1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A woman waits anxiously outside the ICU for news about her husband. Dr. Schrodinger comes out and says to her, "There's good news and there's bad news."
The woman says, "Okay, what's the bad news?"
Dr Schrodinger says, "I'm afraid your husband is dead."
"Oh no!" the woman sobs. She regains her composure and says, "But what about the good news?"
And Dr. Schrodinger says, "What good news?"
https://redd.it/1tklfzq
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A mate called me cheap because I always bought him socks for Christmas.
I said, "You ungrateful bastard, it's the thought that counts".
I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in, if he had legs.
https://redd.it/1tkciil
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A husband is showing his wife a funny dog video
When suddenly his phone dies, the husband saying 'It's ran out of juice'
The wife goes to the fridge and brings back orange juice
The husband, confused, says 'What's this?
The wife smiles, 'I brought you juice to charge your phone'
The husband then says 'I have an IPhone, so I need Apple juice'
https://redd.it/1tjxtay
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh for Pete's sake!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
https://redd.it/1tjy43j
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Once upon a time Cinderella was getting ready to go out on a date with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.
"Absolutely not!" says her Fairy Godmother.
"Fine," says Cinderella. "But just remember this when there are a bunch of little princes running around."
So her Fairy Godmother thinks about it and relents. "Okay," she says, "I've turned this pumpkin into a diaphragm. However, you'd better be back before midnight, because that's when it will turn back into a pumpkin."
So Cinderella goes out, and her Fairy Godmother is waiting for Cinderella to return. It's midnight, then 1:00, then 2:00.
Finally Cinderella comes staggering in at 2:30, a dreamy look in her eyes.
"Where have you been?" demands her Fairy Godmother.
"Out," says Cinderella.
"Didn't that diaphragm turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?"
"Yes."
"Well ... what happened?" asks her Fairy Godmother.
And Cinderella says, "I met the nicest guy ... named Peter Peter."
https://redd.it/1tjmpup
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Young Nottingham lad goes to the vet
Lad: It’s me cat, it’s not well.
Vet: Is it a tom?
Lad: Nah, I gorrit wimme in a box!
https://redd.it/1tjgp28
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It's Jerry's birthday, so he decides to treat himself to a fancy cigar. He hasn't had one in years, so he goes into a cigar shop he passes on his way home.
He goes to the shop owner and says, "I'm celebrating my birthday. How much for your finest cigar?"
"I've got just the cigar for such an occasion," says the owner, "It's a hundred dollars."
"All right, I'll take it."
Jerry opens it outside and takes a few experimental puffs. The taste was abominable. He puts it out and storms back inside.
"How dare you sell me such a stinker! What's the idea?"
"Trust me," says the shop owner. "You're a very lucky man."
"Lucky?? With such a cigar?"
"That's right," says the shop owner. "You only have one of those foul stogies. I have a whole store full of 'em!"
https://redd.it/1tj8jp6
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This guy with a lisp goes to buy a horse
He asks the farmer, "Can I thee her walk?"
The farmer says "Sure." And he pats the horse's rear to make it walk.
Then the guys asks, "Can I thee her wun?"
The farmer says "Sure." And he slaps the horse's rear to make it run.
Then the guys asks, "Can I thee her twot?"
The farmer says "Um, sure?" And he lifts the horses tail.
https://redd.it/1tisj11
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4 beer company CEOs walked into a bar…
The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.
The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
https://redd.it/1tir9jw
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My wife got on a flight to Helsinki last week and I haven't heard from her since.
She just vanished into Finnair.
https://redd.it/1tidziq
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Oil Tycoons Son Gets Accepted to Harvard
A foreign Oil Tycoons son gets accepted to Harvard, to prepare his son for life in a new country he shells out big money for a Tudor Style Mansion, and to get him to and from school he gets him a top of the line Rolls Royce.
On his first day of class he pulls up in his brand new Rolls Royce and immediately gets comments from his fellow students
"Amazing car, I took the bus to school, Im so jealous"
"Nice car, sure beats getting dropped off by your mom like I did"
Even one of his professors notices him in his class and says "Hey, I saw you pull up in a Rolls Royce. Maybe one day that'll be me, but I took the train in this morning"
At the end of the day the oil tycoon calls his son to ask about his first day at Harvard. His son responds "Dad it was amazing, just like its shown on TV but I felt a little uneasy since I came in a Rolls Royce but so many of my fellow students came in a bus, and even one of my professors came by train."
The dad responds "Ok, I've wired you $10 Million, please buy yourself a train to take to school to stop embarrassing this family"
https://redd.it/1ti92um
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A man is going 85 miles per hour on a motorway when he sees a police car in his mirror
He thinks for a moment as the officer is getting closer and then floors it, 95… 110… 140… Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows down and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there" the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a police officer. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the mirror, I thought you were bringing her back!"
https://redd.it/1thzijr
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At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I'm thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."
"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks' vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years -- say, a Porsche?"
The engineer gaspes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."
https://redd.it/1thqo83
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Three men and a train
A beautiful, statuesque young lady got into a metro train compartment where three men were seated.
They were staring at her.
She said if they gave one dollar each she would show her legs. Immediately three dollars fell onto her lap.
She lifted her dress to her knees. Indeed the legs were nice.
Then she said "Five dollars each, I would show my thighs".
Came fifteen dollars and she lifted her dress high up till her panties. Very beautiful, smooth and shapely thighs.
Then the bomb came.
"Thirty dollars each, I will show you where my Gynaecologist checks me".
Salivating, three men gave thirty dollars each.
A station was nearing and the train slowed down. Pointing out of the window, she showed the hospital next to the station.
"This is where my Gynaecologist checks me," she said, and got off the train.
Lesson: Don’t get scammed — Invest wisely!
https://redd.it/1thhkwm
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Are those chopsticks in your pocket?
Or are you just happy sashimi?
https://redd.it/1th4n0h
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Guy next door stopped by and said, “So I heard you and your family had an amaing time seeing the ebras at the oo.”
After he left my wife asked, “Who was that?”
I said, “Just our No-Z neighbor.”
https://redd.it/1tkfpr9
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting while Newton and Pascal run and hide.
Pascal hides behind a curtain. Newton stops and draws a 1-metre by 1-metre square on the ground and stands in the middle. Einstein finishes counting, uncovers his eyes and turns around, "Ha! Found you, Newton!" Newton calmly replies, "Nope, you found Pascal!"
https://redd.it/1tk8oft
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A young college student takes a few writing courses and discovers he has a great talent for it. He had majored in something more sensible, but decides he has to be a writer. The only problem is he has no idea how to make a living at it...
...so he asks his professor and he’s told there’s only one man in town who has actually made his living as a writer. A meeting is arranged for the two, and the student sits down with old writer, who looks to be in his 90s, but has had many books and essays published.
The student asks, “I’m not foolish enough to think I can get rich, but how can I be a working writer like you?”
“My boy,” the old writer says, “your youth is a time for ideals, passions, dreams and hopes. To be a writer, however, is to forsake all of these things. Your reality will be one of deprivation and hunger. There will be loneliness - endless loneliness - for writing is perhaps the loneliest profession of all. You will never be sure if you are a great thinker or merely caught in the grip of madness. But if you must write, and you never give up, and you continue to perfect your craft despite resigning yourself to a life of hunger, loneliness, and poverty, by the time you’re fifty, something wonderful happens.”
“Really? What happens when I turn fifty?”
“You get used to it!”
https://redd.it/1tk49ah
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A businessman was confused about posting an invoice from which he had to separate the tax portion, so he called his assistant into his office and said to her, "You have a degree in accounting, so maybe you can help me. If I were to give you $35,000, minus 8.5%, how much would you take off?"
And she said, "Everything but my earrings."
https://redd.it/1tjupw2
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Cinderella is shipwrecked. She washes up on a barren, rocky island in the middle of the ocean.
There's nothing on the island, not trees or animals or even grass. Cinderella starts to cry. "Oh, what will I do?"
Then POOF! Her Fairy Godmother appears.
"Oh thank goodness!" Says Cinderella. "Fairy Godmother, I need your help again! Please get me off this desert island and back safely to land!"
"Oh, deary me!" Says the Fairy Godmother. "Unfortunately, my magic can only turn things into other things. I could make one of these rocks into a ship to sail you home, and some other rocks into sailors, but it would be a journey of many weeks, and they'd all turn back into rocks at the stroke of midnight and you'd drown! I think I will have to fly across the ocean myself and try to convince a ship to sail out to rescue you! But it will take days, or possibly weeks, and you might starve in the meantime. So here is what I will do. I will give you some of my magic."
Zippity zoop! The Fairy Godmother waves her wand at Cinderella.
"There. Now, all you need to do is point at something and say a type of food, and that thing will turn into that food and so you will be able to stay fed and healthy until I can return."
"Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!" Cinderella says. "Let me try it out right now!" She points at a nearby rock. "You are a roast turkey."
POOF! The rock turns into a perfectly cooked roast turkey, smelling delicious. Delighted, Cinderella points at a seashell. "You're a milkshake!"
POOF! The seashell turns into a milkshake.
"Oh wow!" Cinderella says, "This is wonderful. Thank you so much, Fairy Godmother, you're a lifesaver!"
POOF!
https://redd.it/1tjku37
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I still remember the day my friend came staggering out of the bedroom with tears in his eyes. "It's a boy," he cried, "it's a boy!"
Anyway we never went back to Thailand.
https://redd.it/1tjcc7i
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A man and a woman are lying together in the afterglow together following sex.
The woman says, "you must be the worst lover in the world".
The man defensively replies, "Oh yeah? Well, how did you figure that out in fifteen seconds?"
https://redd.it/1tj4rqe
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A guy's pregnant wife was screaming in pain during labor, so the guy asks, "Honey, what's wrong?"
The woman screams, "These contractions are going to kill me!"
And the guy says, "Sorry, honey. What is wrong?"
https://redd.it/1tiok7p
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A woman who speaks Spanish walks into a department store,
She walks over to a clerk and says
"Donde estan los calcetines"
The clerk doesn't speak Spanish but tries to help her anyways. He holds up a T-shirt saying "Is this what you need?"
She shakes her head, frowning.
Next he holds up a pair of pants, and she shakes her head again.
After 5 or 6 attempts, he finally holds up a pair of socks with an exasperated look.
The woman smiles and says:
"Eso si que es!"
The clerk gets a sour face and says:
"If you knew how to spell it, why didn't you start with that?!"
https://redd.it/1timf2e
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I let my car unattended with my accordion on view in the front passenger seat. When I got back, someone had broken into my car
and left another accordion.
https://redd.it/1tidggd
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A man is talking to his therapist. “Doc, I feel like I’m wasting my life. All I do is sit around reading fantasy books. Must be my 50th time going through Tolkien. I feel so directionless.”
The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”
The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”
The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”
“That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”
“Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”
The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.
The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”
There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby?
https://redd.it/1ti6yv6
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A man has had enough and decides to become a Trappist monk
The regular 9-5 rat race had taken its toll on him so he thinks long and hard about it and decides to join the monastery and take a vow of silence.
They take him to the Head monk who explains that he won't be able to speak at all and asks if he's totally sure that he wants to do this. The man says he is ready. So he is shown to his room and begins his new, albeit silent life.
10 years go by and he again meets the Head monk who says "brother you have been here for 10 years now so you are permitted to say 2 words, if you so wish". The man thinks and says "bed hard". The head monk says "ok we will fix that for you brother". Another 10 years go by and again he is summoned to see the head monk who again says he has earned 2 more words to say if he so wishes. The man thinks and says "food bad". "No problem brother we will fix that for you" says the head monk. Another 10 years go by and he goes to see the head monk who again offers him 2 words to say. The man looks at the head monk in the eyes and says "I'm leaving". "Good" says the head monk. "You've done nothing but moan since you've been here".
https://redd.it/1thtobg
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Can you imagine how much more popular Bing Crosby would have been...
If he had been named Google Crosby?
https://redd.it/1thnnat
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Travelling salesman.
On his first day as a travelling salesman, he knocked on the door of his first house. As soon as the lady opened it he flung a massive pile of horse manure across the carpet.
“What on earth are you doing?” she shrieked.
“Madam,” he replied. “I have the world’s best and most powerful vacuum cleaner. I guarantee it’ll vacuum up all that horse manure and make your carpet look brand new. Or I’ll lick it up myself.”
“Would you like a napkin?” she asked.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because we have a power outage right now.”
https://redd.it/1thczi4
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Tail light
A trucker gets pulled over after 10 hours of driving. The officer says, "Driver, do you know why I pulled you over?" The trucker says, "No, not really." The officer points to the back of the rig and says, "Well, you have a broken tail light." The trucker turns incredibly pale, slaps his forehead, and exclaims, "Oh crap, my boss is going to kill me!" The officer tries to calm him down and says, "It's no biggie, driver, I'll just write up a warning." The driver replies, "Warning? Screw the tail light! Where's my trailer?!"
https://redd.it/1tgxm09
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