1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
As we entered the restaurant, I noticed it was very crowded.
I walked up to the hostess and said:
"Table for four, please. Will it be long?"
She didn't answer, so I asked again:
"How long of a wait?"
She then replied:
"15 minutes."
15 minutes later, I heard the hostess say:
"Willette B. Long, your table is ready."
https://redd.it/1r4u8lz
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A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
https://redd.it/1r0juv1
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What's the difference between a Jake Paul fight and a totaled car?
The Jake Paul fight gets fixed.
https://redd.it/1qzt1ft
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My grief counsellor died.
He was so good, I don’t even care.
https://redd.it/1qzl98a
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I got a call from a scammer yesterday.
Me: “Hello.”
Scammer: (thick, heavy accent) “Hello. This is Tom Smith from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity coming from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
Scammer: “Oh yes, Madam. We have many reports.”
Me: “Oh, jeez. How can I fix it?”
Scammer: “It’s okay, Madam. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
Scammer: “Good, Madam. Please push the Start button.”
Me: “I think it’s already on.”
Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Now click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
Scammer: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
Scammer: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow. I didn’t realize it had a name.”
Scammer: “Yes, Madam. Now press Internet Options.”
Me: “I don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I bought that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
Scammer: “All devices have Internet, Madam. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “Okay. Same as before.”
Scammer: “That’s fine, Madam. We will restart your device. Please turn it off.”
Me: “Um… I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. It kind of just stays on.”
Scammer: “There must be an off button. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “I usually press the big button.”
Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Press that button.”
Me: “Okay.”
Scammer: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
Scammer: “Door? Is there a disc inside?”
Me: “No. There’s a burrito.”
Scammer: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
https://redd.it/1qzfbpm
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Burglar
A man woke up in the night and heard a burglar in the house. He called the police who arrived quickly and arrested the intruder. Next day the man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar. No, said the duty sergeant, you'll have to wait till he's in court. Why do you want to speak to him? Well, said the man, he got into my house at 2 am without waking my wife. I want to know how he did it.
https://redd.it/1qz3r46
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An experiment
Scientists removed the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."
Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10
He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."
Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:
'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."
https://redd.it/1qye4mc
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I survived a bear attack..
Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack.
My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.
https://redd.it/1qxrohz
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Overheard at the office coffee station
Senior Engineer: That was an awful lot of snow we got last night.
Office Manager: Yes, it was. I was an hour late after shoveling my car out of the drift.
SE: I was right on time. Here’s a photo I took of my cleaned-off car in my shoveled-out space.
OM: Wow! That’s pristine. That must have been a lot of work. You're not a youngster anymore.
SE: Not at all. My neighbor next door did it. He had it all finished by the time I drank my coffee.
OM: Nice! He must be a great neighbor.
SE: Yes, and he’s young and strong. Here’s a photo of him.
OM: Very nice-looking young man. Is the pretty woman with him in the photo his wife?
SE: Oh, no. That's the woman who visits him after his wife leaves for work.
https://redd.it/1qxkzns
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I didn’t find the Harry Potter series very realistic,
I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?
https://redd.it/1qxfcga
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A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if they can help with the luggage.
The photon replies, "I don't have any, I'm traveling light."
https://redd.it/1qwyamb
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You know what was even more useful than the first telephone?
The second telephone.
https://redd.it/1qwydwa
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A Priest was being honored with an award at his retirement dinner...
...having served the parish for 30 years, and to mark the occasion, a prominent member of the congregation, a U.S. Supreme Court Justice, was asked to give the presentation and make a short speech afterward. Everyone was excited to hear the Justice’s remarks, however he was delayed in traffic, so the Priest decided to fill in and make a few remarks of his own while they were waiting:
“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession that I heard here, and I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The first person who entered my confessional told me that he had burglarized his next-door neighbor’s house, stole 3 TVs, and lied about it to the police when questioned. He got away with it.
He stole money from his parents and his employer. He had an affair with his boss’s wife, had sex with his boss’s 14-year-old daughter, and gave an STD to his sister-in-law. He was arrested for indecent exposure and has taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled that any one person could commit so many terrible acts, but as time went on, I saw that my flock here were not all like that, and that I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest was finishing his remarks, the Justice arrived, to a standing ovation, as he motioned for the room to quiet down. He made profuse apologies for his late arrival and immediately began his presentation:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the Justice. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
https://redd.it/1qwnxrp
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A parasite walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve your type here."
The parasite replies, "Well you're not a very good host."
https://redd.it/1qvvapc
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Did you hear about the truck driver who stole $50,000 worth of Campbell’s Soup?
I don’t know how you feel about it, but I hope they put him away for mmm…mmm…good!
https://redd.it/1qswj5q
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English to become the official EU language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
https://redd.it/1r4osxw
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An ego and a superego walk into a bar
The bartender says "I'm gonna need to see some id".
https://redd.it/1qzxx5o
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the coffee and the Bible
A husband and a wife are arguing who among them is supposed to make coffee in the morning. They are both very religious, so the wife said she will open the Bible on a random page and see Divine guidance from it.
She opens the Bible and points to the title of the current Bible book: "See, honey? You are supposed to do it."
The husband looks at the title:
"HEBREWS"
https://redd.it/1qzo558
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Two friends are hiking along a country road.
They notice a hole in the ground and wander over to take a look at it. As they peer into it they see it is very deep. One says," I wonder how deep this hole is". His buddy says,' why don't we drop something into it, maybe that will give us a clue. His friend agrees and they look around for something to to use. They spot a a rusty old anvil and decide that's perfect for the job.
The two men manage to wrestle the anvil to the edge of the hole and push it in. As they stand there waiting for the anvil to hit bottom they hear rapidly approaching hoof beats and suddenly a goat runs past them and dives into the hole.
They are standing there trying to prosses the events when an old farmer approaches them and asks if they have seen a goat walk by. One of the hikers tells the farmer," Why yes we just saw a goat coming towards us at about 80 miles an hour, run between our legs and jump into that hole. The farmer says, "Well that's just impossible, I had that goat tied to an anvil."
https://redd.it/1qzcvsq
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The Old Church Organist
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was eighty years old and had never been married. Her people admired her for being gentle and kind to everyone.
One afternoon the pastor went to visit her and she invited him to her charming living room. Miss Beatrice invited him to sit down and went to make tea.
As he sat across from her old organ, the young pastor noticed a glass bowl standing on top. The bowl was full of water and a condom was floating in the water!
When the hostess returned with tea and muffins, they began to talk. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floating object, but it soon prevailed and he could no longer restrain himself.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you'll tell me about it?" He said, pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful ?! I was walking through the park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground.
Its instructions say to put it on the organ, keep it wet and that it will prevent the spread of disease. You know I haven't had the flu all winter! "
The pastor fainted.
https://redd.it/1qz6oku
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75% of people living in Kentucky will tell you their capital is "Louie-ville".
25% will tell you it's "Louis-ville".
But the correct answer is Frankfort.
https://redd.it/1qyzlbh
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A rabbit goes into the job centre and says have you got a job for a rabbit?
A rabbit goes into the job centre and says have you got a job for a rabbit? The manager says we haven't got any jobs for rabbits, and I don't think we'll ever have a job for a rabbit.
The rabbit says do you mind if I come in now and again to see if you've got jobs for rabbits? The manager says no problem come in whenever.
Well every morning at 10 o'clock the rabbit comes in and says have you got any jobs for rabbits? The manager says there's no jobs for rabbits, and there never will be.
A few days later an American comes into the job centre wearing a Stetson looking very important. He says 'you got any rabbits looking for work?' The manager is amazed. He says there's a rabbit who comes through that door at 10am everyday who's looking for work. I'm sure he'll be interested.
Anyway next day at 10am the rabbit comes in. The manager says to him you won't believe this. It's finally happened. There's a man here looking for rabbits to employ. I didn't think this would ever happen but it has happened.
The rabbit says what's the job? The American says we're filming Watership Down on Palm Beach, and we're looking for rabbits, just like yourself, to play the parts.
The rabbit says "Acting? Piss off, I'm an electrician."
https://redd.it/1qxy4uy
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Bond...James Bond
When James Bond is abroad he is known as +44 07.
Not a lot of people know that.
https://redd.it/1qxrprj
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Samurai contest
A tournament was held to determine the greatest samurai among three contenders. Each was given a box with fly inside- they were to open the box and kill the fly with their sword as it flies away.
The first samurai opened the box and then cleanly sliced the fly in two with a single sweep of the sword.
The second samurai even did better, taking two swipes and cutting the fly into quarters.
The third samurai opened the box and took a swipe but the fly continued to fly.
“Ah,” said the judge, “your fly has escaped!”
“Yes, he lives,” admitted the samurai, “but he will no longer reproduce.”
https://redd.it/1qxj68y
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I was in a porn movie
I'm the husband leaving the house right before the plumber gets there.
https://redd.it/1qx7vby
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A trucker and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks the trucker if he would like to play a fun game, but the trucker says he just wants to take a nap.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, the trucker declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Ok, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know an answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the trucker's attention and he agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The trucker doesn't say a word, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Ok," says the lawyer, "Your turn."
So, the trucker asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and scours the internet for help. With no luck and now feeling frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers, but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the trucker, and hands him $500.00. The trucker says, "Thank you," and turns back to get more sleep.
"Well," exclaims the miffed lawyer, "What's the answer????"
Without a word, the trucker reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
https://redd.it/1qx2mba
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Everyone here is always talking about their "fur babies"
>! But as soon as I refer to an infant as a "skin puppy", all of the sudden, I'm "the worst pediatrician at this hospital". !<
https://redd.it/1qwtnys
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At a daycare, most of the parents arrive to get their kid and leave...
However, one man in his thirties, with a bit of a beer belly, stands in front of the building for ages. One of the childcare workers eventually goes over to them and asks "Excuse me sir, are you expecting a kid?"
The man pats his belly and replies "No ma'am, got this from drinkin'."
https://redd.it/1qwjkuv
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In Hawaii, what do you call a very, very quiet laugh?
A low ha
https://redd.it/1qw7g6n
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I already know this joke is old, because I've been telling it since I was eleven.
Two burglars were robbing an apartment. One said, "Somebody is coming in the door! Quick, jump out the window!" And the other guy said, "Are you out of your mind? We're on the thirteenth floor!" And the first guy said, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
https://redd.it/1qs3jbk
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