1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Three pastors of churches are sitting around having a lunch together when the topic of tithes and offerings is brought up...
They ask each other how do their different churches decide how much of the money collected goes to the poor and those and need, verses how much of the money is kept by the church for the church's upkeep, growth and the Pastor's own pocket.
The Catholic priest goes first... "To keep myself honest, we don't count any of the baskets... and instead we altenate... one basket for the poor, next basket for the church, third basket for me, then we go again... poor, church, me... somedays I do better than others..."
Next the Methodist pastor speaks up... "Well, what I do... and this might sound crazy... is I have a circle painted on the floor in my office. And each Sunday after service, I take all the collection plates and throw the money up in the air and whatever lands in the circle, we keep for the church and myself, and whatever lands outside the circle goes for those in need and the poor"
Lastly the Baptist preacher speaks... "Well... mine is kind of like our Methodist friend here... After the service... I take all the money... throw it up in the air... whatever God wants, he catches... anything that falls to the floor is for me"
Lol.
https://redd.it/1q4lqzs
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A guy goes to the doctor
He says "Doctor I have the strangest complaint. When I fart it makes this weird noise!"
The doctor says "Well can you demonstrate?"
Guy says "hang on a minute ", strains slightly and this sound reverberates "hhhonda" from his bum.
The doctor days "I know exactly what that is, you have an abscess on your butt"
Thr guy exclaims "how do you know that???"
The doctor replies "Didn't you know, abscess makes the fart go honda?"
https://redd.it/1q3w9h7
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Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the medical elements?
Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
https://redd.it/1q3rnm0
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People have an unjustifiably high opinion of physicists compared to mathematicians.
When a physics professor from Berkeley makes a bomb, he's a hero and gets a Nolan biopic.
When a math professor from Berkeley makes a bomb, he gets life imprisonment.
Where's the justice?
https://redd.it/1q3lpm5
@r_jokes
Comrade Lieutenant
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
Two friends drink vodka and loudly tell political jokes in their hotel room. The third, exhausted, tries to sleep but cannot.
Frustrated, he goes downstairs for a smoke. On the way, he asks the receptionist to bring tea to room 39 in five minutes.
Returning upstairs, he joins them briefly, then leans toward a power outlet and says, “Comrade lieutenant, please send tea to room 39.”
His friends burst into laughter at the joke. Moments later, a knock sounds… and the receptionist arrives with a teapot. The laughter dies; his friends turn pale and silent. The evening ends abruptly, and the tired man finally sleeps.
In the morning, he wakes to find his friends gone. Alarmed, he asks the receptionist what happened.
She whispers nervously, “The KGB came before dawn and took them.”
Horrified, he asks why he was spared.
“Comrade lieutenant really liked your tea joke.”
https://redd.it/1q39e2y
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Life is about perspective, I have a friend that has sex 3 times a week, has time to read a book weekly, exercises daily
Yet he still complains about being in prison.
https://redd.it/1q34vy0
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A little girl asks, "Mom, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her mom says, "No, because Lulu's in heat."
"What does that mean?" asks the girl.
"Go ask your father."
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Lulu for the walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said Lulu's in heat and I should ask you."
Her dad takes a rag, soaks it in gas, and rubs the dog's backside to disguise the scent. "Okay, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go around the block once."
The little girl leaves, and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. The dad says, "Where's Lulu?"
And the little girl says, "She ran out of gas halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
https://redd.it/1q3095r
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Redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery…
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think they’re crawling to the light?"
https://redd.it/1q26isi
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TIL 60 Roman Senators had conspired to kill Julius Caesar on the Ides of March, but only 23 stab wounds were found on his body after his death.
Goes to show that even 2000 years ago, most group project members did fuck all but still insisted taking the credit.
https://redd.it/1q2ehew
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Two nuns are driving back from church late one night
As they make their way across small country roads they are suddenly held up by a man in the middle of the road stumbling around in a drunken state, forcing the nuns to slow to a crawling pace. Eventually the man stops entirely, turns to face the nuns, mumbles out some gibberish before slumping onto their bonnet staring straight at the nuns through their windscreen.
The nuns look at each other in frustration. Sister Mary says to Sister Anne, "Oh this, is ridiculous. We must get back to the Nunnery as soon as possible! I don't think this man even realises we are servants of God, show him your cross".
So Sister Anne winds down her window, leans out the car and says "GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR YOU DRUNK PRICK!"
https://redd.it/1q24ecc
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A plane was about to crash, and
there were only four parachutes onboard - but five people. The first passenger, a world-famous football star, said,
"I'm at the top of my career. I can't die now!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The second passenger, a very wealthy businessman, said,I'm one of the richest people alive. I'm still needed!" He took another parachute and jumped.
The third passenger, a politician, said, "I'm one of the smartest leaders around. My people need me!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
That left an elderly priest and a young schoolgirl.
The priest said kindly, "My child, you take the last parachute. Il sacrifice myself." The little girl smiled and replied, "No need, sir.
There are stil! two parachutes left." Surprised, the priest asked, "How's that possible?"
She replied, "The politician took my school bag."
https://redd.it/1q1zt39
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A husband and wife are arguing...
The argument gets extremely heated, and the wife is so mad that she grabs the nearest thing she can find (a copy of *Oliver Twist*), and hits her husband across the face with it.
He staggers back, clutching his cheek. The wife regrets it immediately, realizing she had just hurt him badly. "Sweetheart I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"
He replies "okay? No I'm not okay! That hurt like the Dickens!"
https://redd.it/1q19g55
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A father is listening to his young daughter say her bedtime prayers. She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma… and goodbye, Grandpa”...
The father looks startled. “Why did you say goodbye to Grandpa?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” she says. “I just felt like saying it.”
The next day, Grandpa drops dead.
“Well,” the father thinks, “that’s a strange coincidence.”
A month later, he’s listening again as she says her prayers.
“God bless Mommy and Daddy… and goodbye, Grandma.”
Sure enough, the next day Grandma passes away.
Now the father knows this is more than coincidence—but he doesn’t dare tell his wife. After all, Grandma and Grandpa were her parents.
Months go by.
One night, he listens nervously as his daughter begins her prayers: “God bless Mommy…”
She pauses, turns her head, looks straight at him, and says, “…and goodbye, Daddy.”
“What?!” he blurts out. “Are you sure, sweetheart?”
She nods.
The man’s heart starts pounding. He breaks out in a sweat and doesn’t sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes to work but locks himself in his office. He cancels all meetings, takes the phone off the hook, and waits for the inevitable.
He stays late—past 5 p.m.—because he feels safer there. The hours crawl by. Finally, midnight arrives.
Still alive.
Relieved but completely exhausted, he drives home, drenched in sweat and shaken to his core.
His wife is waiting for him.
“Where the hell were you all day?!” she demands.
“Don’t yell,” he says. “I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”
She replies, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman dropped dead on the front steps…”
https://redd.it/1q1m6zj
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I asked this hot chick what her New Year's resolution was
She said "Fuck you" so I'm really stoked for 2026!
https://redd.it/1q1eb5q
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Did you hear about the guy who had five penises?
His pants fit him like a glove.
https://redd.it/1q0un33
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A factory worker gets on a trolleybus in Moscow and sits down next to a stern woman wearing a severe grey suit and a Party pin.
After a minute, he notices that despite her cold demeanor, she is quite beautiful. Being drunk on vodka (and feeling reckless), he leans over and whispers, "Comrade, how about we go back to my communal apartment”.
She turns red with rage, slaps him across the face, and hisses, "You hooligan! I am a senior officer of the Moral Committee! One more word and I will have you sent to the Gulag!"
The worker sits in terrified silence for the rest of the ride. After the woman gets off, the trolleybus driver leans back and whispers to the worker:
"Comrade, listen. I know her file. She is a fanatic. Every night she goes to the Red Square to weep at the Mausoleum. If you dressed up as the Ghost of Lenin, you could command her to do anything for the good of the State. I would have done it myself, but I am currently under investigation for listening to jazz."
So, the worker goes home, finds an old suit, glues on a goatee, and waits in the shadows of Red Square. Sure enough, the woman arrives. He jumps out and booms, "Comrade! It is I, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin! To prove your absolute loyalty to the Revolution, you must copulate with me right here on the cobblestones!"
The woman falls to her knees trembling. "Oh, Comrade Lenin! I will do anything for the Party! But please... I insist we do it from behind so I do not look directly upon the face of the Leader. And I must keep my heavy winter coat and hat on, so that no Western spies can identify me."
They finish the act in the freezing cold. The worker rips off his fake beard and yells, "Ha! Surprise! I am the drunk from the trolleybus!"
The woman rips off her coat and hat and yells, "Surprise! I am the trolleybus driver! And I am Major Smirnov of the KGB! You are under arrest for sodomy and impersonating the Premier!"
https://redd.it/1q42yan
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A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, "I always thought it was three wishes."
The genie says, "Check your pants."
The guy looks down and says, "Woah, it's huge!"
And the genie says, "I've been doing this for a long time."
https://redd.it/1q3wx23
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A man goes to a massage therapist for the first time...
He's starting to feel quite relaxed, but then suddenly starts to notice something
Man: is it normal to get an erection during a massage?
Massage Therapist: yes, it's completely normal. Just don't think about it and relax
Man: okay, but do you mind getting it away from my face?
https://redd.it/1q3ob28
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(Jewish joke) A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew...
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew die at the same time and are all dismayed to see the devil, who welcomes them to hell.
The Christian inconsolably sobs, "What?! But I faithfully prayed to our lord and saviour Jesus Christ for absolution of my sin, I shouldn't be here!".
The Muslim frustratedly exclaims, "Ya Allah! I prayed Salah religiously five times every single day like prophet Muhammed, I shouldn't be here either!"
The Jew turns to eye up the devil, sighs, and then asks "How do I get air conditioning arranged in here?"
https://redd.it/1q3ijzq
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Three women go to a farmers market to buy a cucumber.l
Three women go to a farmers market to buy a cucumber.
The first says, “I’d like a long, thin one.”
The second says, “I’d like a short, thick one.”
The third says, “I don’t care — I’m making a salad.”
https://redd.it/1q39vdl
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I waved to a man
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman.
So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport.
I am now in japan starting a new life.
https://redd.it/1q2x3i1
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I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.
I now talk with an Axe scent.
https://redd.it/1q2sijs
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Two buddies from Alabama, Billy Bob and Earl, graduate high school. Billy Bob stays in town pumping gas, while Earl heads off to South Africa to make his fortune.
Three years later, Earl rolls back into town driving a brand new lifted truck.
Billy Bob stares in awe. "Earl, how the hell did you get rich so fast?"
Earl leans in and whispers, "It was the diamond mines, Billy. I’d find a diamond, swallow it, fly home, wait for nature to call, wash it off, and cash it in."
Billy Bob’s eyes go wide. He disappears the next day.
Another year passes. Earl is sitting on his porch when the ground starts shaking. He looks up and sees Black Hawk helicopters swarming the highway, escorting a massive military convoy with tanks and guys in Hazmat suits.
As the armored transport rolls by, Earl sees Billy Bob chained up in the back.
Earl chases the truck down. "Billy Bob! What happened?!"
Billy Bob screams back through the heavy glass: "I tried your trick, Earl! But I got a job at a uranium mine! I swallowed a chunk, let out a fart, and leveled three city blocks! Now the government is hauling me out to the Nevada Test Site just to take a dump!
https://redd.it/1q28wbf
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The seven dwarfs visited the Vatican and had an audience with the pope. Immediately Dopey stepped up and talked to the pope
"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No, Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.
Behind Dopey, the six dwarfs started to titter.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted.
"No, none in Italy," the Pope answered more sternly.
A few more dwarfs began to laugh openly.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the pope was much more firm.
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
By this point, the other dwarfs were laughing out loud and rolling on the ground.
"Pope," Dopey demanded. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the world?"
"No Dopey!" He snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Whereupon the six dwarfs started jumping up and down chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
https://redd.it/1q2fkl5
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Three men go into an employment exchange.
"Occupation?" says the clerk to the first man.
"Cork soaker," says the man. "Pardon?" says the clerk. "Cork. You know, that they put in bottles. It has to reach the proper humidity before it can be made into bottle stoppers. That's where I come in. Highly skilled trade."
"Okay," says the clerk. "And how about you?"
"Coke sacker," says the man. "Pardon?" says the clerk. "Coke. Coal that's been roasted in an oven. Coal gas and coal tar are collected, what's left is nearly pure spongy carbon. It's used as smokeless fuel, and for private sale it's bagged up. That's where I come in. Also pretty highly skilled."
"I see," says the clerk, and turns to the third man, a rather fey-looking young blond with eye shadow and violet fingernails. "How about you?"
"...Need you ask?" giggles the young man.
https://redd.it/1q1y62t
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I can't believe it's 2026 already
2025 seems like it was just yesterday.
https://redd.it/1q1hdcb
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I lost my watch at a party
I lost my watch at a party, an hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
https://redd.it/1q1ivgm
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Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
Two friends drink vodka and loudly tell political jokes in their hotel room. The third, exhausted, tries to sleep but cannot.
Frustrated, he goes downstairs for a smoke. On the way, he asks the receptionist to bring tea to room 39 in five minutes.
Returning upstairs, he joins them briefly, then leans toward a power outlet and says, “Comrade lieutenant, please send tea to room 39.”
His friends burst into laughter at the joke. Moments later, a knock sounds… and the receptionist arrives with a teapot. The laughter dies; his friends turn pale and silent. The evening ends abruptly, and the tired man finally sleeps.
In the morning, he wakes to find his friends gone. Alarmed, he asks the receptionist what happened.
She whispers nervously, “The KGB came before dawn and took them.”
Horrified, he asks why he was spared.
“Comrade lieutenant really liked your tea joke.”
https://redd.it/1q1ip7j
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My New Year’s resolution is to not have sex for a year
I managed to achieve this throughout 2025 so am quite hopeful.
https://redd.it/1q18ruq
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A man is playing fetch with his dog by a lake
He throws a stick out on the water and the dog trots out atop the water, retrieves the stick and walks back to him. The man is flabbergasted. He throws the stick again. And again, the dog trots out atop the water, gets the stick and brings it back.
The man can hardly believe his eyes! Bursting with excitement, he invites his neighbor to come down to the lake the next day, hoping to show off his amazing dog.
Once they arrive, the man throws the stick out into the middle of the lake. Just as before, the dog trots out on top of the water, grabs the stick, and trots back. The neighbor watches calmly and says nothing.
The man throws the stick again. The dog walks on the water, gets it, and returns. Still, the neighbor remains silent.
Unable to contain himself any longer, the man asks, "So... did you notice anything unusual about my dog?"
The neighbor rubs his chin and replies, "Yeah, I noticed. He can't swim, can he?"
https://redd.it/1q0se1d
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