1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."
And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."
The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…
"SUPPLIES!"
https://redd.it/1jd1tt4
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As a divorced man recently back in the dating pool, I've learned that women age like a fine wine...
...and I love nineteen year old wine.
https://redd.it/1jcyi4h
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My wife and I went out for Italian last night, and of course, we over-ordered and left with a doggie bag. We passed a kid about 13 looking in really sorry shape, who asked for our food, which we gladly gave him
He was dirty from head to toe, but looked like his coat and boots were in good enough shape to last in the cold. He had a small ratty blanket.
He looked too young to be a runaway. I asked him, “Are you an orphan?”
He said “Yes”, then kind of waved his hand over his clothes, and said, “What gave me away?”
I paused for a second, feeling terrible about his situation, before responding, “Well, obviously, your parents”
.
Before I get a ton of hate for this joke,
1) I’m a long time contributor and participant in the sub. That means some hits and some misses.
2) Jokes can be about a terrible situation, yet still funny.
3) That little fucker pulled out a knife, stabbed me, and stole my wallet and my wife’s purse. Not because my comment was insensitive, but because I forgot to take extra wedges of lemon for the fried calamari. If I could only roll back time 10 minutes….
https://redd.it/1jcxfwu
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.
The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says, "One moment please, I will get the Pharmacist." The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?" "I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the woman, "This is just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant". The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
https://redd.it/1jcolyw
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Studies have actually proven that people who swear more often tend to be more honest.
So fuck me in the ass, your honor, I did not kill that man!
https://redd.it/1jchpmy
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It was warm today, so my wife went with friends to play golf. She came back home in about 30 minutes, in extreme pain
I said “You look awful - what the hell happened?”
She said, “We just started playing, and then I got stung by a hornet between the first and second holes”
I replied, “Your stance is too wide”.
https://redd.it/1jc5isb
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The husband says casually to his wife, "I heard a rumor that the postman has slept with every last woman on our street except one."
The wife sniffs and says, "I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 6."
https://redd.it/1jc6au8
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The Gynecologist
After 40 years as a gynecologist Jack decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love –
car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John hoped he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.
Most of the students completed their exam in two hours.
John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam and spoke to his teacher after class.
“I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?”
The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. Then I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
https://redd.it/1jbxwaa
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I asked a guy if he could speak ASCII. He said "114 117 100 101"...
Well, that's just rude, isn't it?
https://redd.it/1jb8l0p
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A sale's Rep for Vaseline was interviewing women at a local drug store to ask if they used her product.
Most declined to answer, but a few of the younger girls admitted to using it for anal sex.
She saw an older woman walk in with 3 young children behind her.
She said "Excuse me ma'am, but could you tell me if you've ever used Vaseline during sex"?
The lady replied "Oh yes, my husband and I use Vaseline every time we make love".
The sale's Rep said "Wow, doesn't having that much anal get old"?
The lady replied " Anal sex! Oh, hell no! We smear it on the doorknob to keep these little bastards from busting in"!
https://redd.it/1jbk99o
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Little Johnny's dad is cooking venison on the BBQ. His sister says, "Daddy, that smells amazing, what kind of meat is that?"
Dad, "Here's a bit, try it. Here is a clue, it is something Mummy calls me everyday"
Johnny, "OMG Sally, spit it out, it's an asshole"
https://redd.it/1jb61k1
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My girlfriend calls me Heinsenberg in bed
Something about not knowing if it's in or out
https://redd.it/1jb1qqs
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The President just closed every submarine base.
When asked why, he said, "Those funny little black ships just keep sinking anyways."
https://redd.it/1jao2z0
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TIL that Russians don't like jokes about them
The downvotes show that they are not Putin up with it.
https://redd.it/1jamr1q
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Who does Beyonce’ call when she has a roof issue?
All the shingle ladies
https://redd.it/1jaan2s
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There are 500 bricks on a plane
You drop one outside. How many are left? Applicant: That’s easy, 499 Interviewer: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge? Applicant: Open the fridge.
Put the elephant in.
Close the fridge. Interviewer: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge? Applicant: Open the fridge.
Take the elephant out.
Put the deer in.
Close the fridge. Interviewer: It’s lion’s birthday, all the animals are there except one, why? Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge. Interviewer: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles? Applicant: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion’s birthday. Interviewer: Last question. In the end the old lady still died.
Why? Applicant: Err….I guess she drowned? Interviewer: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now.
https://redd.it/1jck9r7
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The first Jewish president is elected in the United States
He calls his mother in Florida and says "I can't wait to see you at the inauguration."
His mother replies "I don't know flying is such a pain these days."
The president replies "mom you'll be flying on Air Force One."
His mother replies "yeah but then I have to find a cab at the airport."
The president replies "mom you'll be arriving in the presidential limo."
His mother replies "yeah but what kind of hotel rooms are available on such a busy day?"
The president replies "mom you'll be staying in Lincoln's Bedroom."
The mother finally agrees and is sitting in the front row at the inauguration. As her son is being sworn in she turns to the vice president sitting next to her. "you see that man on the stage with his hand on the Bible?"
"Yes," the vp replies.
The mother says "his brother is a doctor."
https://redd.it/1jd21v1
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I was with this girl last night, and things were getting hot. She moaned, "Talk dirty to me!"
So I whispered, "I haven’t changed my bedsheets in three months."
She gasped. "More!"
I growled, "There’s still pizza crust under the bed from last week."
She shuddered. "Don’t stop!"
I leaned in close and whispered, "I use the same towel after every shower… and I don’t remember the last time I washed it."
She came.
To her senses.
And left.
https://redd.it/1jcsmrq
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My girlfriend dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your shit any more....
....you’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again.”
She was about to close the door when I yelled, **“No, no….waaait”**
She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.
That was when I uttered those three magic words, “Gary and I”
https://redd.it/1jck7my
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Everyone knows how fast Bruce Lee was, but no one talks about his brother who's even faster.
Sudden.
https://redd.it/1jcc49m
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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
https://redd.it/1jc9z9z
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A history teacher broke the record for worlds longest orgasm.
He said it was a long time coming, also...
He left a big mark in the history books.
https://redd.it/1jc2ari
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My friend warned me that telling blonde jokes during my trip to Scandinavia could be dangerous, and he was right. I was hospitalized for three days…
…due to severe laryngitis from having to explain them so many times.
https://redd.it/1jbuqio
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An english man and a jamaican look at each other in a public toilet and notice they have the same tattoo on their penis. The tattoo said "W J" :
Jamaican: What does the tattoo mean for you?
English man: When my penis is erect, it says the initials of my name, W. J. What about yours?
Jamaican: When my penis is erect, it says WELCOME TO JAMAICA.
https://redd.it/1jbhhk8
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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
https://redd.it/1jbf7om
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Three women are gush are gushing about their children. The first one says, “My brilliant son graduated first in his class from Stanford University. He’s now a doctor, making $4,50,000 a year.
The second woman Th says, “My daughter graduated first in her class from Harvard. She’s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year.” The last woman—the proudest of them all— says, “My son never went to college, but he makes a million dollars a year working as a sports repairman.” Confused, the other women ask, “What’s a sports repairman?” “He fixes things,” says the third mother. “You know, basketball games, football games, baseball games …”
https://redd.it/1jb2xgu
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I bought Trader Joe's reduced guilt tortilla chips & you know what?
I already feel better about shooting that guy in Reno just to watch him die.
https://redd.it/1jat7yu
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My wife said, “Watcha doing today?” I said, “Nothing.” She said…
“You did that yesterday.” I said, “I wasn’t finished.”
https://redd.it/1jatq1i
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My friend asked me to wait one scrotosecond.
I asked what that was and they said "the length of time that getting kicked in the nuts is pleasurable."
https://redd.it/1jakhid
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Flowers for his girlfriend
On impulse, a young man bought a dozen roses for his girlfriend. When he presented them to her, she was moved to tears, tore off her clothes, and lay on the couch, spreading her limbs. “This,” she exclaimed, “is for the flowers.”
“Oh, come on, silly,” he replied, “isn’t there a vase somewhere in the house?”
https://redd.it/1jaa1wv
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