1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A man scores a hot date
A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.
Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.
Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.
His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, "could you do that again?"
The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
https://redd.it/1ki68d8
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A guy has a crush on a girl... The only problem he has is every time he sees her he gets a raging boner.
After some great effort he manages to finally sit down near her during a party and strike up a conversation. They hit it off and he asks her to see a movie with him the next day.
Fearing he will not be able to control embarrassing himself he decides to strap his penis to his leg. The next day he arrives at her door early and rings the bell. The girl answers the door in her underwear and he kicked her in the face.
https://redd.it/1khwkw8
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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms away in anger after not being answered.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the muscular guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk replies, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
https://redd.it/1khosk4
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Where does the Pope go if he gains too much weight?
The Fatican
https://redd.it/1kh9iwo
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Two blondes are standing at a bridge
Looking down they're wondering which river flows underneath, the first says "I'm pretty sure it's the Mississippi river". The other replies "No I'm almost certain it's the Missouri river!" They go back and forth like this a bit, and after a while they realize they are both unsure.
The first blonde gets an idea and says "You know what, I will jump down into the river, swim to the bank, and ask the first person I find which river this is, they oughta know!" "That's a great idea, I will wait here until you get back" says the other.
So the first blonde jumps in, the other just waits, but hours and hours go by, until late at night, finally the first returns. Her legs broken, in a wheelchair, bruised all over, arm in bandages, she slowly makes her way to the other bonde, who is shocked and asks "what the hell happened?!" "Well," says the first blonde, "I found out which river it is, it's the I-70"
*Sidenote; This is an old joke in my country, I translated it and 'Americanized' the joke so more people would understand, hope the references make sense, if not, well I tried ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯*
Eta: changed I-5 to I-70
https://redd.it/1kh8x01
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BREAKING: The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden
The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet
https://redd.it/1kh2x7j
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A policeman was patrolling a neighbourhood when he noticed an old lady dragging two full bin bags down the street.
He also noticed money was falling out of one bag and blowing across the road. He picked it up and approached the elderly woman, seeing that the first bag was stuffed with cash .“Ma’am, that’s an awful lot of money to be carrying around in a bin bag, do you mind if I ask where you got it?”Well officer" she replied "I live beside the 8th hole of a golf course, and although I have a privacy fence in my garden, those bloody golfers are constantly pissing in garden. You see, there’s a knot hole in the fence and those inconsiderate louts put their dicks through the hole and pee! so every time I see a Willy sticking through, I grab my hedge clippers, clamp down on their Willy and tell them it’s gonna cost you £50 if you want to keep it.“Oh, I see,” said the officer.“That explains the money, but what’s in the other bag?”“Not everyone pays,” said the old lady.
https://redd.it/1kgu17j
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A torpedo was headed for the ship, and the captain needed to calm the crew.
So he sends the boatswain to the barracks.
The boatswain walks in and says:
"Bet I can hit the wall with my dick so hard, the whole ship will blow apart?"
The crew yells: "You're on!"
He swings, slams it—and the ship explodes into pieces.
Later, the captain and the boatswain are clinging to a piece of wreckage.
The captain says:
"You idiot... the torpedo missed."
https://redd.it/1kgrtz5
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A man goes to the doctor and says, “This has got to be the smallest doctor’s office I’ve ever seen.” The doctor replies..:
“Get lost, man..! I’m taking a crap..!”
https://redd.it/1kgc7la
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A woman says to her blonde friend...
"I have a riddle for you. How many pancakes could you eat on an empty stomach?"
The blonde ponders for a moment. "I'd say maybe four."
"No, you could only eat one, because after that your stomach would no longer be empty!"
"Ha, clever!" says the blonde.
That evening she's chatting with her husband. "Hey, I heard a good riddle today. How many pancakes could you eat on an empty stomach?"
"Hmm, I could probably eat five."
"Oh rats!" says the blonde. "If you'd said four, I had a really funny answer!"
https://redd.it/1kgd2o2
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How do skeletons have sex?
They just bone.
https://redd.it/1kg2xyv
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A woman walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot with a sign: “Talking Parrot – $1.”
She asks the owner, “Why is this parrot only a dollar?”
The owner sighs, “Well… he used to live in a brothel, so his language is a little colorful.”
The woman, amused, buys him anyway and takes him home.
As soon as she walks through the door, the parrot looks around and says, “New house, new madam. Nice!”
Then her two daughters walk in.
The parrot squawks, “New girls! Busy night ahead!”
Then her husband walks in.
The parrot pauses, tilts his head, and says, “Well well well… welcome back, Dave.”
https://redd.it/1kfj1da
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Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your d***...
Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.
https://redd.it/1kfoya9
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Took my dog to vet for a check up. Moments after coming into the room, the vet stated, "Well, I can see Rex needs to cut down on his treats!".
I chuckled and said, "Sorry for the confusion, but the dog's name is Snoopy, I'm Rex."
"Yes, I know"
https://redd.it/1kfbwoe
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A guy met a girl at a bar.
He asked her, "May I buy you a drink?"
"OK," she replied, "But it won't do you any good."
A little later he asked her again, "May I buy you a drink?"
"OK, but it won't do you any good," she told him.
At closing time, he invited her up to his apartment, which she accepted, but said, "OK, but it won't do you any good."
When they arrived at his apartment, he turned and said to her, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I want you for my wife."
"Oh," she replied, "That's different. Send her in, and don't forget to close the door on your way out."
https://redd.it/1kfbtma
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If I see an electrician - I’ll masturbate. If I see a plumber - I’ll masturbate. If I see a carpenter - I’ll masturbate. If I see a welder - I’ll masturbate.
Guess I’m just a jack off all trades.
https://redd.it/1ki2xsf
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A fifth grade class was given a homework assignment to find out about something exciting to talk about the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the classroom, and made a small dot on the blackboard.
Puzzled, his teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," replied the boy.
"What's so exciting about a period?" she asked.
"I don't know," said the boy, "But this morning my older sister was missing one, my mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
https://redd.it/1khlcqd
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My favourite joke of all time. Thank me later
There was once a bus conductor in the UK who was constantly stressed—dealing with grumpy passengers, traffic jams, and never enough tea breaks. One day, after a particularly bad shift involving screaming schoolchildren and someone trying to pay with a Tesco Clubcard, he finally snapped.
Tragically, his actions led to a terrible accident and several passengers lost their lives.
He was arrested, tried, and sentenced to death. But the UK doesn’t have the death penalty anymore—so they deported him to America, where he got a job driving Greyhound buses.
Turns out… he hadn’t really learned his lesson.
Another incident. More chaos. More deaths. This time, the American courts weren’t messing around.
He ends up on death row in Texas.
Before his execution, the judge says:
“You’ve been sentenced to death by electric chair. May God have mercy on your soul.”
And he adds, “And this time, we’re using all the electricity in the prison! That’ll do it!”
They ask for his last meal. He says, “Just one green banana.”
Odd—but fine. He eats it. They flip the switch…
Nothing happens.
By law, since the execution failed, he’s released.
Few months later—he’s back. Another disaster. Same courtroom. Same judge.
This time, the judge slams the gavel:
“Death by electric chair—again! And this time, we’ll use all the electricity in the town! That’ll fry you for sure!”
Last meal? “One green banana.”
They flip the switch…
Still nothing.
He’s released again.
The third time, the courtroom is packed. The judge looks furious.
“This time,” he growls, “we’re using every single volt in the entire state! You are NOT walking out of here again!”
Final meal? “One green banana.”
The warden can’t take it anymore. “Alright, what’s the deal with the green banana? Is it some kind of superfood? Does it stop the electricity or something?”
The bus conductor sighs, looks them dead in the eye, and says:
“Nah mate… I’m just a bad conductor.”
https://redd.it/1khm2sk
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Dad joke
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
https://redd.it/1kh8pcs
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Employee termination
A man starts his own business.
Within a few months, his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees.
He hires a woman named Sarah and a man named Jack. Things are looking good.
A year goes by and the little company's sales are sagging. The owner realises that there is not enough work for his two employees and that he must let one of them go. But which one? Both Sarah and Jack were excellent employees in every respect.
Tormented by the decision, the owner asks a friend for advice. His friend says, "When you go in tomorrow, watch them both, and fire the first one to take a break."
So the next day the owner is watching his employees. Sarah seems to be having a headache - her brow is furrowed and she's massaging her temples.
She gets up and goes to the medicine cabinet for an aspirin. The owner sees this as a break, and while he hates to do it, this is the signal he was waiting for to make his arbitrary call.
The owner walks over to her and starts out, "Sarah, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Irritated, she replies, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."
And this is how Jack got laid off.
https://redd.it/1kh85x8
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I used to work at the zoo, and one time, a gorilla died of old age
Problem was, it was the only gorilla in the zoo because it wasn’t very profitable.
The gorilla was by far the most popular attraction, and they couldn’t afford to go a single day without it.
So the zoo owner came up to me and said,
"For an extra $100 a day, do you want to put on this gorilla costume until we can afford a new one?"
Of course, I said yes.
Pretty quickly, I became the biggest hit at the zoo.
Everyone wanted to see the human-like gorilla.
About a month later, the craze started to die down, but they kept pressuring me to get people’s attention again.
So, in a desperate attempt, I climbed over to where the lions were and started hanging off the net.
Suddenly, this massive crowd gathered, and everyone looked terrified.
I could feel my grip slipping — I couldn't hold on any longer.
I started screaming, "Help! Help!" — and then I fell.
The lion rushed toward me, and just as I thought it was over, he leaned in and whispered,
"Shut the fuck up before we all get fired."
https://redd.it/1kgzr7w
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I masturbated so good last night that when I woke up this morning…
My dick was in the kitchen making me breakfast.
https://redd.it/1kgucxp
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Airplane excitement
Long:
A man boards an airplane headed cross country from Miami to California. He gets comfortable, hoping the seat beside him remains empty. Instead, a drop dead gorgeous woman sits beside him.
Once the flight gets going, he strikes up the courage to speak to her.
“Hi, how are you doing,” he asks. “What’s your name?”
She replies with a smile and says, “Hello. I’m Veronica.”
“Where are you headed,” he responds.
“LA. I’m part of a group that meets up every year for a week long sex convention.”
Interested, the man sits up a little straighter. “Oh… what do you do there?”
“Well, for a week straight we have amazing sex with whoever we want, however we want, and for as long as we can.”
“Wow. Well that sounds fun. Let me ask you a question, if you could have any type of man, what sort of guy do you like?”
“I like Native Americans. They’re strong and can go all day and all night.”
“Say there aren’t any Native Americans, what sort would be your second choice,” he asks.
“I like Jewish men,” she replies.
“Interesting, why’s that?”
“Well, they know how to spoil a woman. They like to spend money on me and buy expensive jewelry for me.”
Pressing, he asks again, “Let’s say you’re down to your third choice. What sort of man would you choose?”
“I like rednecks. They’re passionate and lots of fun.”
She then asks him a question. “I’ve been talking about myself and I don’t even know your name.”
“Oh,” he replies, “I’m Tonto Goldstein, but you can call me Bubba.”
https://redd.it/1kghpmn
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You don't need 100 men fighting hand to hand to kill a gorilla
You just need one toddler to climb into the enclosure, we learned that in 2016
https://redd.it/1kg4wsv
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We used to have empires run by emperors. Then we had kingdoms run by kings...
Now we have countries run by cunts
https://redd.it/1kg6bhd
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A nun rides in a train.
A lady enters and sits next to her, wearing a beautiful fur coat.
**Nun**: What a beautiful coat! How much did it cost you?
**Woman**: That? A night of love.
Then, she takes off her gloves. A beautiful ring with an emerald sits on her finger.
**Nun**: My, how much did that ring cost you?
**Woman**: Three nights of love.
Then, she takes off her coat. The nun sees a beautiful diamond necklace.
**Nun**: Oh, my! How much did that beauty cost?
**Woman**: Ten nights of love.
Evening. The nun is back at the monastery, sitting in her room. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.
**Nun**: Who's there?
**Male Voice**: It's me, Brother Andre.
**Nun**: Shove off, Brother, both you and those lollipops of yours!
https://redd.it/1kg0pr6
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This American wrestler is going into the final round of the Olympics and unfortunately he's got to go up against this undefeated Russian.
The Russian had broken the backs of his two previous opponents with a patented move called "The Pretzel Hold".
In the pre-fight meeting, the coach for the American wrestler says, "If that madman gets you in the "Pretzel Hold", I'm throwing in the towel".
The American wrestler said, "Well, I appreciate it because I don't want to wind up like those two other guys".
So the match begins, and sure enough, within 30 seconds the Russian has the American in the "Pretzel Hold" and is REALLY wrenching down on him. The coach for the American is frantically looking for a towel to throw in.
The American wrestler, on the verge of losing consciousness, looks up and sees this nutsack hanging in front of his face. He figures, "What the hell", and bites it as hard as he possibly can.
Immediately, he comes flying out of the "Pretzel Hold", grabs the Russian, and pins him. The crowd goes WILD!!!.
In the after match press conference, the reporters repeatedly asked, "How in the world did you manage to pin the guy, let alone get out the "Pretzel Hold"???????" The American wrestler, paused for a minute, and then said, "It's amazing what you can do when you bite your own nutsack".
https://redd.it/1kfrsru
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A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned I was with seven different women last night."
The priest is silent for a moment, and then says "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man. "No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that fucking smirk off your face!"
https://redd.it/1kfnyfx
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The family doctor would absolutely not perform an abortion...
The family doctor, consulted by the hysterical parents of a pregnant teenager, said he positively would not perform an abortion. "But when her time comes, I'll deliver the baby at a private hospital. Then I'll show it to one of my other patients--let's say a woman who's married and who's in for a gall-bladder operation--and tell her there's been a mistake, it wasn't her gall bladder, she was pregnant, and here's the child."
All went as planned; but at the crucial time, there was no available female patient on whom to foist the infant. There was only a male--a priest, in fact. The physician, undaunted, decided to brazen it out. When the man of the cloth awakened from the anesthesia, he was informed that, by a miracle, he had been delivered an offspring, a boy. Far from being shocked, the good cleric was overjoyed at this evidence of divine intervention and raised the boy as his own.
Years later, as the priest lay dying, he concluded that he must unburden his soul to his son. "I have always told you I was your father, but that is untrue," he confessed, and he told the lad about the "miraculous" incident at the hospital. "So you see, my boy," the priest announced, "I'm not your father. I'm your mother. The bishop is your father."
https://redd.it/1kfdvar
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A guy enters a shoe store
He asks the employee for a pair of shoes he likes.
The employee, in his experience, looks at the man's feet: "You look like a size 10." The man says: "Yes, but I'm gonna need a size 8." The employee doesn't really understand why but brings out a size 8 and watches the man force himself into these tight shoes. It's a struggle. The man manages to put them on, limps around a little bit, says "I'll take them" and walks out wearing them.
Next week the man comes back. Picks another pair of shoes, only this time he wants a size 7. The employee doesn't mind so much, he's selling shoes and the guy pays in full, so he complies. This time it's an even bigger struggle, but sure enough manages with a couple of shoehorns, pays and limps out.
The week after, same thing, the man walks in and asks for a size 6. At this point the employee has to ask: "What is it with the shoes?"
And the man goes: "Well, my wife left me, my kids won't talk to me, I hate my job and don't get paid enough for it, I have no friends or colleagues, but at least at the end of the day I can come home and take these fuckin' shoes off!"
https://redd.it/1kf5o8r
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