.
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: 2 liters per day.
Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The black one or the White one?
Interviewer: The black one
Farmer: In the Barn
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: In the Barn
Interviewer: Your cows look healthy...What do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one, the black one or the white one?
Interviewer: Black one
Farmer: Grass
Interviewer: And the white one
Farmer: Grass
Interviewer: (**Getting Annoyed**) But why do you keep on asking if black one or white one when answers are just the same??
Farmer: Because the black one is mine
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: It's also mine.
https://redd.it/1m4v8zl
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One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.
The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better
https://redd.it/1m4mh3i
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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”
“Oh,” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
https://redd.it/1m4gabi
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I was asked (in front of my girlfriend) what I would have done in the position of the CEO at the Coldplay concert. I said I'd never be in that situation!
I mean.... Coldplay?
https://redd.it/1m3y126
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A married couple were shopping in the supermarket
when the husband picked up a crate of Budweiser and put it in the trolley.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“They’re on offer – only $25 for twelve cans,” he explained.
“Put them back,” she demanded. “We can’t afford it.”
A few aisles later, she picked up a $50 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the husband indignantly.
“It’s my face cream,” she said. “It makes me look beautiful.”
He said: “So do twelve cans of Bud and they’re half the price!”
https://redd.it/1m728vq
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A woman was telling her neighbour about the supermarket that had opened recently on the outskirts of town.
“It’s very state of the art and designed to make shopping a natural and relaxing experience.
It has an automatic water mister to keep all the fruit fresh.
Just before it switches on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and smell the aroma of fresh rain.
As you approach the milk aisle, you hear cows mooing and there’s the scent of fresh hay.
As you approach the eggs, you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the delicious smell of bacon and eggs frying.
And the vegetable department features the aroma of fresh buttered corn.”
“It sounds wonderful,” enthused the neighbour.
“Yes, but I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.”
https://redd.it/1m6x41e
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I named her titties
Well I had to do it. I finally admitted that I named her titties.
Her left tit is called Juan and the right is called Jamal.
If I see Juan, I have to see Jamal.
https://redd.it/1m6o2g6
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Jesus and the old man...
Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man."What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.
"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago.""How did you lose him? What happened?"
"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back to life!"
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this really be his father?
"One last question: Are you by any chance a carpenter?"
"I am!"Jesus rushed forward and embraced the old man."Father, it is I! I've missed you!"
The old man smiled."I've missed you too, Pinocchio!"
https://redd.it/1m6eoeh
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I used to get random erections every day in middle school
That’s why I quit teaching
https://redd.it/1m6aiic
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The Madam opened the brothel door in New York
The Madam opened the brothel door in New York City and was greeted by a well-dressed, handsome man in his late 40s.
“May I help you, sir?” she asked.
“I want to see Rosie,” he replied.
She said, “Rosie is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you'd like to see someone else?”
“No,” he said. “I must see Rosie.”
Rosie appeared and told him, “I charge $10,000 a visit.”
Without hesitation, the man handed her the cash. They went upstairs. An hour later, he left.
The next night, he came back. Rosie was stunned - no one ever returned a second night at that price.
Still, he paid and went upstairs with her.
On the third night, he came again. Everyone was in shock. Again, he paid $10,000 and went upstairs.
Afterwards, Rosie asked, “No one’s ever done this. Where are you from?”
He replied, “Brooklyn.”
She said, “No way! I have family in Brooklyn!”
“I know,” he said. “Your sister passed away. I’m her lawyer. She asked me to deliver your $30,000 inheritance.”
https://redd.it/1m65gt4
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An engineer wakes up in hell and thinks to himself. I’ve been a good person. I shouldn’t be here.
He petitions a demon who checks and say yeah it was a mistake but tough luck, you're here now. So the engineer makes the best of it, installing a light rail system to haul rocks more efficiently, putting in elevators to make the ride up and down the work pits easier, and even installs an AC unit to bring to temperature down a 100 degrees or so. So word of this gets up to Heaven and an angel looks into it. He speaks with God and says, "God, there's an engineer down in Hell by mistake but the Devil won't send him up here instead. He says he's too useful down there and it's just tough luck!". God isn't having it and gets on the line with the Satan. The argue and argue and God isn't getting anywhere. Finally he snaps and yells, "You get that engineer up here right away or I'll slap a lawsuit on you so fast it'll make your tail spin!". "Ha!", replies Lucifer, "Right! Where are YOU going to find a lawyer!"
https://redd.it/1m5f7uq
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A guy picks up a woman at a bar. After a couple of drinks they go to his place...
Where after another couple of drinks they proceed into the bedroom, and start banging in the missionary position. Half an hour, an hour, two hours... She's already had multiple orgasms, when suddenly he pulls out, and says: "Okay, now you won't see me for a very long time." Disappointed, the woman asks: "Do I have to leave?" He goes: "No, turn around."
https://redd.it/1m5mop4
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As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."
"Last night was crazy." I replied.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome."
"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.
"No, she was out."
https://redd.it/1m5egv5
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A man rubs a magic lamp, and a genie appears.
"You get one wish," says the genie.
The man thinks and says:
"I’m scared of flying and boats. I wish for a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can drive there."
The genie rolls his eyes.
"Do you have any idea what you’re asking? That’s thousands of miles of ocean, structural engineering beyond belief, billions of tons of concrete and steel… come on, man. Wish for something else."
The man nods and says:
"Alright… then I wish to see the Epstein client list."
The genie pauses… swallows hard… and says:
"Two lanes or four on that bridge?"
https://redd.it/1m58se5
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A woman cheats on her husband
A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
That's all folks !!!
https://redd.it/1m52pum
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“Son, I found a condom in your room.”
“Hey, thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
https://redd.it/1m4riwi
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A tourist goes to a restaurant in Madrid and orders the special. When it comes, he asks what it is.
"These are cojones, Señor."
"What's that? What are cojones?"
"These are the testicles of the bull, the one which lost the bullfight this afternoon at the arena. Very good. Very good."
So he tries them, and they are pretty good. He finishes them up and the next day comes back to the same place and orders the same dish.
"What is this?"
"These are cojones, Señor. This is what you ordered."
"But they're so small. Yesterday they were so big!"
"Well, Señor...the bull does not always lose."
https://redd.it/1m4jhq2
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married five times?”
“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it."
"Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him!"
"But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!"
“Good,” said the lawyer, “but why?”
“You’re a lawyer!” she replies. “This time I know I’m going to get screwed.”
https://redd.it/1m4g9kn
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My BDSM society took me to court for not being hardcore enough.
I got off with just a slap on the wrist.
https://redd.it/1m47sgd
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