1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
5 homeless guys under a bridge at night.
They are getting warm around a small fire when one of them grabs a piece of cardboard, rolls it into a tube and hits another guy in the back of the head and screams:
Pillow fight!
https://redd.it/1su2pwp
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My girlfriend and I watched 3 DVDs back to back last night….
….luckily I was the one facing the telly
©️Tim Vine
https://redd.it/1stx2so
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A young lady goes to her professor and says "Sir, I know I'm failing this course, but I really need to pass it, and I'm prepared to do anything to see that I do!"
The professor says, "So, would you-"
"Yes!"
"-be prepared to-"
"YES!!"
"...study?"
https://redd.it/1stuiv9
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A truck driver named John was in court after a horrific accident where he drove his truck through a crowded farmer's market, claiming fifty lives.
The courtroom was silent as the prosecutor approached the stand, looking John dead in the eye.
The prosecutor said, "John, we have the tire tracks. We have the witness testimony. You were driving down a straight road. To your left, there was a lone man fixing a flat tire. To your right, there was a crowded market with fifty people. You steered directly into the crowd. How do you explain yourself?"
Wiping his brow and looking distressed, John replied, "It was a nightmare, sir. I was coming down the hill when my brakes completely gave out. I was flying! I had a split second to make a choice."
The prosecutor asked, "And you chose to hit fifty people instead of one man?"
John exclaimed, "No! Of course not! I'm not a monster. I aimed for that one guy!"
The prosecutor, now even more confused, shouted, "Then how did you end up plowing through the entire market and killing fifty people?"
John sighed heavily and answered, "Well, just as I was about to hit him... the jerk started running toward the crowd!"
https://redd.it/1sthcqe
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"Doctors and Nurses"
A woman brings ten-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her ten-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Never mind sex" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
https://redd.it/1stclzd
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Two gay guys are in their apartment. The first guy says, "Let's play hide and go seek. If you find me, I'll blow you."
The second guys says, "What if I can't find you?"
And the first guy says, "I'll be behind the piano."
https://redd.it/1st2a6z
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What do you call a dwarf psychic who escapes from jail?
A small medium at large.
https://redd.it/1sspr7y
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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
https://redd.it/1ssnnoh
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Remember, you're not bald because of your dad, you're bald because of your mom.
She fucked a bald dude.
https://redd.it/1ssc8en
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How do Lobsters clap?
They give you a round of a-claws
(My 5-year old made this up this evening while watching a YouTube video)
https://redd.it/1ss08og
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A young man is walking through his apartment lobby when he bumps into a gorgeous woman wearing a very loosely-tied robe.
She begins flirting with him, and after a minute she places her hand on his chest and says, "Let's go to my place. I hear someone coming."
He follows her into her apartment, and once inside she immediately slips off her robe.
"Tell me," she purrs, "what do you think is my best feature?"
"Um, I guess that would be your ears," he replies nervously.
"My ears?" she says. "Look at these breasts! And this ass! How can you possibly think that the best part of this body is my ears?"
"Well," he stammers, "back in the hall when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
https://redd.it/1sruf9t
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A businessman is impressed by a fellow businessman and asks, "David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?"
John visits his friend David, a fellow businessman, and clearly impressed asks him; "David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?"
"Easy," she said. "I surround myself with people who actually have a brain. Watch." He calls his Chief Financial Officer and asks, "He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?"
The CFO responds almost immediately: "That’s me."
John is floored. He flies home, calls his own CFO, and says, "Mike, I’ve got a test for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?"
The CFO stammers for twenty minutes before asking for 24 hours to "research" it. He panics and calls Warren Buffet. "Sir, quick question: Your father’s son, but not your brother. Who is it?"
Buffet sighs. "It’s me, Mike."
Mike runs to his boss, all proud. "Sir! I have the answer! It’s Warren Buffet!"
John slams his desk. "No, you idiot! It’s David's finance guy!"
https://redd.it/1srl7nd
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I think I have an original joke
What do a racist and a Homosexual have in common?
They always seem to out themselves at family events!
https://redd.it/1srbicx
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Therapist: "Describe this picture"
Me: "My father yelling at me"
Therapist: "And this one?"
Me: "My wife cheating on me with my best friend"
Therapist: "And this one?"
Me: "Aren't you supposed to be using ink blots?"
https://redd.it/1sra1oz
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A seven-year old girl tells her mom, "Little Johnny asked me to play doctor today."
"Oh, dear," the mother says nervously. "What happened, honey?"
And the little girl says, "Not much. He made me sit in a chair for 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
https://redd.it/1sqye9l
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List of the 10 worst dog breeds:
10. There
9. Are
8. No
7. Bad
6. Dog
5. Breeds
4. Only
<3. Terrible
2. Owners
1. Chihuahuas
https://redd.it/1su4nbc
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A dad and his son are in the forest.
The son turns to his dad and says, “Dad, what’s an alcoholic?”
“Well, son.” The dad replies. “You see those two trees in that clearing over there? If you were an alcoholic, you’d see four trees.”
The son looks to where his dad is pointing and looks back at him.
“Uh… Dad, I only see one tree in the clearing.”
https://redd.it/1stm7q0
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My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me." He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!" She answered...
"Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."
https://redd.it/1stgk4t
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I've decided to dedicate my life to helping prostitutes get off the streets...
...for an hour or so each
https://redd.it/1st0u1w
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A high end and very well known business wants to hire a new accountant.
But everybody who went in for an interview got rejected. People with 30+ years in the industry were turned away like they were morons. The reputation of this job started to spread, and caught the attention of a kid who recently graduated college and was looking for a job in the field.
He figured he had nothing to lose, so he applied and was called into an interview with the CEO.
The CEO said "I only ask one question when looking for accountants." The kid gulped, but nodded. After a pause, the CEO asked:
"What's 1+1?"
Confused, the kid thought about the question for a bit, then smiled and answered "it's whatever you want it to be."
"You got the job," the CEO replied.
https://redd.it/1st5bfv
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Did you hear about the man who ate clocks?
They were delicious, but it was time consuming.
https://redd.it/1sso4jb
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One of my friends got married in a church that was right next to a cell tower;
The reception was incredible
https://redd.it/1ssmgvb
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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!" I groaned, "No..."
"Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
https://redd.it/1sshw9o
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I tried telling jokes in sign language...
But they fell on deaf ears.
https://redd.it/1ss5742
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I just watched a pirated movie.
On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.1415926535
https://redd.it/1ss2naj
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Women call me ugly only until they find how much I make
Then they call me ugly and poor!!
https://redd.it/1srmvph
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What do you call a Roman Emperor with epilepsy?
Julius Seizure
https://redd.it/1srdqwh
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I'm so broke that when a con man got my banking information...
he put money into my account.
https://redd.it/1sr7iow
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What do stoners & prime numbers have in common?
The higher they are, the more spaced out they get
https://redd.it/1sr02rd
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If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss....
What does smoking marijuana do?
https://redd.it/1sqqkqe
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