1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Did you hear they discovered a food that reduces a woman's sex drive by 80%?
It's called "wedding cake"
https://redd.it/1pibta5
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Björn, a Norwegian ventriloquist, is performing in a small fishing village.
His dummy perched on his knee, Björn starts right in with his dumb blonde routine, when a blonde woman sitting in the front row suddenly jumps up and proceeds to tear him a new one:
"I've had it up to \*here\* with your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think that you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? How does the color of a woman's hair have anything to do with her intelligence or her worth as a human being? Men like you keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. It's men like you who make other people think that blondes are dumb. You and your ilk continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonde women, but women in general, with your pathetic, unfunny jokes."
Mortified, Björn starts to apologize, but the blonde interrupts him, yelling "You keep out of this. I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
https://redd.it/1picgho
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Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years.
Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:
“Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration.
You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”
Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.
When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache.
As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life.
Maybe even a new wardrobe.
He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, Why not?
He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”
Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”
“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.
Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.
“How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.
Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”
“Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”
“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.
After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already.
Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”
“Sure,” Fred said.
The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”
Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”
The tailor shook his head and said:
“You can’t wear size 34.
Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”
https://redd.it/1pi4h0a
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“Sir, you can't bring 20 pounds of putrid animal flesh onto the flight. You'll have to leave it behind."
"Oh, that?" said the vulture. "That's just my carrion."
https://redd.it/1phvw0c
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First date. The guy has never been married before. The woman is divorced with kids but doesn’t want to reveal that information just yet. After a nice meal…
He: “Should we get a dessert?”
She: “If you want dessert, you are going to have to finish your vegetables first.”
https://redd.it/1phlz08
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Lesson learned - never get into an argument with a plastic surgeon.
I just got my ass handed to me.
https://redd.it/1ph945k
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A census worker knocks on a door
A 10 year old boy opens the door, in his hand is can of beer and between his teeth a fat cigar, well he is a little taken aback by this site and asked ”Are your Mom or Dad home” ?. The kid looks him up and down and says ”What the fuck do you think”.
Ba boom
https://redd.it/1pgvns1
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A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar
Sitting at different tables they both are starting to get drunk. After awhile the Jewish man walked over to the Chinese man and punched him right in the face.
Chinese man: "What the hell was that for!"
Jewish man: "That was for Pearl Harbor!"
Chinese man: " Pearl Harbor??!! That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
Jewish man: " Japanese, Chinese... you're all the same to me!"
So they both return to their tables and after awhile the Chinese man starts to get drunk and walked over to the Jewish man and punched him right in the face.
Jewish man: "What the hell was that for!"
Chinese man: " That was for the Titanic!!"
Jewish man: " The Titanic??!! That was an Iceberg!!"
Chinese man: " Iceberg, Rosenberg... you're all the same to me!"
https://redd.it/1pgw0rr
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A UFO lands on Earth.
Out steps an alien with a ray gun, ready to start an invasion.
He walks down the road, and sees a cow in a pasture. Without hesitation, he blasts the cow into oblivion and keeps walking.
Next, he sees a car parked on the side of the road. He shoots the car, turning it to dust and keeps walking.
The Alien gets to a gas station where he sees the gas pump. He takes aim with his ray gun, hesitates, then finally holsters his ray gun and returns to the UFO.
Inside the UFO, the alien's buddy asks "Hey, why didn't you shoot that guy??" to which the alien responds "Because, any guy who's dick is so long, he can wrap it around his shoulder three times and stick it in his ear has my respect."
https://redd.it/1pgk5ud
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A maid goes to the lady of the house and demands a raise.
"Why should I give you a raise?" asks the lady.
"Because I cook better than you ever could," says the maid.
"Who told you that?" demands the lady.
"Your husband he say," says the maid. "Also, I clean better than you ever could."
"Who told you that?" demands the lady.
"Your husband he say," says the maid. "And also, I fokk better than you ever could."
"Did my husband say *that* too?" hisses the lady.
"No," says the maid, "the gardener he say."
"...How big a raise did you have in mind?" says the lady.
https://redd.it/1pgi1kv
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Running in your late 50s-60s is a great way to meet people.
Today a friend of mine met a paramedic, 3 nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus himself.
https://redd.it/1pg5bi8
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I asked my girlfriend today if we could use the other hole for a change
She screamed at me, "that's fucking disgusting, i could get pregnant!"
https://redd.it/1pg01qm
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A reporter asks a man on the street what he loves most in life.
"Smoking! I love smoking. I love it more than life itself. If I could, I'd smoke 24 hours a day. I'd never let the cigarette leave my lips. I just love smoking!"
"Okay, okay..." the reporter says. "I understand, But, is there anything else you love?"
"Sex!" the man shouts. "I love sex! I'd do it morning, noon, and night. Honestly, if I could, I’d crawl right inside a woman, deep into pussy, just climb all the way in there, only my head would sticking out."
"But, Why would you leave your head sticking out?"
"For smoking, because I love smoking!"
https://redd.it/1pfwc9e
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What’s the difference between a prostitute , a Mistress, and a Wife?
The prostitute says:, “aren’t you done yet?” the Mistress says: “ are you done already?!” and the wife says: “ I think the ceiling needs painting”
https://redd.it/1pffdl3
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"Shinedark," God mumbles to Himself.
"Earthspin. Fadetablack. No, that's stupid...."
"With all due respect, Holiest of Holies," sighs Lucifer, motioning to his fellow seraphim, "we're all exhausted. Can't we just call it a day?"
https://redd.it/1pfc352
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A DEA officer walks on to ranch in Texas...
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer yelled, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish! On any land!No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs:
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
https://redd.it/1pib8z3
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Thank you for calling the Telephone Counseling Hotline
• If you’re lonely, press 1.
• If you’re codependent, ask someone to press 2.
• If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, and 5.
• If you’re battling evil thoughts, press 6 three times.
• If you want Christian counseling, press 7.
• If you’re compulsive, press 8 repeatedly.
• If you’re paranoid, you don’t have to press anything — we already know everything about you.
• If you have an inferiority complex, please hang up and don’t call again. We’re busy helping people with more important problems than yours
https://redd.it/1pi52vb
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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard and swung too hard and broke the neighbor's window.
Dylan rang the doorbell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch
Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."
Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish."
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan."
Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left.
Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
https://redd.it/1phh2nt
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Man walks into a crowded bar waving his unholstered weapon, fires a round into the ceiling, and yells:
"I HAVE A 9mm GLOCK 19 WITH A 15 ROUND MAG WITH ONE IN THE CHAMBER AND I WANT TO KNOW WHO THE FUCK'S BEEN BANGING MY WIFE!"
A voice from the back of the room calls out,
"YOU NEED MORE AMMO!"
https://redd.it/1phidmb
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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she told me...
..."nothing is going to make me happier than a diamond necklace".
So I bought her nothing.
https://redd.it/1phg5ww
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I can't believe Christmas is only in 2 days
According to my chocolate advent calendar
https://redd.it/1ph5kcc
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight..
..unless you're willing to deal with the reaper cushions
https://redd.it/1pguk4p
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An older white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday with his beautiful young girlfriend at his side.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. "Oh my gosh," the old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I just had?"
https://redd.it/1pgt1o5
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My Boss said he needed really hard workers.
So I took two viagras instead of one.
https://redd.it/1pgcyfg
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
'Well, let's have a look. Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He proceeded to pinch her nipples, rubbing, pressing, and kneading both breasts in a very thorough and professional examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
"It's now wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"Oh, I know that. I'm his Grandma, but I'm really glad I came."
https://redd.it/1pgaprq
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A woman finds a genie
She says, "I want to be young again."
\*poof\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*poof\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*poof\*
>Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
https://redd.it/1pfxodg
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Gertrude, a 94-year-old widow, was heartbroken after her husband Harold died. She decided to end it all with his old Army pistol.
Wanting to make sure she hit her heart and didn’t just cripple herself, she called her doctor.
“Doctor, where exactly is a woman’s heart?”
“Right below the left breast,” he told her.
That night Gertrude was admitted to the hospital with a bullet straight through her knee.
https://redd.it/1pg2unn
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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a 20 car pile-up on the expressway. You're going to be fine, you'll walk again and all that, but I have good news and bad news for you.
The bad news is that your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on...
"But, the good news is that you have a $10000 insurance settlement coming your way and modern technology now exists to build you a new penis. They work really great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for 30 some odd years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had 5" before and get 10" now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had 10" before and you decide to get only 5" now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that your wife play a role in helping you to make a decision. So, the man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
Next day the doctor returns.
"So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, Doctor, I have."
"What is your decision?"
"We're getting granite countertops."
https://redd.it/1pfu1ya
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Wife complains to her husband
You only lasted 2 minutes, husband replies, it was doggy style, so that’s like 15 minutes?
https://redd.it/1pff7pf
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Me: "I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present!"
Judge: "...but you are the lawyer"
Me: "That's right, now where's my present?"
https://redd.it/1pf4lh8
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