1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A clown walks into a bar.
His demeanor is awful. He asks the bartender for a shot, but tells him he won't be able to pay for it.
The bartender takes one look at his face and decides he needs it. "Sure, buddy. You look awful. Wanna talk about it?""
The clown downs the shot and says "My God. Today is the worst day of my life. I'm in town for a comedy show, but my Joke Gopher was stolen, the show was cancelled, my hotel reservation was cancelled because of the show, and my bank accounts have been frozen!" He slumps in his seat and shakes his head.
The bartender pours him another shot. "Wow, that's a really awful day. I'm sorry, but what's a Joke Gopher?"
The clown shakes his head again. "Not much these days, or I wouldn't be begging for drinks!"
https://redd.it/1sgpg8o
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Dave pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?” Dave beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."
"She was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
https://redd.it/1sfpeku
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I went to a homosexual cookout and met so many lovely people.
I've never felt so welcomed by the LGBBQ community.
https://redd.it/1ses2he
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I survived a fall without a parachute...
I've also survived a winter, spring and summer without one, too.
https://redd.it/1se43t3
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal...
One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."
https://redd.it/1sea8hr
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What do you call a black man and a white woman on the far side of the moon?
Victor Glover and Christina Koch. And massive respect to the whole crew making history today!
https://redd.it/1se9xmn
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A spaceship lands in St. Peter's square in Rome...
... and an alien emerges and is immediately granted an audience with the Pope.
After the alien assures the Pope they come in peace, the Pope asks, "I know this question may sound odd, but I was wondering if your people know about Jesus Christ?"
"Of course we do!”, says the alien, “He visits our planet every couple years! Fantastic guy!"
"Every two years?" gasps the Pope. "We're still waiting for his *second* coming!"
"Really?”, says the alien. “Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"
"Our chocolate?" asks the Pope. "What does chocolate have to do with it?"
"Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?"
https://redd.it/1sdvrmn
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A man decided to change his name
A man decided to change his name from Herbert to Justin.
After a few weeks, his friend asked him what it was like making the change as an adult.
The man replied, "At first it was strange not using my old name, but I'm a Justin."
https://redd.it/1sdlczn
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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
https://redd.it/1s8d4et
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"Daddy, when I grow up I wanna be a musician!"
"Son, you can't have it both ways."
https://redd.it/1s81kda
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Greg got snipped
Greg was adamant he didn’t want kids, so he finally booked a vasectomy and spent weeks mentally preparing for it.
Came home after the procedure… and the kids were still there.
https://redd.it/1s7lpuv
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Last night, I laid my head on my wife in bed. She said "Why are your ears so cold?"
I could feel a pun there but it just didn't appear. I was frozen. I told her as much.
It haunted me all night. In the morning on my hour drive to work, it was in my head. Same on the drive home.
Finally it came to me.
I got home, walked inside, and first thing I said to her was "ear conditioning."
"What?"
"That's why my ears were cold."
The look she gave me as she realized how much time I spent finding that one.
It's an art form, dads. Sometimes you have to work for it. Don't give up.
https://redd.it/1s7h5n1
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In medieval England, Sir Reginald says to his wife, “Sweeting, I go anon unto the tavern.”
His wife replies, “My lord, thou must not! After all that hath befallen, thou didst swear to forswear drink forevermore.”
"Hark, I must go," decrees Sir Reginald, "for I have weighty business with Sir Archibald, Sir Thomas, and Sir Gregory. But take heart, my love—I shall have naught but tea and a crumpet. Thou hast my word.”
“Very well,” she says, "Then shall I expect thee home with thy wits about thee.”
Sir Reginald enters the tavern and what should meet his gaze but an ENORMOUS DRAGON! He draws his sword at once and cries, “Fear not, good sirs! I shall dispatch this foul beast!”
But his friends leap up and say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa—easy there, Sir Reginald. This is Valkor. He’s cool AF. We’ve been drinking with him this past hour. Sit with us and hear the dragon’s remarkable tales.”
“Oh,” says Sir Reginald, sheathing his sword. “Carry on, then.”
The four knights make merry with the dragon deep into the night. True to his word, Sir Reginald keeps to his tea and crumpets until the dragon turns to him and says, “What art thou, a wee maid? Have an ale, thou absolute codfish!”
“Well,” says Sir Reginald, “a new friendship with a dragon doth call for some small celebration. One ale cannot undo me.”
HUZZAH!
Some ten ales later, the knights decide to take turns riding upon the dragon high above the village. Sir Reginald goes last–and being thoroughly hammered, he swoons mid-flight, tumbles from Valkor’s back, and falls to his death just outside the tavern.
Valkor cries, “Oh shit oh shit oh shit” …and promptly flees the realm.
Sir Reginald’s wife arrives, wailing, “What in God’s name hath happened to my dear Sir Reginald?!”
Sir Archibald bows his head and responds gravely, “He fell off the dragon.”
https://redd.it/1s79xhm
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The worst paid employee
The IRS got suspicious that a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his staff, so they sent an agent to investigate.
The agent climbed aboard the boat and said, “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”
The boat owner replied, “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand. He’s been with me for three years. I pay him $1,000 a week, plus free room and board.
“Then there’s this mentally challenged guy. He works about eighteen hours a day and does almost all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and every Saturday night I buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a dozen Budweisers so he can cope with life. He even gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.”
The IRS agent frowned and said, “That’s the guy I want to talk to — the mentally challenged one.”
The boat owner nodded and said, “That would be me. What would you like to know?”
https://redd.it/1s72f26
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
https://redd.it/1s6oyzb
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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
https://redd.it/1sgm9wa
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A time traveller goes back to ancient Rome and immediately starts looking for local clothing.
He finds a tailor's shop and says "Hey, could I have a toga please?"
"Sure, what size?" says the shopkeeper.
"I don't know. Let's try an L."
The shopkeeper hands him a toga, the time traveller tries it on, then he says "It's a bit tight. Could I try an XL, please?"
And the shopkeeper says "What's the fucking point of asking for a smaller one?"
https://redd.it/1sf262h
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My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...
Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.
https://redd.it/1ses6br
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An American spy decided to give himself up to the Soviet authorities.
Coming across the first KGB office building he could find, he entered, went past the reception desk, entered the first office he could find, and introduced himself.
"Good afternoon, I'm an American spy," he said before he was cut off.
"My apologies, but this office is for internal affairs only," they said. "We process double agents and defectors here. You'll want to go to the east wing, take the first right there, and go to the door at the end of the hall."
He walked to the east wing, following their instructions until he reached the office. There, he opened the door and once again introduced himself.
"Good afternoon, I'm an American spy. My conscience is torturing me, so I've decided to give myself up."
"An American, you say?" they asked him. "We only deal with Englishmen. Go down the hall until you come to the second door on the left. Ask for Colonel Muchin."
"Good afternoon, I'm an American spy," he said after entering Muchin's office. "I was dropped by parachute into Soviet territory—"
"By parachute?" the Colonel interrupted. "That's not my jurisdiction. The only spies I handle are American frogmen. You should be in the other ward, across the way on the third floor at Room 1223."
The American wandered around the building until he finally found the room he needed. He stopped to catch his breath before entering.
"Good afternoon, I'm an American spy dropped from a plane to blow up a bridge of strategic—"
"No, no, no," they told him. "We have nothing to do with explosive specialists. We only handle photography of military bases and missile silos. You'll want to head to that little building in the courtyard. There's an entrance in the street."
He got up, slowly walking to the next office, clearly tired. Before he entered the courtyard office, he bought a glass of soda with syrup from a nearby vending machine before drinking it and setting the glass back. Then he entered the office, introducing himself yet again.
"Good afternoon, I'm an American spy dropped from a plane to blow up a bridge of strategic importance," he said. "It's one of the bridges across the Volga."
"Not my jurisdiction, I'm afraid," they replied. "I handle matters with the Moskva, not the Volga. You'll want to go back inside the main building and head to the top floor, then go to the furthest office on the left."
He went back in, heading up to the top floor. By the time he reached it, he was exhausted and dragging himself to the office. Opening the door, he stumbled inside.
"Good evening," he blurted out. "I'm...an American spy...dropped from a plane...to blow up a bridge...across the Volga...of strategic importance..."
"Oh, to hell with it!" the head of the office cried, throwing his hand down in annoyance. "No one gives me any time to finish my annual report! Well, why did you roll in here, anyway? You've been given a mission, so carry it out!"
https://redd.it/1selsio
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What is a small joke that you get a big laugh out of?
in the 1980 movie "The Blues Brothers" there is a hair salon called "Curl Up and Dye". I laugh every time I think about it. What tiny little funny makes you laugh every time?
https://redd.it/1sebmve
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My family tree:
Great-grandparents: 4 children
Grandparents: 2 children
Parents: 1 child
Me: 1 cat
Cat: neutered
https://redd.it/1se3nac
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
https://redd.it/1sdv26f
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Guy is sitting on his porch drinking a beer
Watching as his wife mows the lawn. Nosy neighbor lady is walking by and scoffs at the man “oh my word this is unacceptable, you ought to be hung”. The man tells her “I am, why do you think she’s mowing the lawn “.
https://redd.it/1sdg17k
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Old woman tries to spice up her sex life and buys some crotchless panties.
She comes home, puts them on, and shows her husband.
Do you want some of this? She asks.
Hell No! He says. Look what that thing did to those panties!
https://redd.it/1s83ymf
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A string instrument walks into a bar.
The barkeep asks, "what are you?"
The instrument says, "I'm a harp."
The barkeep replies, "Aren't you a little small to be a harp?"
The instrument replies, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
https://redd.it/1s7vstm
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What do you call a Target store that's burned to the ground?
Kohl's
https://redd.it/1s7efd5
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What's the difference between Disney Plus and Pornhub?
Disney Plus wants you to HATE your stepmother.
https://redd.it/1s7gkgf
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A joke told by Clement Freud. on the old Johnny Carson show.
A campaigning politician was driving in the country, meeting his constituents. Passing a farmhouse, he struck and killed a rooster in the road. He told the farmer, " Sorry but I've run over your rooster." Reaching for his wallet. he added, "I'd very much like to replace him, of course." The farmer said, "Fine, you can start right away, the chickens are out back"
https://redd.it/1s72kup
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What’s the back side of a Sphinx called?
The sphinxter
https://redd.it/1s6n2qi
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I complained to my son, "It’s a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore! The T.V. we just bought says, “Built in Antenna” and to be perfectly honest..."
"I don’t even know where that is!"
https://redd.it/1s6r630
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