1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Look...squirrel!
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
The Jewish synagogue took the first squirrel and circumcised him. Haven't seen one since.
https://redd.it/1ri8mjv
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When I opened the refrigerator this morning I was surprised to find my Swiss cheese sitting outside of the cheese drawer.
It appears that the other cheeses kicked it out because they’d finally had enough of its “holier than thou” attitude.
https://redd.it/1rhiq5a
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The Red Vest
A merchant ship filled with gold is sailing in the Caribbean when the lookout in the crow's nest suddenly cries out, "Pirate ship off the starboard bow!" The captain immediately orders, "Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest."
A fierce battle follows, and the pirates are driven off.
The next day, the lookout calls again, "Pirate ship off the port bow!"
Without hesitation, the captain shouts, "Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest."
Once more, the pirates are defeated.
Two days later, the lookout bellows, "Pirate ship dead ahead!"
The captain remains calm. "Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest."
Again, the pirates are beaten back.
After the fight, the first mate approaches the captain. "Begging your pardon, sir, but why do you always ask for your red vest when we're under attack?" The captain replies, "So that if I am wounded in battle, the crew will not see my blood and lose heart."
Three days later, the lookout's voice rings out in alarm: "Three pirate ships off the starboard bow, the port bow, and dead ahead!"
The captain turns to his first mate and says, "Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my brown trousers."
https://redd.it/1rhhttd
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So a 104-year-old man is being interviewed on the news. The interviewer says, "You're 104 years old, you walk a mile a day, your mind is still sharp, and you still take care of yourself in your own home. Tell me ... What's your secret?"
And the old man says, "I once blew a guy for a sandwich."
https://redd.it/1rhbe1x
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With sugar or without sugar
An Arab is sitting in a millionaire's restaurant in Dubai having lunch, when a little, old, Jewish man comes into a restaurant, and says to the Arab "I have a golden lighter. You will probably want to buy it, but l warn you immediately, it costs a million dollars"!
The Arab says "Have you lost your mind? A million dollars? That lighter is not even worth a dollar"! The LOJM proceeds to click the golden lighter, at which point a genie pops out of it and says: "Sir, what do you wish for"?
Everyone in the restaurant is shocked when the LOJM orders the genie "Bring me a glass of tea with sugar"! The genie claps his hands, and with a flash of fire, a glass of tea on a platter, a container of sugar, and a spoon appear as if by magic!
The Arab rubs his eyes to assure himself what he just saw, then grabs the lighter and writes the LOJM a check for a million dollars on the spot.
The LOJM says "Not so fast. How do l know this check is good"? So they both go to the Arab's bank and have the check cashed, at which point they shake hands and part ways.
The Arab jumps in the car and is driven home. At home, he sits at the table, clicks the golden lighter, and sure enough, the genie re-appears and says, "Sir, what do you wish for?"
The Arab says: "First, l need you to return to me the million dollars that I paid for you. In addition, I need a new yacht, my own private jet, and two Mercedes in my garage.
The Genie makes a sad face, and says: "l am very sorry, Sir. I can only serve you tea or coffee. Do you want sugar with that?"
https://redd.it/1rgx00r
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A lawyer who had just undergone surgery emerges from anesthesia and notices that the room is dark. "Nurse, why are all the blinds drawn?"
And the nurse says, "There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
https://redd.it/1rb16ev
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The Tired Lawyer
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
https://redd.it/1rasfgw
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What did the fish say when they hit a wall?
Dam!
https://redd.it/1raj5ys
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When people find out that I'm a terrible electrician...
...they're shocked.
https://redd.it/1r6ucvb
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Today I saw two teenagers kissing in the park
It reminded me of my teenage days,when I used to see other teenagers kissing in the park .
https://redd.it/1r5eprw
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I had an older guy tell me once he didn't wanna talk about reincarnation.
So I said to him "Back when I was your age, I didn't know what to believe, either."
https://redd.it/1r56zmf
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My girlfriend is yelling at me right now because apparently I “ruined Valentines Day”
Don’t know how that’s possible, considering I didn’t even know it was Valentines Day
https://redd.it/1r4zyqt
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English to become the official EU language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
https://redd.it/1r4osxw
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An ego and a superego walk into a bar
The bartender says "I'm gonna need to see some id".
https://redd.it/1qzxx5o
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the coffee and the Bible
A husband and a wife are arguing who among them is supposed to make coffee in the morning. They are both very religious, so the wife said she will open the Bible on a random page and see Divine guidance from it.
She opens the Bible and points to the title of the current Bible book: "See, honey? You are supposed to do it."
The husband looks at the title:
"HEBREWS"
https://redd.it/1qzo558
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Did you hear about the criminal with a jurisprudence kink?
He got off on a technicality.
https://redd.it/1rhmzf0
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A mathematician, biologist and physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house.
Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."
The mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
https://redd.it/1rhon7p
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My neighbor told me he couldn’t pay his water bill.
I sent him a “Get well soon” card. . .
https://redd.it/1rh4h60
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A radio show asked people to call in with words they made up
"Alright sir, what is the word you came up with?"
"Goan."
"How do you spell that?"
"G - O - A - N."
"Can you use that in a sentence?"
"Goan fuck yourself!"
The host disconnects the caller and profusely apologizes to the public.
They get several more callers, all being polite. A while later, another caller goes on.
"What's your word, sir?"
"Smee."
"How do you spell it?"
"S - M - E - E."
"Can you use that in a sentence?"
"Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"
https://redd.it/1rh3hkt
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How much soda can a tropical bird drink?
Toucans!
https://redd.it/1rb50xp
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A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face.
A regular sees him and says "Hey guy, you doing alright?"
"I'm doing terrible" the guys says "I'm having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I'm just traveling around town asking if anyone wants to buy him off me. He's in the car now."
"I'm sorry to hear that" says the regular, "what are you asking for him?"
"500 dollars" the man says.
"Whoa that's a lot of money for a dog" the regular says
"Well, it's like that dog is a part of my family. He's the gentlest, sweetest dog you've ever seen. He never barks, unless there is an intruder, in which case he turns into the meanest SOB that ever lived. When he needs to go, he'll just nudge your leg once or twice and then sit by the door and wait till you're ready to let him out. My kids and wife love him, and are going to hate me for selling him, but I don't have any other options."
The regular says "well jeez, guy. If the dog is that good, I'll take him. I'd be happy to help you out"
A year later the man walks into the bar again.
This time the regular is there again, but he screams "YOU! YOU SOLD ME THAT GOOD FOR NOTHIN' SON OF A BITCH DOG. That dog does nothing but shit all over the house. He barks constantly, and tries to bite my wife and kids every chance he gets. I swear to god the day I bought that dog was the last good day I've had!"
The man looks at the regular, smiles, and says "Mister... you're never ever gonna sell that dog if you keep talking about him like that"
https://redd.it/1raxk0b
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My cousin is an awful racist...
... he's so nice to black people we had to throw him out of the KKK
https://redd.it/1ranwgm
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why is Dwayne Johnson the only man that can turn lesbians?
cuz rock beats scissors
https://redd.it/1raf08w
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He had a point.
Mikey and I were going West on I-84 and had just stopped for gas and lunch in Boise when our talk turned to our favorite book series. I, of course, was listing off all the fantasy series I'd enjoyed. LOTR, naturally. Dragonriders of Pern. Broken Earth. Percy Jackson. Discworld. Will Wight's Cradle Series. Terry Brooks' "Magic Kingdom for sale... Sold!"...
"Wait, WHAT?" said Mikey. "Terry Brooks? No man. No. You can't EVEN list that guy with the others. He's a hack!"
"What?" I said, while Mike grabbed another grape from the bag we'd snagged in Boise. "His stuff is fun! The Magic Kingdom series was, at least. And a good friend of mine was really into Shannara back..."
Mike made a retching noise. "SHANNARA? Oh God. That was... just the least creative rip-off of LOTR ever."
"We really enjoyed it."
"Oh you DID, did you? When was this?"
"Back when we were in middle school..."
"See? Middle school. You were hardly discerning readers back then."
And then he started making horrific gross disgusting choking noises.
I thought he was just poking more fun at my tastes, but then I realized he really WAS choking on one of those grapes. By the time I figured it out, pulled over the car, and tried to help him get it dislodged, it was too late. :(
And it's haunted me ever since, the time when Mike died on the Oregon Trail of dissin' Terry.
https://redd.it/1r5tkmc
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Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Who was biggest?
The baby. He was a little Bigger.
https://redd.it/1r5ewki
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Adam Smith and Karl Marx walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, fellows?"
Adam Smith says, "I'll have a beer."
The bartender pours a beer and slides it in front of Adam Smith. He then turns to Karl Marx and says, "And for you?"
And Marx says, "I'll have what he's having."
https://redd.it/1r4pmas
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As we entered the restaurant, I noticed it was very crowded.
I walked up to the hostess and said:
"Table for four, please. Will it be long?"
She didn't answer, so I asked again:
"How long of a wait?"
She then replied:
"15 minutes."
15 minutes later, I heard the hostess say:
"Willette B. Long, your table is ready."
https://redd.it/1r4u8lz
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A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
https://redd.it/1r0juv1
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What's the difference between a Jake Paul fight and a totaled car?
The Jake Paul fight gets fixed.
https://redd.it/1qzt1ft
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My grief counsellor died.
He was so good, I don’t even care.
https://redd.it/1qzl98a
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