1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
158 years ago, Alaska cost us $7.2 million.
Yesterday, it cost us $2.7 trillion.
https://redd.it/1lrlevx
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An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.
He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.
They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.
“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”
“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food and bulbs stocked.”
“Ah yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”
“And that is?” the young man asked.
“Just turn off the lantern.”
https://redd.it/1lre0hn
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A farmer has been farting a lot.
He's been to several doctors, but none of them know what's wrong. Desperate, he reaches out to the local priest.
He says, "Father, I don't believe in this religious mumbo jumbo, but I'm out of options. My wife is threatening to leave! What can God do for me?"
The pastor says, "My son, you must give everything to God. In doing so, all shall be well."
So the farmer leaves. Soon, though, he starts coming to church every single day at 6 pm. At first the pastor is pleased. But week by week, his congregation thins.
Within a month, the farmer is the only one left in attendance. Confused, the pastor approaches him and asks, "Well my child, did God help your flatulence issues?"
And the farmer says, "He did father. I used to just fart whenever I needed to. But now, I wait until 6, and give *all I've got* to God!"
https://redd.it/1lr8io4
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The shipwrecked Jew.
\[Note: this joke is about a Jewish guy because I'm Jewish myself, but you can just about stick someone of any religion here and adapt it slightly\].
An observant Jew is washed up on a desert island when the ship he was on sinks.
After many, many years, he is spotted by another ship and is rescued.
As his rescuers come ashore, they notice with astonishment that the shipwrecked guy has built several quite decent-looking buildings out of mud and wood. They ask what they are, and the guy shows them around.
"This is my home", he says, pointing to one house. I managed to put together a rudimentary oven to cook my food, a bed of soft moss and a roof of straw."
Then he points to a larger building. "That is my barn. I managed to domesticate several animals of the island, who live there and provide me with sustenance.
Then he points to an even larger, very ornate building, "That is my synagogue, where I prayed for years to the Holy One, Blessed Be He, to have me rescued. And as you can see, my prayers were crowned with success, since here you are."
The head of the rescue crew points to one last rather small, shabby-looking building, and asks "what is that building?"
"Oh that," says the Jew. "That's the other synagogue. I wouldn't be caught dead praying there."
https://redd.it/1lqxfhf
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Pet Fish!
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving Galveston beach when a game warden stopped him.
The warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!"
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the beach, let them swim around for about a half-hour, and when I whistle, they jump back into my buckets. We do this every night."
"That’s the biggest load of hooey I’ve ever heard," said the warden.
"No, really," the man said. "Here, I’ll show you."
And he releases the fish into the ocean.
They wait. Minutes go by.
The warden says, "Well?"
The man replies, "Well what?"
"When are you going to call them back?"
The man says, "Call who back?"
The warden snaps, "The fish!"
And the man shrugs and says, "What fish?"
https://redd.it/1lqs0bx
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A cop pulls over a vehicle on the freeway. There are three little old ladies in the car.
“Why were you driving only 20 miles per hour?” he asks the driver.
“I was just going the posted speed limit!” She points to a sign up ahead.
The officer corrects her. “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway—Route 20!”
“We tried to tell you, Sheila!” says one of the passengers.
The cop takes another look at the old women and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle, white-knuckled.
“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.
“We just came off of Interstate 120.”
https://redd.it/1lq1568
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My son was just born, and another dad at the nursery, congratulated me, and said his daughter was born yesterday said maybe they’ll marry each other someday.
Sure, only if my son is into marrying someone twice his age…yeah right!
https://redd.it/1lqdmsb
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Man goes to Tesla showroom to buy a car
After the detailed introduction of the salesman and a test drive, he’s quite interested in a Model Y, but still undecided. Seeing this, the salesman tries further to persuade him: “Sir. We also offer 4 years warranty for your car. It would be excellent because you will be totally free from worries”.
Guy: “But what’s the guarantee that you’ll cover it for 4 years?”
Salesman: “We would write it in the contract sir. Don’t worry”.
Guy: “What if in the 4 years your showroom is closed? Who’s gonna help me?”
Salesman: “Sir. The warranty is not offered by our showroom, but Tesla company. If this showroom is closed, you can contact the customer service of Tesla, and they will help you out”.
Guy: “Ok but what if Tesla is bankrupted by then”.
Salesman: “Sir. You know our company is owned by the literally richest man on earth. So it’s unlikely to happen. But even if it does, his tremendous wealth will somehow get you covered”.
Guy: “But what if he’s also bankrupted or went to jail by then?”
The salesman drags the guy to the corner of the room and whispers to his ear “Bro if we are lucky enough to see that happen, you’ll still care about your damn car?”
https://redd.it/1lq7von
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Politician dies and gets to chose between Heaven and Hell (it's not that one)
Politician dies and is given the choice between going to Heaven or Hell, but first he is given a tour of both places.
The tour of Heaven goes as expected, it's all vibrant, sunny, peaceful with charming harp music playing. There are people dressed in white robes walking around, everyone appears happy and peacefully. But honestly seems a little boring.
Then the politician gets a tour of Hell and it's not at all what he expected.
In hell he is shown all of his favorite things: beautiful golf courses, free everything, infinite booze, all his old friends, parting, drugs, prostitutes. The politician can't believe it, it's like all of his epic night outs combined and stretched out to infinity.
When it's time to make his choice, rather surprisingly the politician chooses Heaven.
The devil, completely shocked by this choice asks him "Well why did you chose Heaven after I showed you how incredibly Hell would be for you"
The politician then replies "I know false promises in a campaign when I see them"
https://redd.it/1lpzefc
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The cost of doing business.
One warm day, a stockbroker was on his way to a meeting when he saw a young girl selling lemonade by the side of the road. He pulled over and got out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit.
"Hey mister, you want some lemonade?” she called to him.
He was about to walk past her when he stopped and did a double take at the sign that said “Lemonade $50”.
“Your sign is wrong miss. I think you mean fifty cents,” he informed her.
The little girl shook her head, “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!”
The stockbroker paused for a minute, because, in his line of work, he appreciated a good hustle but he truly believed this young entrepreneur was going about it the wrong way.
“Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?”
The girl beamed and said, “Fifty bucks mister!”
The stockbroker sighed and shook his head.
“Okay I’ll pass. You can’t make a profit when no one is willing to pay your asking price. Now do you have anything else for sale?”
“Homemade brownies, 50 cents!” she replied.
The stockbroker winced in frustration.
“I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.”
He opened his wallet and took out a dollar.
“I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about mark-up.”
The little girl shook her head and smiled, “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!”
“You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.”
“OK,” she said, taking the dollar and putting two brownies on a plate. Just to make the point, the stockbroker decided to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he began coughing and gagging uncontrollably.
“Oh my God… what did you put in these?”
Grinning happily she told him, “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!”
“This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!” said the stockbroker in disgust.
The girl produced a jar full of $50 bills, cocked her head to the side and said through a beaming grin, “You want some lemonade?”
https://redd.it/1lpp1xh
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My Old Calculator
I had an old calculator. My dad’s dad got through high school with it, my father used it in college, I used it as a freshman in college. The thing was ancient; it took 2 giant batteries in the back and everything. Looked killer, though, and felt sturdy and real. I loved that thing.
One day in math class I’m taking a test, and the thing starts to shutter. I replace the batteries, but it doesn’t help. I continue to take the test, watching as my calculator slowly fades. I realize it’s the only calculator I have on hand, so I start hurrying before it finally gives out. I’m rushing through each question all while this heirloom, this piece of familial history slowly gives out before my eyes. Finally, I get to the last question:
“*find the length of the opposite side of the given angle within the right triangle*”
One by one, I jam in all the figures I need to, trying to squeeze one last equation into my calculator’s life. Finally, with its last bit of life, it pushes out the answer I need. I scribble it down, and the calculator shuts down for good. Then, it all hit me:
It died for my sins.
https://redd.it/1lpfysl
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If anal sex were an Olympic sport, I would definitely win the silver medal.
I always end up coming in number 2.
https://redd.it/1lpezoc
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I told my wife that if sex was an Olympic sport I'd win a Gold medal..
In the singles division..
https://redd.it/1lp2630
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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to the bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.
What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is this bar?”
https://redd.it/1lowysk
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Marriage increases a man's chances of becoming obese threefold, a new study finds.
That's because having sex burns a lot of calories.
https://redd.it/1lopn3r
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I bought my new wife a full set of cookery subscriptions for her birthday to help her learn to cook properly.
A month later she bought me a porn movie for my birthday.
https://redd.it/1lrf2r9
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Yo mama is so ugly
her dildo lost its erection
https://redd.it/1lqtl0c
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A gnome, a leprechaun, and a dwarf walk into a bar...
The bartender grinned as they each climbed up on the bar and formed a line. "What is this?" He asked. "Some kind of joke?"
The gnome jumped, slugged him on the chin, then moved to the back of the line.
"What the hell?" He complained.
Before he could back away, the leprechaun took him by the collar. "We be tired of yer wise crackin 'bout our height." The leprechaun slugged him, then moved to the back of the line.
The dwarf stepped up, rolling up his sleeves as the bartender backed into the liquor cabinets.
A concerned customer rushed to intervene. "Hey! Come on now, little guys. Is that really necessary? Shouldn't, you know? Pick on someone your own size?"
The dwarf turned to him, eyes narrowed. "Easy, laddie. Lest you want our our next visit to find your arse at the head of this here punch line."
https://redd.it/1lqywa2
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What did the male deer say after leaving the gay bar?
I can’t believe I blew 20 bucks in there.
https://redd.it/1lqsqpq
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My wife and I used to have a fantastic sex life.
Then we met.
https://redd.it/1lqphba
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"I invited a bunch of clowns with IBS to the party."
"Why?" My friend asked
"For the shits and giggles"
https://redd.it/1lqbog9
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I visited a temple the other day, and the head monk told me "These men have all taken a supreme vow of celibacy"
"Like their fathers, and their fathers before them"
https://redd.it/1lq6mww
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A Jewish man in 1930 sees his friend reading a well-known Nazi newspaper.
Incredulous, he asks "What are you doing reading that garbage??"
"Well," his friend replied. "Look at our city's Jewish newspaper. One article speaks about a pogrom, the next about rising antisemitism, the next about a vandalized synagogue, and it goes on and on. It's depressing!"
He continues. "What does it say in the Nazi newspapers? It talks about how the Jews are wealthy, how the Jews control all the banks and the press, how the Jews are clever and powerful- it's a real ego boost!"
https://redd.it/1lq2w8v
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I had to apologise to the old lady across the street for accidentally flashing my willy at her….
She said don’t worry, it’s no biggie.
https://redd.it/1lptzgw
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The Family Secret
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is. Didn't have time to get you both a present."
"Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other deeply, but we never found the time to actually get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad... "and cheap ones too!"
https://redd.it/1lpmbfa
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I keep having to remind people that the plural of "octopus" is not "octopi".
Boy, people can be such ignorami.
https://redd.it/1lp6yjk
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My grandad told me he’s never committed six of the seven deadly sins.
He’s just too lazy to tell us which ones."
https://redd.it/1lp99rl
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I often tell my wife she looks like Charlize Theron in her Oscar winning performance.
Thank god she still hasn’t look that one up.
https://redd.it/1losw1n
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Tonto
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are usually the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Kowalski, but my friends call me Bubba".
https://redd.it/1lor46j
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I told my wife that if sex was an Olympic sport I’d win a gold medal ..
She told me she’d prefer it if I won silver.
Apparently she’d prefer it if I came second for a change ….
https://redd.it/1lop3d2
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