1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
My wife tried to teach me a lesson for coming home late…
A woman, upset that her husband came home late from golf again, decided to teach him a lesson.
She left a note on the dresser that read:
“I’ve had enough. I’m leaving you. Don’t try to find me.”
Then she hid under the bed to watch his reaction.
Soon, her husband came home. She heard him moving around, then he entered the bedroom, picked up the note, and read it.
After a moment, he scribbled something on the paper and made a phone call.
“She’s finally gone. Yep, it’s about time. I’m on my way now,” he said happily.
He grabbed his keys and left.
Furious, the woman crawled out from under the bed, grabbed the note, and read what he had written:
“I can see your feet. We’re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.”
https://redd.it/1rzqkyl
@r_jokes
Walking through the cabin, a flight attendant noticed a man drenched in sweat, trembling, and biting his nails.
"Perhaps I could bring you a glass of whiskey? It might help you feel better", the flight attendant suggested. After an obvious internal struggle, the man whispered: "Alright."
Checking on the same passenger again, the flight attendant found him in an even more pitiful state. "A second glass?", she asked. The man said nothing, and just nodded his head.
When the flight attendant returned to the passenger for a third time, he was sobbing uncontrollably. "I’ve never seen anyone so afraid of flying", the flight attendant remarked, to which the passenger replied: "I’m not afraid of flying at all, I’m trying to quit drinking!"
https://redd.it/1ryzcuq
@r_jokes
Chuck Norris died in his sleep
If he had been awake when Death came for him, there would have been an obituary for Death this morning.
https://redd.it/1ryxreu
@r_jokes
Chuck Norris died and went to heaven.
Walked up to the pearly gates and saint Peter said, “Oh wow Mr Norris, the big guy wants to see you immediately.”
So he gets escorted into meet God and without missing a beat Chuck says, “before we get started, I just wanna let you know you’re sitting in my chair.”
Rip Chuck Norris
https://redd.it/1ryxna3
@r_jokes
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning….
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
https://redd.it/1ryukym
@r_jokes
Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles...
"Peter, Peter!" Jesus cries.
Peter, down at the bottom of the Calvary hill, hears his lord's call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he's spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter's left arm off and kicks him back down the hill.
Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening "Peter, Peter."
Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter's other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lays, bleeding out, when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again.
"Peter... Peter" Jesus beckons.
Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn't notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross a third soldier draws his sword and cuts off Peter's left leg and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time.
Now just a whisper, Jesus calls "Peter..... Peter...."
Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his lord "my lord Jesus, Why dost thou beckon me?"
Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says "Peter, Peter... I can see your house from up here."
https://redd.it/1ryfbwu
@r_jokes
God’s Chauffeur
After getting Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.”
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?!” protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
“Who's going to tell?” says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!” moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
“So bust him,” says the Chief.
“I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,” said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,”said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “A senator?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “The President?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it?”
Cop: “I think it's God!”
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, “What makes you think it's God?”
Cop: “His chauffeur is the Pope!”
https://redd.it/1rrr4up
@r_jokes
Did you hear about the guitar that aroused people when played?
It had to be put on the sexy Fenders register.
https://redd.it/1rrl1ys
@r_jokes
Some tourists at the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones
One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
https://redd.it/1roznjk
@r_jokes
Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
https://redd.it/1rotm80
@r_jokes
A dictionary, an encyclopedia, and a thesaurus walk into a bar.
The barman takes one look at them and quips, “What is this—a jest, mockery, target practice, repartee, facetiousness, drollery, banter, or a knee-slapper?”
https://redd.it/1roo872
@r_jokes
Some first-year medical students were attending their first Anatomy class.
They gathered around a table where a real dead body had been placed for study.
The professor began the class by telling them that every good doctor must have two important qualities.
“The first,” he said, “is that a doctor must never be disgusted by anything in the human body.”
To demonstrate, he inserted his finger into the dead body’s anus, then put the finger in his mouth and tasted it.
He then asked the students to repeat what he had done.
The students were shocked and hesitated for several minutes. But eventually, one by one, they did the same thing. Each of them inserted their fingers into the body’s anus and then tasted their fingers.
When everyone had finished, they all stood there frowning and feeling uncomfortable.
The professor then looked at them and smiled.
“The second most important quality of a doctor,” he said, “is observation.”
He continued,
“I inserted my middle finger, but I tasted my index finger.”
https://redd.it/1rof61j
@r_jokes
Did you hear about the criminal with a jurisprudence kink?
He got off on a technicality.
https://redd.it/1rhmzf0
@r_jokes
A mathematician, biologist and physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house.
Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."
The mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
https://redd.it/1rhon7p
@r_jokes
My neighbor told me he couldn’t pay his water bill.
I sent him a “Get well soon” card. . .
https://redd.it/1rh4h60
@r_jokes
Believer
Jesus walked into a bar, saw a Russian with a glass of water, and asked, "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replied, "No."
With a wave of his hand, Jesus changed it to a glass of wine.
“Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowned and shook his head.
The next day Jesus went into the bar, saw the same man, and said “My son, are you a believer yet?"
The Russian replied, "No."
Jesus waved his hands and behold! The glass again was changed to wine.
"Well my son, now you must surely believe,” said, Jesus, but the Russian just frowned and shook his head.
On the third day, Jesus entered the bar and went over to the Russian.
"My son, are you a believer yet?"
The Russian looked up and snarled, "If I say yes will you leave my vodka alone?"
https://redd.it/1rzovt3
@r_jokes
What spell did Harry Potter use to fight off Dementors at the Strait of Hormuz?
Expectno! Petroleum!!
https://redd.it/1ryv1j6
@r_jokes
A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, "How'm I doin'?"
"About three knots," says the hooker.
"Three knots?" asks the sailor. "Whaddya mean?"
And the hooker says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
https://redd.it/1ryypon
@r_jokes
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago…
Death has only just built up the courage to tell him.
https://redd.it/1ryxhv0
@r_jokes
I rode my bicycle to buy alcohol
Bought a whiskey, was about to ride home but thought what if I fall off my bike and the bottle breaks. I decided then and there I'll drink it all up before I ride home. Good thing I did because I fell seven times off my bicycle
https://redd.it/1ryrtbo
@r_jokes
An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And he says: "And my beautiful grandchildren ... are they here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
The old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
https://redd.it/1ry0xxv
@r_jokes
12.5% of me believes in God.
I'm an 8th theist
https://redd.it/1rrqqjh
@r_jokes
So it's the first day of college, and the girls are finishing up orientation with the Dean of Women.
"In conclusion, ladies, if you get pregnant, you'll likely have to drop out and miss out on many of your dreams. Think about it: is that one hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of commitment?"
"Now," the Dean says, "Are there any questions?"
"Yeah," says a voice from the back. "How do you make them last an hour?"
https://redd.it/1rquem2
@r_jokes
Wrong Parking Lot
I forgot to zip my pants today, so a lady politely told me, “Sir, your garage is open.”
I zipped them up and asked, “Did you see my monster truck parked inside?”
The lady smiled and said, “No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires…”
I’m still crying.
https://redd.it/1royu0d
@r_jokes
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot 🥕
https://redd.it/1romsdg
@r_jokes
An elderly Jewish woman is walking down the street when a flasher jumps out in front of her and opens his overcoat.
The woman takes a look and says, "You call that a lining?"
https://redd.it/1ro5av0
@r_jokes
Look...squirrel!
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
The Jewish synagogue took the first squirrel and circumcised him. Haven't seen one since.
https://redd.it/1ri8mjv
@r_jokes
When I opened the refrigerator this morning I was surprised to find my Swiss cheese sitting outside of the cheese drawer.
It appears that the other cheeses kicked it out because they’d finally had enough of its “holier than thou” attitude.
https://redd.it/1rhiq5a
@r_jokes
The Red Vest
A merchant ship filled with gold is sailing in the Caribbean when the lookout in the crow's nest suddenly cries out, "Pirate ship off the starboard bow!" The captain immediately orders, "Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest."
A fierce battle follows, and the pirates are driven off.
The next day, the lookout calls again, "Pirate ship off the port bow!"
Without hesitation, the captain shouts, "Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest."
Once more, the pirates are defeated.
Two days later, the lookout bellows, "Pirate ship dead ahead!"
The captain remains calm. "Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest."
Again, the pirates are beaten back.
After the fight, the first mate approaches the captain. "Begging your pardon, sir, but why do you always ask for your red vest when we're under attack?" The captain replies, "So that if I am wounded in battle, the crew will not see my blood and lose heart."
Three days later, the lookout's voice rings out in alarm: "Three pirate ships off the starboard bow, the port bow, and dead ahead!"
The captain turns to his first mate and says, "Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my brown trousers."
https://redd.it/1rhhttd
@r_jokes
So a 104-year-old man is being interviewed on the news. The interviewer says, "You're 104 years old, you walk a mile a day, your mind is still sharp, and you still take care of yourself in your own home. Tell me ... What's your secret?"
And the old man says, "I once blew a guy for a sandwich."
https://redd.it/1rhbe1x
@r_jokes