1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I looked round the table at a family dinner and saw my wife, son and daughter were all on their phones. Can we please just put out phones down for half an hour and enjoy some quality time together, I asked.
They all left me on read.
https://redd.it/1sw072v
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A man walks into a confessional.
"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I am 75 years old, and I've recently started dating a 25-year-old woman. She's drop dead gorgeous, loves sex, and is unbelievable in bed. We have sex at least three or four times a day, and each time, I make her scream like a banshee."
"Oh my! This is indeed a sin. As penance, you must say five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers every day for the next week."
"What? I can't do that, I'm Jewish!"
"You're Jewish? Then why are you telling ME?"
"I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
https://redd.it/1svxl20
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An Irishman stops by the market and picks up two cases of Guinness, a quart of scotch and a loaf of bread.
When he gets home he carries the purchases into the kitchen and puts them on the counter. His wife sees this and says, "So... are we havin' a party?"
The Irishman says, "No."
And his wife says, "Then what's the bread for?"
https://redd.it/1svtaut
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A guy at confession says to the priest: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
https://redd.it/1svjnme
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The CIA, MI6, and KGB decide to have a competition to decide once and for all who are the best intelligence agency.
They meet on an island in the Pacific and release a rabbit into the forest, and then one by one each of them has to see how long it takes them to catch it.
The CIA goes into the forest first. They place the most sensitive listening equipment every few dozen meters. They scan the forest with satellites and analyze the images with AI. They pay the birds and mice to be informants. After four weeks, they write a report saying the rabbit does not exist and has never existed.
The MI6 team goes into the forest. After a couple days with no leads they make a pot of tea and argue about cricket for a week, and then return and declare the rabbit must have escaped to another island.
The KGB goes into the forest. Two hours later they return with a bear covered with bruises and two black eyes saying: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, my family are all rabbits, and everyone I know is a rabbit!”
https://redd.it/1svas2d
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If your girl asks you, "Would you still want me if I was overweight?"
Apparently, the correct answer is NOT, "But I already do."
https://redd.it/1sv6coe
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I work with idiots.
Every Christmas they get me the same gifts: sponges, soap, body wash, shampoo.
I keep telling them I don’t like to shower… but they just won’t take the hint.
https://redd.it/1suh4ih
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Joke about dead pilots
Two pilots are dead and brave passengers break down the door to take control of the plane. They get on to air traffic control who guide them….
“Ok stay calm…now do you see those 3 switches located on main panel?”
“Yes, yes!!!”
“Ok make sure they are all switched to ‘on’”
“Ok, ok!!”
Passengers are sweating with panic…
“You see the dial above the copilots head?”
“Yes, yes!!”
“Make sure it is rotated 90 degrees clockwise”
The passengers follow the order ….
“Ok it’s done!!!!”
More instructions from ATC…
“Now the blue button on the left hand panel…make sure that is engaged”
“Ok, ok I think it’s done” sweats the passenger
“Good. Now slide the red lever 50% northwards”
The passengers are in a state of flux but coping….
After 5 or 6 minutes of intense conversation and instructions, air traffic control declare…
“Ok, I think we’re going to be ok……
……you’re all clear to take off”
https://redd.it/1sundvo
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Did you know that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison? Poisons I, II and III instantly killed the victim upon contact...
Poison IV just made the victim extremely itchy.
https://redd.it/1sue0y2
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5 homeless guys under a bridge at night.
They are getting warm around a small fire when one of them grabs a piece of cardboard, rolls it into a tube and hits another guy in the back of the head and screams:
Pillow fight!
https://redd.it/1su2pwp
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My girlfriend and I watched 3 DVDs back to back last night….
….luckily I was the one facing the telly
©️Tim Vine
https://redd.it/1stx2so
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A young lady goes to her professor and says "Sir, I know I'm failing this course, but I really need to pass it, and I'm prepared to do anything to see that I do!"
The professor says, "So, would you-"
"Yes!"
"-be prepared to-"
"YES!!"
"...study?"
https://redd.it/1stuiv9
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A truck driver named John was in court after a horrific accident where he drove his truck through a crowded farmer's market, claiming fifty lives.
The courtroom was silent as the prosecutor approached the stand, looking John dead in the eye.
The prosecutor said, "John, we have the tire tracks. We have the witness testimony. You were driving down a straight road. To your left, there was a lone man fixing a flat tire. To your right, there was a crowded market with fifty people. You steered directly into the crowd. How do you explain yourself?"
Wiping his brow and looking distressed, John replied, "It was a nightmare, sir. I was coming down the hill when my brakes completely gave out. I was flying! I had a split second to make a choice."
The prosecutor asked, "And you chose to hit fifty people instead of one man?"
John exclaimed, "No! Of course not! I'm not a monster. I aimed for that one guy!"
The prosecutor, now even more confused, shouted, "Then how did you end up plowing through the entire market and killing fifty people?"
John sighed heavily and answered, "Well, just as I was about to hit him... the jerk started running toward the crowd!"
https://redd.it/1sthcqe
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"Doctors and Nurses"
A woman brings ten-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her ten-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Never mind sex" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
https://redd.it/1stclzd
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Two gay guys are in their apartment. The first guy says, "Let's play hide and go seek. If you find me, I'll blow you."
The second guys says, "What if I can't find you?"
And the first guy says, "I'll be behind the piano."
https://redd.it/1st2a6z
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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
https://redd.it/1sw4g7f
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Why can't childless men tell dad jokes?
They aren't kidding.
https://redd.it/1svt0ua
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A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
"Can I help you?"
"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.
"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.
As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him."Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us? You should go outside and help the poor man."
Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?"
In the distance, he hears a reply, "Yes Please.""Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
https://redd.it/1svqu0q
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A Lufthansa flight is over the Atlantic when there is a loud BANG! The plane shudders, and starts to go down. The pilot gets on the speaker and says, "Ladies und gentlemen. As you probably haffe noticed, we haffe lost all of our engines, und we are currently plummeting toward zee ocean!"
Well, everyone on the plane starts screaming and carrying on.
The pilot gets back on the speaker and says, "Ladies und gentlemen, haffe no fear! We at Lufthansa haffe prepared for just zuch an emergency. Listen carefully. Zoze of you who can swim, move to zee left zide of zee airplane. Zoze of you who cannot swim, move to zee right zide of zee airplane."
So the passengers start trading places and moving around; swimmers on the left and non-swimmers on the right.
After a minute or so the pilot gets back on the speaker. "Okay, ladies und gentlemen. In just a few minutes we vill plummet into zee ocean. Zoze of you on zee left zide of zee plane: as soon as we hit zee ocean, leave zee plane und swim avay as fast as you can. Zoze of you on zee right zide of zee plane: thank you for flying Lufthansa!"
https://redd.it/1svec0j
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My wife glared at me and growled, "Act your age!" I chuckled, "But honey, I don’t know how!"
"I’ve never been this old before!"
https://redd.it/1sv9seq
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My girlfriend made it clear that she has two unwritten rules:
1.
2.
https://redd.it/1sv12sz
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My wife suggested I get myself a penis enlarger
So I did - Debbie is 21 and very flexible....
https://redd.it/1suo15f
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A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."
"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"
"Five," replies the boy.
"And where will you live?" asks the mother.
"Well," says the boy, "Janie's room is bigger than my room, so we'll live in her room."
"How about expenses?" asks the father. "What are you going to do for money?"
"I get a dollar a week in allowance," says the lad, "and Janie gets seventy five cents. If we put them together we´ll be okay."
"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have children?"
"Well," says the boy, "we've been lucky so far."
https://redd.it/1sujso3
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Trying to decide whether to move to Switzerland....
and I have to admit that the flag is a big plus
https://redd.it/1su9vl2
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List of the 10 worst dog breeds:
10. There
9. Are
8. No
7. Bad
6. Dog
5. Breeds
4. Only
<3. Terrible
2. Owners
1. Chihuahuas
https://redd.it/1su4nbc
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A dad and his son are in the forest.
The son turns to his dad and says, “Dad, what’s an alcoholic?”
“Well, son.” The dad replies. “You see those two trees in that clearing over there? If you were an alcoholic, you’d see four trees.”
The son looks to where his dad is pointing and looks back at him.
“Uh… Dad, I only see one tree in the clearing.”
https://redd.it/1stm7q0
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My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me." He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!" She answered...
"Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."
https://redd.it/1stgk4t
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I've decided to dedicate my life to helping prostitutes get off the streets...
...for an hour or so each
https://redd.it/1st0u1w
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A high end and very well known business wants to hire a new accountant.
But everybody who went in for an interview got rejected. People with 30+ years in the industry were turned away like they were morons. The reputation of this job started to spread, and caught the attention of a kid who recently graduated college and was looking for a job in the field.
He figured he had nothing to lose, so he applied and was called into an interview with the CEO.
The CEO said "I only ask one question when looking for accountants." The kid gulped, but nodded. After a pause, the CEO asked:
"What's 1+1?"
Confused, the kid thought about the question for a bit, then smiled and answered "it's whatever you want it to be."
"You got the job," the CEO replied.
https://redd.it/1st5bfv
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Did you hear about the man who ate clocks?
They were delicious, but it was time consuming.
https://redd.it/1sso4jb
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